We have reached the 3rd of May, and that means that it is time for me to present my monthly feature “3rd”. Since my monthly feature overrides any other features I usually do, this means that I won’t be taking part in the Wordzzle challenge this Saturday. I will return to the action on that one next Saturday… in the meantime – you can find those entertaining little stories by going over to Views from Raven’s Nest and following the links there.
Another story can of course be found right here, as well – and that would be the Monthly Commenter Story. I am sure Knight of Knight’s Knacht-Up Ramblings is particularly interested in reading up on this one, as she remembered the rules and decided to mess with me a little. She carefully chose a sentence for me to use in the story. And, actually, I thank her for that, because that inspired the outcome of this story which has now reached the third and final installment.
That means, that next month I’ll be able to come up with an entirely new storyline. I was really determined to finish off The Mystery Man Murder story – and I’m actually a bit surprised that I was able to bring it to a close.
I gotta say, though. This was the strangest collection of sentences I’ve had to work with so far. I sat for over an hour just reading them over and over again, trying to piece even two of them together in any way…
No need to try Knight’s stunt for next month though… I will change the rules of which sentence to use in the story by then – so you’ll not really know where I’ll be taking it from.
ONE: COMMENTER OF THE MONTH
Now, I said last month that I was going to opt for quality instead of quantity for this award. Not gonna happen – not this month. I messed up, and didn’t keep track of the quality comments, so I’m keeping everything just as it has been. That makes Farmer*s Wife the winner for the second straight month with a good 42 comments (which is less than HALF of what she produced last month). Runner up is Cinder-Single (aka Single In The City) with 37 comments. That is a repeat of the top two, but there’s a new (returning) 3rd place finisher in Jill, who commented 31 times.
Next month, however – I will be determining the top three commenters by use of quality, rather than quantity.
Below, is a list of ALL commenters during the month of April 2008.
WINNER: Farmer*s Wife (42)
2nd Place: Cinder-Single (37)
3rd Place: Jill (31)
4th Place: Knight (26)
5th Place: Dianne (23)
6th Place: Lakota (22)
7th Place: Jay, Jo (20)
8th Place: Dana, Leighann, Sparkling Red (19)
9th Place: Tequila Mockingbird (18)
10th Place: Emmeline (17)
11th Place: Karen (16)
12th Place: Aunt Jackie (14)
13th Place: TT, Unsigned (13)
14th Place: Jeff B (12)
15th Place: ~Angela~ , Fiwa, Raven, Tink (11)
16th Place: Jen, Kcinnova (9)
17th Place: Fortune Cookies, Mike, Newt (8)
18th Place: Anndi (7)
19th Place: Butterfly Girl, Guilty Secret (6)
Not involved in the story’s resolution:
20th Place: Akelamalu, Casdok, Ginormous Boobs, Richard, Spiky Zora Jones (5)
21st Place: Reb (4)
22nd Place: Doc, Freakazojd, G-Man, Jahooni, Melissa, Pookie Sixx, Real Live Lesbian (3)
23rd Place: Cardiogirl, Chatty, HoosierGirl5, Kristen Bjorg, Lightning Bug's Butt, Liv, Odd Facts, The Teach, Tookie Tail (2)
24th Place: Alice, Betty, Claire, Gene Bach, Joel, Krishna, Loving Annie, Mary P. Jones, Maryt, The OE (1)
TWO: KEYWORDS OF THE MONTH
Time to take a look at the search terms that were used on Google and other search engines that brought people to my blog.
Top Searches: "not so hot without makeup” – A lot of people seems to want confirmation that the hot ones really aren’t as hot as they appear on the pictures. Is April low self-esteem month?
“"7 deadly sins" party” – Sounds like a lot of fun… especially the Lust part!
“"horse condom"” – Yeah, dude – keep on dreaming. It’s not THAT big!
"swedish curse" "skitstövel"” – Farmer*s Wife? Are you behind this one?
“15 year old traci lords” – She didn’t start ‘til she was 16… pervert! ;)
“80s nun porn” – Why do people keep ending up on this site looking for nun porn?
“balls for girls” – Well, I for one hope that never becomes fashionable.
“cartoon of mad man” – Hey! That’s a good idea!
