Major Award / Big Project

I'm on a roll here!

I've received my third award in just over a week... which proves one thing. When it rains - it pours! (Didn't I use that comment recently?)

This is the second award awarded me by the fun and crazy Jay Cam of Jay's World. He's got one of the craziest blogs I've seen, and often makes me chuckle like Santa Claus on Christmas night.

I like the look of this award... I'd like a lamp just like it. I'd put it right next to my bed on the nightstand there...

I've been doing some thinking as to whom I should pass this award on to... which was indeed a difficult process. So many of you are here, commenting on my blogs. So many of you I do my utmost to read every day if possible - which is hard now as the Holiday Season's are drawing nearer by the hour.

I've decided on three people who have been frequenting this place almost since the very beginning, and whose blogs I've been frequenting since I first ventured into the world of blogging myself. It felt like the right approach, and is why I will give the award to the following people:

Note: If you weren't awarded - that does NOT mean you are not deserving of one... I just can't hand it out to everyone, now can I?

1. Guilty Secret (Guilty Secret)
One of my must read blogs, this one! If you haven't caught up on the story of Guilty Secret and her drug-dealing boyfriend (Baddie), then you've missed out on a wonderfully honest and deeply personal blog that never fails to leave me breathless after reading it.

2. Sports, Soaps, and a Wandering Mind (Samantha K.)
Sweet, funny and deliciously flirtatious. Samantha K. over at Sports, Soaps, and a Wandering Mind runs an excellent blog, where we are invited to follow her budding romance with the UPS man (why I didn't take up a job delivering packages is beyond me). She's been around here from the early stages, and has often found a way to make me feel good when I'm down.

3. Pickled Beef (Tink)
Queen of the Weekly Words Challenge, and provider of increasingly challenging words for us who participate in the WWC to play with. Tink's got a wonderful blog, in which you should really look for her "Daily Conversation" snippets. I love them, because she seems like such a fun and easy going person, while she still has a heart of gold.

Take heart of this award, and know that I appreciate your contribution in the blogging community.

On to other things...

I was originally thinking of posting a massive blog for today. There's something I've been meaning to do for a while, but haven't been entirely sure on how I would approach it.

For those of you who've been around awhile - did you think I'd forgotten all about The One? I haven't been posting about her for quite some time... except for briefly mentioning her every once in a while. Well, for one - there hasn't been much to write about on the subject, because I haven't had the pleasure of spending any time with her. I still long for her, but I think being apart for a while has helped me gain some composure, as I was really beginning to fall apart before.

I remember you people unanimously voting "forget about her/you deserve better", and you will probably remember me being all ignorant of that sort of advice (albeit good, I'll admit).

Well... I've wanted to make things a little clearer. Since I started blogging, I just kind of jumped right in on the story, and it so happened that just when my blog went into the virtual world, things in the real world exploded in my face. I was never really given a chance to think things through, and I believe that showed in the posts I made.

Because of this, I have decided to start a new blogging "series". A novella, self biography or whatever the hell you want to call it. This thing will serve two purposes:

a) It will take you readers right down to the deepest core of what has happened, and why these things have happened. Right from the very start (long before The One came into the picture)

b) It will serve as an outlet for me to deal with issues that have seriously damaged my mental well being, and I will hope that not only writing it down will make me see things in a different way, but also load a big weight off my chest. Your comments along the way will also hopefully serve as a healing aid.

(Boy! Am I getting all sentimental here)

Because these will likely be long reads, I have decided to give you people an option here. Do I incorporate this project into the blog we have here... the "Ramblings Of A Madman" blog? Or, do I start a brand new blog where I post this... blogography, so those who are not interested in listening to me whine are spared these posts?

In order to make a decision, maybe you need the following information.

• I do not intend to post this more than once a week (depending on how much time I can find to write them)
• Posts are likely to be quite long - much like a short chapter in a book, so grab a cup of hot cocoa, sit back and relax.
• It will be a sequential read. To fully understand it is likely you have to read them all.
• While much of it will be sentimental and dark, I will incorporate some humor into it so we don't all end up committing group suicide. This humor, is likely to be dark, though.
• It will be honest and I will not shy away from detail that maybe I feel uncomfortable sharing.
• It will be 100% non-fiction, and a true reflection of my experiences and my mind.
• If posted here, it will not change anything about how I've done things here until now.

There are 4 ways in which I can do this.

1. Post here on Rambling Madman whenever I feel like it.

2. Post here on Rambling Madman once a week (weekly feature)

3. Post here on Rambling Madman bi-weekly (every two weeks, giving me more time to write it real good)

4. Start new Blog which will house nothing but this project.

Please make your vote in the sidebar here, and if you're in for the weekly or bi-weekly feature, comment here and tell me which days you find the best for a long read - weekends, Mondays or Wednesdays... whatever.

Again, thank you all for your support and commenting on my blog!

Beautiful. Hot. Sexy. Cute.

"Do you think I am beautiful?"

She'd been standing there for a while. I was just sitting at the kitchen table, jotting a few ideas down for a movie script, while she was leaning her back against the wall by the door looking at me.

