Funday Sunday: "Full Metal Jacket"

Well... I decided on a slightly different Funday Sunday clip today. While this is not really laugh-out-loud stuff, it keeps me watching with a grin on my face from start to finish.

Stanely Kubrik's Full Metal Jacket is one of the best films ever made in my opinion, and half of that comes from the intro scene alone. This is simply outstanding stuff. If you haven't seen the movie, it is about time you go out and find yourself a DVD - run home with it held firmly in your hand, and immediately pop it into the DVD player upon your return home. I keep finding this masterpiece on discount everywhere so you don't have to spend a lot of money to get it (though, I find it a disgrace they offer this one cheap).

Well... I'm keeping it short today. I've posted a couple of long ones the last two days, so I guess you're all looking for a break from this Rambling Madman.

If all goes to plan - tomorrow will mark the debut of "Rubicon Heart".

When The Crowds Are Gone

Something funny happened today... I thought I'd share it with you. Nothing revolutionary, but something that made me, my cousin and his woman laugh for a long, long time. I sure hope their two daughter's (13 and 11) didn't fully understand what was so funny.

She - my cousin's girlfriend of 15 years - said to me.

"Yes, R.E.H.! Do it! Often, and hard!"

I was standing right behind my cousin Andy. He didn't see me, and I was out for revenge. See - my cousin has this compulsive desire to tickle people all the time, so I had put my hand out right by his ribcage along his side. I was ready to put on the pressure to make him jump high and squeal like a pig.

She being the victim of his abrupt tickling was pleased to witness the suffering I was ready to inflict on him - and this is what she referred to... that I tickle him often and hard so it really gets him good. Not that I do her - often and hard.

My cousin turned around and was like "What? What did you just say", and then she too realized what she'd just said to me.

Anyway - it was hilarious, and I guess you had to be there. I think my stomach is still cramped up from that fit of laughter.

Well... now that that is out of the way - let's move on to the more serious tone I'd thought I'd share in my post today.

I love music. I love lyrics in music, but no other song in history has hit home like the one I present to you today. I want to share this one with you because the lyrics are so much me it is almost scary.

As you may or may not know, I had dreams when I was younger. I was going to be a star - writing, directing and starring in my own movies. Many thought I had a career going there too - many would compliment and support my talents. As the "Rubicon Heart" story will unfold you will see not only the demise of my heart, but of my desire to be all that (maybe) I could be.

The lyrics of this song "When The Crowds Are Gone" by Savatage, depict this very very well. The section (bridge) that begins "I never wanted to know, never wanted to see..." is something I could've written myself - right out of my heart.

Savatage is possibly the best band that ever existed... from my point of view. This song is just one of many they have done that hit very close to home with me. Maybe I am similar in nature to Jon Oliva (front man of Savatage), which is why I feel so close to their music and the lyrics in particular.

If you remember the "Oh, Holy Night" I posted on Christmas with Michael Crawford singing - that was performed with Trans-Siberian Orchestra - which many of you might be familiar with, especially in Christmas times. TSO is originally a side-project to the band Savatage and was started by Jon Oliva and Paul O'Neill... the inspiration was a song by Savatage called "Sarajevo: Christmas Eve" (which was also put on TSO's first album).

Well, read the lyrics - listen to the song. And, you'll learn something more about this crazy blogger who goes by the name of R.E.H.

*****

SAVATAGE - "WHEN THE CROWDS ARE GONE"

I don't know where the years have gone
Memories can only last so long
Like faded photographs, forgotten songs
And the things I never knew
When the skin is thin, the heart shows through
Please believe me what I tell you is true

Where's the lights, turn 'em on again
One more night to believe and then
Another note for my requiem
A memory to carry on
The story's over when the crowds have gone

All my friends have been crucified
Made life a long suicide true
Guess we never figured out the rules
But I'm still alive, my fingers feel
Gonna play on till the final reel's through
And read the credits from a different view

Where's the lights, turn 'em on again
One more night to believe and then
Another note for my requiem
A memory to carry on
The story's over when the crowds have gone
When the crowds are gone

When the crowds are gone
And I'm all alone
Playing the saddest song
Now that the lights are gone
Turn them on again
One more time for me my friend
Turn 'em on again