“does a rainbow appearing during a wedding ceremony represent anything?" – It could represent that it’s been raining?
“eating potato chips” – What? You don’t know how to do it?
“gym honeys” – Don’t you just love’em?
“hollywood cellulites” – Yeah, those are the worst kind!
“how to insert a bottle into my anus” – That’s just nasty!
“how to insert bottles into my anus” – Oh, please don’t tell me you figured it out, and now you want more??? Coming back with the same search term in plural… Yikes!
“ireland regrets not seeing” – I had no idea Ireland could see…
“japanese: princess sauna” – Now… for some reason I’m curious.
“lindsay lohans acting skills” – Excuse me… who cares about her acting skills? I just want her boobies!
“look after a zombie baby” – I don’t thing you should look after… it should be more like “look out for”
“restricted internet” – Now, I just can’t help but wonder if that was someone who was fooled by my April Fool’s Joke, and went searching for more information. I can just picture this person going… “Damn! How come no one but the Madman knows about this crazy shit?”
“sauna gi joe's” – Was that in there last month? Anyway… Sauna GI Joes sounds cool!
“sexy pictureof hollywood acters” – Were you just so horny you couldn’t spell?
“victoria's secret models” – That’s one search you should do at least once every day!
“xrays of things shoved up anus” – Ok. So the bottles aren’t enough any longer… you want more stuff up there?
Personal Favorite of the Month:
“plot film: take over the plane mad man plays dolls with little girl” – Now, here’s an interesting log line for a script. Just don’t go weird on me with the little girl!
THREE: COMMENTER STORY OF THE MONTH
While I will continue to use total number of comments as the way to earn a part in the story (which for now is likely to stay at a minimum of 6 comments), the rules on who gets more lines in the story will change for next month. I will from now on award the Commenter of the Month award to the BEST comment of the month. Whether that is because it makes me laugh, think, cry – or whatever. I will try to be fair in my judging. And, I will state the reason’s behind my choices of the top three comments of the month.
For this month… the rules remain as they were.
Monthly Commenter Story
The monthly commenter story is a fictional story that I will write and post on the 3rd of each month. This story is composed of all the people who have left at least three comments on my blog over the past month. Credit goes to RockDog for inspiring this idea.
RULES (may change slightly each month):
Every person who have commented on my blog at least 6 times during the past month will be included in a fictional story, written by yours truly - R.E.H.
I will go to these people's blogs and copy a single sentence from their final post of the month. It will always be the 9th sentence of that post. If the post has fewer than 9 sentences, I will use sentence number 6, if fewer than that - sentence number 3. If the post were to have less than three sentences – I will take the sentence from the second last post of the month.
The Commenter of the Month will have sentences from the last 3 posts included in my story.
Runner-Up and Third Placed commenters will have sentences from their last 2 posts of the month included.
Once I've collected all your sentences, these will be incorporated into a fictional story.
Sentences MUST be used as dialogue "out of the mouth" of that blogger, and I am not allowed to add other dialogue to that character in the story.
Every sentence MUST be used in the story. I can not skip using one, just because I can't find a good use for it.
Sentences MUST be used completely unedited, except if sentence breaking parenthesis is used, in which case I reserve the right to remove the parenthesis.
Names of the blogger will be linked to their blogs (only where dialogue follows).
If a blogger does not wish to feature in these stories from now on, they must tell me so in a comment, and I will exclude them from my story.
The events taking place in this story has no resemblance to reality in any form. The actions that fellow bloggers undertake in this story is in no way a reflection of their true selves. The only "real" deal here is that what the blogger says in this story, is what they have written on their blog... but it may be put way out of context of its original meaning.
Put shortly... this is for fun! I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings, or making them out to be something they are not!
********** THE STORY **********
After the elite bloggers of Blogville had been summoned to the warehouse down on Pier 505, they had all been shocked to find the Mystery Man face down, dead on the floor. Detective Matthews had quickly arrived at the scene and was keeping us there until the murder would be solved.
Things had gotten even more frightening once we all realized that what had killed the Mystery Man was a vampire, and Detective Matthews thought it would be a good idea to try out some kind of mass hypnotism experiment in hopes it would tap into parts of our brains that we couldn’t normally reach. Just to see if we knew something about this Mystery Man and our vampire.
The experiment had been successful, and our memories took us back to that day when we went fishing by the river, to celebrate the birthday of a little boy by the name of Samby.
The fishing trip had started out pleasantly enough. Farmer*s Wife, Fortune Cookies and Anndi were setting up the picnic area. While preparing snacks for lunch, Fortune Cookies was telling them of the misfortunes of her friend Snappy.
Fortune Cookies: “Eventually, Snappy's symptoms escalated to a debilitating level in which she was unable to maintain any form of gainful employment, and now, she is just one of so many Americans, living off of Social Security/Disability Income, which, if you don't already know, is actually less than minimum wage.”
Farmer*s Wife: “Personal employment.”
Anndi appears to not totally agree with the idea of self-employment.
Anndi: “My ten year old book-monster wonders if this is wise...”
Dave the Vampire, who was aimlessly wandering about trying to get in on the different conversations came by at that point.
Dave the Vampire: “Starting your own business is a good idea. You get to hire people you want working for you.”
Farmer*s Wife: “And, I can count on them to be there and to understand and to accept "me."”
Meanwhile, some of the others were going through Samby the birthday boy’s presents, which had been opened previously. Of course, the fishing rod had been one of them and the boy was now standing on a rock by the river trying to hook a squirming worm onto it with a big smile on his face. No one suspected anything as Dave the Vampire walked up to him to help with the worm.
Kcinnova: “ONE happy birthday boy (friend of Snake Master)”
Dianne was so pleased that her son had decided to give his favorite mug to Samby for his birthday, as Samby had always wanted that cup, and she held it out for the others to see.
Dianne: “Here are front and back views of my son’s “Hands Off My Mug” mug.”
At the same time I was just learning that apparently NetFlix had started selling shoes, as Karen told us of a new pair she had ordered from there.
Karen: “I got an email from Netflix that they have send it from Augusta, Maine because that is the closest copy to my house, in New Jersey.”
Sparkling Red who was wearing a new pair of shoes herself, took the opportunity to show them off. The shoes were much prettier than the ones she had bought the other day, and she had followed peoples advice of taking them back to the store and get a new pair.
Sparkling Red: “He took them back and gave me this spiffy pair:”
She pulls the legs of her pants up to show off the shoes, and as she does her tattoo becomes visible.
R.E.H.: “Wow… that’s a nice tattoo. I’ve always wanted to get one of those.”
This gets Emmeline’s attention, as she shows off one of her own.
Emmeline: “I was just out having dinner with my best friend from high school, The Flight Attendant, on my birthday and decided I would like to get a tattoo.”
Jill: “Kind of addictive for me!”
Apparently Jill had a lot of tattoos. One of which caught my attention, as I couldn’t figure out what it was.
R.E.H.: “What is that supposed to be?”
Dana leans in to have a good look at it.
Dana: “Like Truck Tits?”
R.E.H.: “Nah, it looks like a couple of dudes… or something.”
Mike: “Perhaps its the hormones in beef, or maybe these guys are hermaphrodites.”
We all started laughing at that, and Jill pulled the sleeve of her arm back down to hide it – being the only one who didn’t find the conversation the least amusing.
R.E.H.: “Oh, speaking of beef… I went to that new restaurant downtown the other day. I don’t know what they do – but they certainly must have the best beef in town.”
Tequila Mockingbird: “Well it IS the kitchen!”
R.E.H.: “They do have some good chefs over there. But, that’s not all that is good about that place. It’s just something about the whole atmosphere.”
Some of the others hadn’t been there to experience the place, and so Fiwa offered the basic explanation of what made the restaurant so special.
Fiwa: “Basically you sit down and the waitresses start coming by with trolley carts full of those little bamboo baskets.”
The horrors of that day was first noticed by Cinder-Single and Jo, as they were sitting by the riverbank, listening to the water trickling over some rocks.
Jo: “It's such a relaxing, zen-like tinkling sound.”
She immediately felt shivers down her spine, as she heard the voice of Cinder-Single speak up. She was trembling as she did.
Cinder-Single: “Samby is gone...”