I never wanted to know
Never wanted to see
I wasted my time
Till time wasted me
Never wanted to go
Always wanted to stay
'Cause the persons I am
Are the parts that I play
So I plot and I plan
Hope and I scheme
To the lure of a night
Filled with unfinished dreams
I'm holding on tight
To a world gone astray
As they charge me for years
I can no longer pay

Turn 'em on again (repeat)

I never wanted to know
Never wanted to see
I wasted my time
Till time wasted me
I Never wanted to go
Always wanted to stay
'Cause the persons I am
Are the parts that I play
The parts I play

And the light
Turn then off my friend
And the ghosts
Well just let them in
Cause in the dark
It's easier to see

Funday Sunday: "Merry Christmas"

What else could I possibly post for Funday Sunday this week, but a fun little Christmas cartoon.

Well, lots a work still to do tonight. But, I've just served myself a Christmas ham sandwich, and some eggnog... taking a bit of a rest for a second. Been working today as well, but finally I am rid of the crazy Christmas shoppers, and looking forward to a nice couple of days off from work. During this time I will try to enjoy the holidays the way they are supposed to be enjoyed... by eating plenty of food!

I've got a lot to do, so I'll just leave you with this for today.

Merry Christmas!

Funday Sunday: "Prank Calls"

If you haven't heard of this guy, you should really check him out. Tom Mabe has found the solution on how to deal with those pesky telemarketers. This particular call is quite possibly the funniest prank call I've ever heard.

I used to love doing prank calls myself. Guess with age some sort of responsibility did find it's way into my consciousness, and I haven't done it in a while - that's why I'm no Tom Mabe myself.

One time, at 3AM, me and a bunch of other guys from school called up our teacher, waking her up (of course), asking her how to make waffles - that was fun. She became very upset, and swore to find out who we were... she never did, thank god ;)

We also called the parents of some kids in school, telling them we were the police and had their son's in custody for robbing a convenience store. Another one was in custody for disorderly conduct and we all had a good laugh. Hardly very sensitive of us... but a lot of fun indeed.

I will try to recite (a shortened version) the one call that I still remember the best:

"Uhm... Hello?", it's a very tired voice on the other end of the line.

"Is this the Johnson residence?"

"Yes..."

"Ok, ma'am. I'm very sorry to be waking you up at such a late hour, but I'm calling about your son."

"My son? Is he in some sort of trouble?"

"Unfortunately, yes. He is in custody for unruly and disorderly conduct. We picked him up downtown after reports of him running around naked and screaming. I'm afraid he's had a lot to drink."

"Oh, my God... When did this happen?"

"Hell, I don't know Ma'am... I was pretty drunk myself."

Then everybody started laughing, and we hung up the phone.

So, tell me about your own favorite prank calls. What evil deeds have you done that you wish to share with us?

By the way... are prank calls really a thing of the past? With caller ID and all, we really can't make those calls, because it is too easy for the victims to find out who we are. The good old random number picked out of the phone book just doesn't work any more.

Damn the caller ID!!!

Funday Sunday: "Scare Tactics"

I love to scare people. I wish I had the opportunity to do it more often, because nothing beats the look of an absolutely terrified face... when you know there's really nothing to actually be afraid of.

On Halloween, I told you about my most successful attempt at scaring someone - when me and some friends invited my neighbor over for a seance. That experience, and my childish love for the horror genre in general would make me a good choice to produce a series like Scare Tactics. (Take the hint, Sci-Fi Channel).

There is this one clip I remember, where a girl in a car meets this hitchhiker. He keeps popping up at regular intervals ahead of them, and the last time when they stop (if I remember correctly due to being out of gas) - when the hitchhiker opens the door she goes absolutely nuts, throwing herself up against the door on the other side, on top of two other people in the car. I remember she was screaming her head off, tears streaming down her face. When they told her she was on Scare Tactics, she could not understand a word they were saying - her eyes were the size of baseballs, I tell ya!

I felt sorry for that girl, because she was absolutely certain she was about to die...

Couldn't find that clip on YouTube - but this girl is almost as scared... and that'll have to be funny enough ;)

Funday Sunday: "Anger At Work"

Yeah...