We all fell silent at that. Having enthusiastically re-told the story of that day to Detective Matthews, but as we started getting into the terror we had experienced that day, it was getting harder and harder to talk about it.
Detective Matthews: “Good. Now were getting somewhere. You must go on. You must remember what happened that day. TT – why don’t you continue the story?”
TT: “I'm not going to go into it all again.”
She is apparently too shaken by the memories to vocalize them out loud. Detective Matthews turns his attention to Cinder-Single, and motions her to continue telling of the events of that fateful day. She shakes her head, and explains that she’s worried the vampires will know she had “ratted” them out. She was afraid to go home alone if she had spoken.
Cinder-Single: “I guess they know that my BFF "P" is staying at his own place now!!”
R.E.H.: “We went after him. I remember we started chasing after Dave the Vampire. We thought he’d taken Samby to the abandoned factory across the river. The Pillsbury factory.”
Detective Matthews: “Go on… did you find them?”
I started feeling as if there was something I was yet to remember about that day. The feeling was overwhelming, and I found myself unable to speak any more. Guilty Secret took it upon her to continue telling of the events that followed.
Guilty Secret: “I took my engagement ring off and took Baddie's hand.”
Detective Matthews: “Why did you take your ring off?”
She shrugs… apparently not knowing why she had done it, or why she had felt the need to say that she did. Instead she continued telling of how we all decided to chase after Dave the Vampire, and hope to rescue the boy.
After Cinder-Single had noticed that the boy was missing and we all gathered around where he was last seen. The fishing rod lay on the ground, and there was blood next to it. That’s when Anndi had remembered seeing Dave the Vampire helping Samby with the worm.
We all quickly understood that Dave must be responsible for the boy’s disappearance.
R.E.H.: “We must save him! Dave is a vampire!”
The others all looked at me with surprise. How did I know that? Why had I allowed Dave to come along if I’d known he was a blood-thirsty creature of the night? But, there was no time to ask these questions now. We all knew we needed to find out where he had taken the boy.
Newt: “The Pillsbury factory is right across the river.”
R.E.H.: “That’s where he must’ve taken the boy.”
There was a section further up the river where it was shallow enough for us to wade across, and we all started running upstream. As we reached the point where we meant to run to the other side, Butterfly Girl stopped dead in her tracks.
Butterfly Girl: “Feets in the water…..”
Leighann almost tried to push Butterfly Girl into the water, in a hurry to get to the other side and hunt the vampire down. But, Butterfly Girl refused to move out of her way – absolutely terrified of getting her feet wet.
Leighann: “If you don't want to move, stockpile sandbags and put the fucking things up early, you know it's coming why wait until it's lapping at your feet and then cry foul?”
After a minor altercation we all made it across the river and ran to the Pillsbury Factory. Jeff B stopped some distance from the large deserted building.
Jeff B: “That's it?”
That was the place indeed. And, after getting the confirmation of that, he lead the way inside.
The horror that awaited us there was beyond description. The blood, the gore… the entire factory, which had been abandoned for the past eight years, was like a vampire castle. Dead bodies hung from the ceiling, drained of their blood. The smell was unbearable.
I caught sight of a shadowy figure escaping out the back of the factory, and it ran into the woods.
R.E.H.: “There! He’s running into the woods!”
Determined to stop the evil bloodsucker, we all chased after him into the woods. We spread out to have a better chance of finding him. Jen even found an old bicycle, and hopped on to that thing hoping it would give her an advantage in speed.
After having chased him through the woods for over an hour, we had all returned outside the Pillsbury Factory. Dave the Vampire was still out there – somewhere. Jill and Lakota told of how they had almost caught him. They had found him hiding behind some fallen trees – but he had been much too strong for them to take him down.
Jill: “He is really good, even if we are two, we actually cannot get him.”
Lakota: “Instead I was out of breath and hobbling through the woods like a ninty year old woman.”
I look over to Jen, who looked absolutely exhausted after having ridden the bicycle like crazy through the woods.
R.E.H.: “What about you? You had a bicycle… surely you should have been able to catch up to him.”
Jen: “But you need to comprehend (1) I hadn't ridden my bicycle in about 6 months for that long of a distance and (2) I was, unknowingly, in the wrong gear the entire time.”