Couldn't come up with anything better for "Funday Sunday" today. I'm sick with a bad ass cold and I'm frustrated at my situation at work, so for me to have a fun filled Sunday is virtually impossible.

This video that I found on YouTube, however, is funny and quite representative of my mood today.

I love it how in that first clip, when things... go down... that one guy seems almost oblivious to what is going on, and just continues to chat on the phone as if everything was just fine. The second clip... what a gal, huh? And, that final dude - well, that could be me - sad isn't it, but that is how I handle anger situations at times... hehe.

I once thrashed my office chair after having lost eight hours of work on the computer and there was a sudden black out. Both in terms of electricity, and in the rational part of my brain. I have a tendency to forget saving often when I do things. I was so angry I got up from my chair, grabbed a good hold of it, swung it up above my head and proceeded to repeatedly smash it against the floor...

What are the craziest things you have done in a fit of rage?

I took a day off, yesterday, after having completed the NaBloPoMo quest. Not because I was fed up of posting blogs every day, but because I was lyin' flat out in my bed feeling sorry for myself. It's been a long time since I've had a cold or anything knock me out like this... It's at times like these I wish I had a sexy, scantily clad girlfriend here to take care of me.

Slightly better today, but still some ways to go before I'll be back to my old usual self.

Enjoy the video, and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with a more cheerful post.

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UPDATE:

Shit, guys! I just rewatched that video, and I noticed something I didn't think of at first, which made that last guy that much funnier. I realized that there was actually some thought to what he was doing... see - he's come to the conclusion that the printer does not work - and therefor he grabs the monitor, places it facedown in the copier and (my guess) wants to make a copy of the screen, instead of getting a printout.... you think I'm right?

Funday Sunday: "Sauna"

Found this funny Swedish commercial, as I thought what should I post for Funday Sunday today? I have just returned home from the gym, and spent a good 20 minutes in the sauna after my work out. I gotta tell you, I love to swelter in a steaming hot sauna.

I wish I could top this off with some funny sauna moments that I have experienced myself, but actually I have never had an embarrassing or otherwise laughable situation in the sauna.

I suspect at one time I interrupted some weirdo while he was yanking his wiener. That's not funny.

I once suffered from penis envy... a guy in there had a freakin' monster between his legs - I am not interested in looking at another man's genitals. But, this one was just the kind of thing where I had to sneak a peek, in order to determine whether, in fact, that thing was real or not.

Another time... recently... I damn near got 2nd degree burns on my hand as I scooped some water onto the rocks, and the steam rose up while I had my hand a little too close.

I think the one time things could've gotten embarrassing (and funny), though I was spared the humiliation of someone entering at that particular time, would be this:

I carry the key to my locker with me as I go inside. I know that by the time I am ready to exit the sauna, the key is going to be damn hot when I grab it, so I do so with caution and wrap it into the towel. This time, I burnt my fingers, dropped the key and it went down between the wooden boards and all the way to the floor beneath. The only way to retrieve the thing was by kneeling down, putting my ass high up in the air - butt naked - and crawl underneath with half my body. As I was fishing for the key, I was absolutely terrified someone would open the door. What they would have seen would've been me on my hands and knees, my bare naked ass glaring at them, while the rest of me would be hidden underneath the seats.

I was spared that embarrassing moment... and now I've just told you people about it. Duh! Way to go, R.E.H.!

Pepsi Bottle / Brief Update

Taken from Metro.co.uk:

"It doesn't take a doctor to work out the results of this X-ray.

And when a glass bottle has been shoved up your bottom, you don't need an expert to tell you anyway.

The X-ray was taken of a 60-year-old man who checked himself into Nishtar Hospital in Multan, Pakistan.

He sought treatment because he claimed - are you ready for this? - thieves had inserted a Pepsi bottle into his anus before stealing two of his buffalo.

He said the robbers were armed and forced the bottle up his bum, according to Dr Abdul Manan, a surgeon at the hospital."

Now... I've always feared being robbed some day - but this really turns that fear into outright phobia!

And, for what possible reason did the robbers see it fit to insert a Pepsi Bottle into the poor man's anus anyway?

"Gimme your buffaloes!"

"No!"

"I said, gimme your buffaloes or I'll shove this bottle up your ass!"

"No!"

"Boys! Hold him down!"

"Nooooo-AAAAH!"

I wonder what the conversation at the hospital sounded like, too.

"Excuse me? Doctor? I need some help"

"Yes. What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"I have a Pepsi Bottle in my stomach"

"How did it get there?"

"Some thugs inserted it through my anus"

"Ok, sir. I have this other doctor you should talk to. He specializes in these kinds of things. He's a very good therapist"

"No, doctor. I'm serious. I have a Pepsi Bottle in my stomach - get an X-Ray and see for yourself"

"Oki Dokey. I'll humor you... Nurse!"

10 minutes later as the x-ray is taken.

"What the fuck? Hey, guys! There really is a bottle in this man's stomach! You gotta come see this shit!"

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Update on the story of The One:

For those who are waiting to hear how that is going, here's a summary of the latest events. You know, since that day we said we'd talk things through and she bailed out of it.

I had decided to start working on letting her go... moving on. One of the reasons I stopped posting about her is because of that decision. If I am to move on, I can't think of her too much, and writing about her forces me to think of her.

I still haven't seen her, but she texted me on Tuesday, wondering if I was working Thursday and Friday. I worked today, but Friday is a day off. I thought there was something she'd want me to do at work... but, that's not what she was after.

She wanted to go to the gym.

She hasn't been there for quite a while, and I've learnt to go there alone and still find it somewhat fun to be there. She got in touch with me today again, wondering if I intended to go tonight, but I told her I was too tired, and that we could go tomorrow morning instead. So, that is now the plan.

I actually look forward to seeing her again - I can't really remember when I've gone this long without seeing her... partly, of course, that is because we used to work together, so I'd see her at work almost every day.

She doesn't mention the "talk" we were supposed to have. But, I will let that go for now, as she does seem willing to try and behave better towards me as it is right now. I don't want to make things more difficult than they have to be.

As for the other thing. That thing I was suspecting and not writing about. I believe I was wrong about that after all... so I'm kind of happy I didn't bring that up in my blogging.

And also:

I have updated my blogroll with a few more blogs that I've frequented lately. If you haven't seen them - check them out!

Airplane Incident

Did you ever make a damn fool out of yourself?

Oh, I know we've all made ourselves look stupid every once in a while, but did you ever do it extravagantly and simply have no place to hide from it for the next 8 hours or so? Make a complete jackass out of yourself and have to remain seated right next to the stranger you so delicately introduced yourself to early on during an eight hour flight?

Well, I did.

Let me tell you about it... just to entertain. Please don't think less of me after you have read this... I really am a good person - and I did not intend to do the things I ended up doing - my mind simply couldn't cope with the situation.

I got on the plane. I was only 17 at the time, and I was going on an eight hour flight all by myself to visit my father. It was, of course, very exiting for me to be making this long trip all on my own. I had a window seat, just like I had wanted, so I could look out at the clouds, and the terrain of our world when flying low enough to witness this beautiful sight. I had flown before, so I knew what it was all about - but, this was the first time I was on my own.

And - Bingo! A beautiful girl who's also alone takes her seat next to me. She's of course older than me - maybe in her mid to late 20's, but I'm a 17 year old horny young boy, and I am looking forward to having her sitting next to me.

Now... let's explain one thing to you. I was very shy around women back then. Talking to them would certainly require a lot of courage, and it took time building that courage up inside. Especially when they were as good looking as this one was.

We take off, and I have not yet said a word to her... possibly did say a quick "Hi" as she took her seat, but that would've been all. I am enjoying my window seat, however, looking out at all the sights early on in the flight, before we are engulfed in the whiteness of the clouds and there really isn't much to see anymore.

Then the stewardess shows up with her little cart, asking if we'd like some hot coffee or tea. You all know I'm addicted to coffee right?

"I'll have some coffee, please"

The girl next to me orders coffee as well. Good sign, I'm thinking. She likes coffee too, that's a decent ice breaker right there.

I remain silent, continuously looking for the balls (no not those balls) to speak to her. And then, as the stewardess places the girl's plastic cup on her pull-out tray and pours her some steaming hot coffee, it is almost time for me to introduce myself to her...