We knew we had to give up at that point. There was no chance of finding Dave the Vampire. He was long gone.
Detective Matthews had listened closely to the story, and he had continuously been scribbling in that notebook of his. Everyone had fallen silent as we had finished telling the story of the fishing trip. Detective Matthews noticed Tink was sitting by the laptop, seemingly engrossed in something on the screen. He walked over to her, and noticed that while the rest of us were busy telling the horrifying story of Dave the Vampire and Samby, she had found that GTA was installed on the laptop and was playing the game. Probably because she wanted to get away from the horrible memories.
Detective Matthews closed down the top of the laptop, and Tink looks up at him angrily.
Detective Matthews: “This is not the time to be playing games!”
Tink: “I had serious issues when it came to driving in the game though.”
Detective Matthews: “Farmer*s Wife. Why don’t you shut off the power to the laptop?”
She looks around, trying to locate the power switch.
Detective Matthews: “It’s that green blinking arrow.”
Farmer*s Wife: “One blinking arrow (I fear this thing).”
She was badly shaken after remembering the events of that day, but steeled herself against it and pushed the button. Detective Matthews resumed looking over his notes. Then he looks up with a cryptic smile on his face.
Detective Matthews: “I know who the Mystery Man is.”
The elite bloggers of Blogville looked at Detective Matthews with interest. They all wanted to know who the Mystery Man was.
Detective Matthews: “I’m sure you do to. Look at him again – now that you remember.”
Everyone was shocked as they did what he said. Immediately everyone recognized the Mystery Man as Dave the Vampire. But, how could that be? If Dave the Vampire was the dead body on the floor… who had killed him?
Detective Matthews: “That’s right. Dave is not the only vampire in town. And, I also know who the other vampire is. And, he’s sitting right here among us. And, he is the one to blame for everything that has happened.”
Everyone looked at Detective Matthews in fascination and anticipation. There was an aura of fear spread among them.
Jay: “Who are you going to blame?”
Detective Matthews: “It’s quite obvious if you think about it. Who had the key to this warehouse? Who first introduced Dave the Vampire to you all? And… who was it that knew Dave had taken Samby to the abandoned factory across the river?”
Detective Matthews: “That’s right – R.E.H. is the other vampire!”
As soon as Detective Matthews said it, four of the other C.S.I.’s tackled me off the chair, and pinned me to the floor. They put handcuffs on me and started to drag me out of the room. Knight was watching in disbelief, shaking her head, mumbling to herself that it couldn’t be true.
Detective Matthews: “Why do you find that so unbelievable?”
Knight: “It's a well known fact that Madman R.E.H. is a modern day Apollo and he always has all the ladies swooning.”
Detective Matthews: “It is also a well known fact that vampires are often charming.”
I fought against the C.S.I.’s as they tried to take me outside.
R.E.H.: “I will return! Don’t think I won’t return… and I will have your blood!”
I was dragged outside violently, and thrown in the back seat of the cruiser parked outside. Immediately I started planning my revenge, and tuned in my sensitive ears to eavesdrop on the conversation that followed inside the warehouse. I was shocked to hear that they all seamed to just want to go on with everyday life.
Detective Matthews: “Thank you all. You were instrumental in helping me solve this crime.”
The elite bloggers of Blogville were clapping their hands, pleased to have been part of solving the Mystery Man murder.
Raven: “Anyway, he did all the work, but I'm still feeling tired and disoriented and I can't make up my mind what to do for Wordless Wednesday, which is clearly also becoming quite wordy.”
Detective Matthews: “So, you’re all just going to go back to every day life and your blogs? After all this?”
~Angela~: “I want it to be like any other day.”
Everyone agreed. Aunt Jackie was already thinking of new ways to entertain her readers.
Aunt Jackie: “I could include sound clips of things, or I could creatively interpret voices in my writings, OR--now get this, ORRR I could actually put in podcasts of my voice reading out my content.”
That was the last thing I could hear, as the police cruiser took me farther away from Warehouse 505. I was infuriated that they seemed to forget about me so quickly. But, I am planning my revenge. I had already gotten my revenge on Dave the Vampire for being so careless, and exposing our existence.
There is no barred cell that can hold a vampire like me for very long…