The stewardess hands me an empty plastic cup as well, and I'm holding it out for her to fill it up. She does, and everything goes well... until I pull my arm back to set my cup down on my own tray.

That is when things went wrong. Oh, you've guessed it already, I suppose. I knocked her red hot cup of coffee over with my elbow, and all over her legs and crotch. This was some really hot coffee I'll tell you. I lose control of the muscles in my hand, and my own cup drops. It hits the side of her tray and that too splashes all over her.

She screams. It must hurt like hell!

My eyeballs widen in terror... what have I done???!!!

And... then I try to make things better... or do I try to make them go away? Either way... I shouldn't have done anything...

My hands shoot out from my body. I am not aware of this. Then they dive in between her thighs and start to brush rapidly at her jeans trying to make the hot coffee go away. In a state of panic I try to rub the coffee off of her, my mouth incoherently and repeatedly saying: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry. Didn't mean..."

And, then it hits me. Yes. Finally I come to realize what it is that I am doing to this good looking stranger of a girl. This girl who is in tremendous pain and shock after having two full cups of coffee spilled into her lap...

I have my hands in her crotch, and I'm rubbing at it like crazy...

I retract my hands with force, banging my elbow into my own pull-out tray hurting myself in the process.

"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry... Oh... Sorry!".

I quickly turned my head and looked outside at the beautiful whiteness. I wanted so badly to be somewhere else... in a void somewhere where no one could see me. My face was probably the same color as my blood.

The stewardess was helping the poor girl, giving her napkins and what not allowing the girl to clean herself up (as would have been a much better option indeed). Her pain had subsided I guess, as coffee quickly cools off when spread out in your lap I suppose, but I'm sure it still hurt badly. Second degree burns maybe?

Well, heck! We only had about 7 and a half hours to go before we landed right? I figured I'd just sit there staring out the window and ignore her the whole time.

After about two hours, I had worked up the courage to say I'm sorry... you know... in a respectable way. This whole time she had ignored me as well - listening to the radio with those earphones you get. She'd taken them off, having just returned from the toilet when I decided to speak up.

"I'm sorry about the coffee. Really I am"

She looked at me... still angry it seemed.

"That really hurt you know"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, you know. I'm sorry about... you know", and I motion with my hands as I cannot find a way to express my error of groping at her crotch.

"I don't want to talk about it, ok", she says and plugs her ears, going back to listening to music.

I have never before (and hopefully will never again) felt like such a jackass, and as I said - I had no place to hide. I had to sit there, right next to her... hoping my leg wouldn't brush up against hers, because she might read something into it - and you all know how spacey airplane seats are, right?

I turn to her again - today. Now that we both may be able to look at that incident differently.

Airplane Girl? You here?

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for spilling our coffees in your lap. I didn't mean anything by rubbing the hot, wet area between your legs. I just wasn't thinking clearly, ok? So now that you know I'm not some pervert. Now that you know I am a decent human being... what do you say? Would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me some time?

Funday Sunday: "Happy Birthday"

*Singing at the top of my lungs*

Happy Birthday to Me...

Happy Birthday to Me...

Happy Birthday dear R.E.H...

Happy Birthday to Me...

I made it! Another year and I'm still alive and kicking :)

So, for a special "Funday Sunday", I present to you a compilation of funny birthday moments I found on YouTube. I particulary enjoyed the fainting old lady, and the kid who tipped the table over and got the birthday cake in his face.

My entire family are coming over today, so I've got a lot of prepping to do. Making food, tidying up (which is very much needed), setting the tables and getting myself ready so I do not look like I just crawled out of my future grave to greet them.

Have a good day! And, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Funday Sunday: "Billy Connolly"

I've always been a big fan of stand-up comedy. To me it is the purest form of entertainment there is. One guy/girl on a stage talking to an audience, making them laugh. When I first came across this guy, a Scottish dude named Billy Connolly, I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed my pants. I think it's the accent, and his rather eccentric appearance that combines for the humor, along with (of course) the stories he tells.

Watch this video for a good laugh.

Now, I don't smoke myself. To be honest, I'm quite happy about people not being allowed to smoke everywhere these days, because I'm not too fond of passive smoking either. I do, however, fully agree with Mr. Connolly as he tells that lady off. If you're sitting somewhere where smoking is allowed... you have no right to ask someone to put out their cigarette.

I'm also in full agreement with the cellphone part. Don't you all just hate it when your having a cup of coffee with a friend, and they start chatting on the friggin' phone, instead of with you while you are sitting right there in front of them, feeling fucking stupid as you have no one to talk to yourself. I'm like:

"Excuse me? Why'd you get a cup of coffee with me, if you're just going to sit there talking to that stupid thing?".

Ever happened to you at the cash register in a store? The clerk holding his hand up while you've got whatever your buying laid out on the counter and a wad of cash in your hands, just wanting to pay and get the hell out of there? I feel like walking around the counter and ring it up myself, putting my money in and grabbing the change... I'm sure that would get him off the phone quickly enough.

Funday Sunday: "Beer Ride"

Came across this video the other day. What a laugh! Seriously, this guy is absolutely nuts... what if he'd fall off of that thing (which seems very probable that one would do sooner or later), because it really seems he's riding that rather interesting vehicle at a reasonable speed. Apparently it is built from a beer crate, or something.

Now, if I claimed to be hung over last Funday Sunday... let me assure you today is ten times worse. But, it was definitely worth it... what a blast last night was. Got to bed at around 7:30 AM... and back up at 9:45 AM... you do the math.

Things went ok with The One also, so no more broken hearts this weekend (no mending of any broken hearts either). But, I guess I'll tell you some of that tomorrow - as I definitely can't write a long post today.

Enjoy the clip!

PS. Some seem to have experienced problems seeing the vid... try this link in that case:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cCvhXXlG-I

Funday Sunday: "La Linea"

When I was a kid, this was by far my favorite cartoon. La Linea is (I think) some Italian comic about this guy who walks along a line, finding different things to do on the way. His rather schizophrenic behaviour was something I could really relate to. No wonder my mother used to call me "La Linea". That always got me upset, though, and she would laugh it off teasing me about it... maybe it scarred me for life? :)

I leave you with this clip for today, because I am way too hung over to write anything else funny on this Funday Sunday.

Tomorrow, maybe I'll tell you a little bit about my rather wild Saturday night at my cousins 30th birthday party.

Take care, everyone!

Funday Sunday: "One Of These"

This is my favorite comic strip of all time... ha ha! I'm so sorry, people... but this one tickles my funny-bone every single time I see it. The simplicity of the drawings, that somehow still manages to show facial expressions that convey a lot of emotion. And... of course, the truthfulness of the story itself (I hate to admit it, ladies - but, there's a lot of truth to what she says... you girls have the upper hand).

I have absolutely no idea where I got this one from, but I found it one day when cleaning out some old papers a few years ago - mostly school books and stuff, so I guess I got it at school for some reason. I don't know who drew it, so I cannot credit the rightful owner of this entertaining little comic strip. I have a strange feeling it's got something to do with grammar... but we couldn't possibly have used this in class, could we?

When I came across it and read it (having no recollection at all of when I first may have obtained this piece of paper), I laughed so hard I damn near puked. That day I decided I needed to frame it and put it on the wall - that's right! I'm weird like that, and to this day still that thing remains framed and hangs on my bedroom wall.

The version you see here has been scanned into the computer, and I've touched it up a little, since the original is barely holding together, having been stashed away and folded for who knows how long.

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Funday Sunday:

Been thinking it's about time I start structuring my blogging a little bit, and this will be the first thing that I'll do. Every Sunday will be Funday - meaning; I'll put something up that I consider a good laugh. That doesn't mean you guys will laugh every Sunday, because I have a sick sense of humor.

Reason I decided on having a comic relief is because over the past week my blogs have been kind of depressing - so it's time we started enjoying ourselves a little bit more.

I will come up with a few more "regular features" that I will do - but I do not want to have a full week schedule of what I will post on a daily basis. Some structure is good... too much and it's no longer interesting.

For those of you who have started leaving me comments - Thank You. It really makes it all a lot more worth while (the blogging).