We had that kind of relationship, where we could feel each others presence and enjoy each others company without really having to talk to one another. Just being in the same room made us feel comfortable.

"Of course you are, honey"

She walks up to me. Her face is sincere and she's looking deep into my eyes as she sits down in front of me.

"Don't you think that I'm hot?"

"Oh, you're hot alright. Really hot".

"Do you think I'm sexy?"

"Yes".

"I'm not just cute, then?"

"Honey. I think you're beautiful. I think you're hot, sexy and cute. You are my girlfriend and I love you"

She sighs... looks away from me. She looks sad all of a sudden.

"You're just saying that because that's what you think I want to hear. I can't be all of those things at the same time".

This conversation has stuck in my head for many years. She was my first true love. We lived together, and back then I was so sure I would spend the rest of my life with this girl - that's how much I was in love with her.

I've been thinking about it... a lot. What do these words mean to a woman? What do they mean to me? Which adjective to use when you speak to a woman, so as not to offend her?

I know I don't really care to be called Cute. Cute is not a word that speaks to my manliness. Cute will not make me feel wanted by the girl who calls me that. Cute is almost demeaning to me... but, to a woman it should be looked at in high regard. At least coming from me... nothing I love more than a woman with a cute smile - that'll knock me out in a second.

Hot, or Sexy. Yes... that's what I like to hear.

Beautiful... yes... from someone I am in love with.

But don't they really all come down to one and the same? That you enjoy looking at them? Let us analyze each word here... from my point of view. I will only be talking about visuals here... never mind the girls personality attributes in conjunction with these words for now - I am looking at this from a shallow point of view today.

BEAUTIFUL - When I can look at a woman for long, long periods of time and enjoy every single second of doing it - then she is beautiful. When I can just study the lines of her face, the shape of her jaw and cheekbones, the way her hair falls down on her shoulders, how her eyes sparkle when she looks back at me, and there is nothing about her that makes me think... Hey, that wart on her nose there's got to go... should I suggest she go see a surgeon who could remove it for her? She should really go to the dentist more often... get a shine on those teeth. Yeah... that would be my definition of Beautiful.





HOT - A woman who is hot, is a knock-out. She's the kind of girl that when I first lay eyes on her, I think; Holy mother of all! Check this one out, fellas! I think I'm in luuuve! She's the kind of girl you want to show off to all of your friends just to make them envious of you for having such a dreamy girl by your side. She's the kind of girl that makes it hard for you to think beyond the surface and see who she is on the inside... because... who the fuck cares when you can drool all over what you see?








SEXY - A chick who is sexy will have full succulent lips, eyes that can burn into your very soul when she looks at you. She will, of course, have a perfect body... a slim waist, perfect tits and an ass you just cannot keep your hands off. She will make me think: Sweet lord Jesus, do I want to take those clothes off of you right now. I want to kiss every inch of you, feel every part of your naked body with the tips of my fingers, and then I want to make you moan and scream my name as you cum. Because you, girl, turn me the hell on! That is what a sexy girl will do to me.






CUTE - The most important attribute for a girl to be cute is their smile. If they have a contagious smile, that makes me want to smile back at them, and that makes me feel all happy inside, then they are immediately cute. Often a rather petite face will do the trick as well. A small nose, small mouth, rounded cheeks and eyes that are full of life. Cute girls make me go: Gosh, girl. Don't I just want to hug you right now. I want to hold you close to me and hold you tight. I want to run my fingers alongside your face and trace the lines of your smile. You just make me feel so wonderful when I look at you. That is how I look at a cute girl.




So, girls... don't diss the cuteness. It is a compliment to you ladies. You are supposed to be cute - not us guys, we don't want to be cute... better you call me rough. A little rough on the edges - yes, that makes me feel better.

And... if cute was such a bad thing to be... how come of the girls above who represent my views of each and every word, it is Kate Hudson of "Cute" who wins my heart.

Kate? If you're here... if you're reading this. I have a question for you.

"Will you marry me?"

Cell Phone Blues...

I keep hoping for a message on my cell. I can't help it, but I still keep hoping for that to happen.

We kind of got into a fight the other day. It wasn't something I wanted to happen, but there comes a time when a guy simply cannot keep his mouth shut any longer. And that time was the other day.

There is this other thing I've been suspecting... you know - the thing I haven't told you about yet. The thing I cannot yet write about, because I am not so sure about it... whether it is or is not - if I'm just being paranoid or adding 1 plus 1 and coming up with 3. I felt though, the other day, as if she was trying to get me to talk about that thing.

I had a particularly bad day at work. I hate my job so much these days it really takes all my willpower just to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. Every single day I'm feeling like I should call in sick, or maybe just walk out the door and deal with the financial implications of that later. When The One came in to work that day I tried to small talk with her. My suspicions about her, and my general irritation of being at work was apparent, and maybe I wasn't much fun or pleasant to speak with.

I was having lunch, and she was sitting in the break-room when I came in there.

"Tell me what's on your mind", she says to me. "What's bothering you?"

"You know. The usual. I hate this job", I tell her. Of course, I leave out the part that something about her is bothering me as well.

"Get it all out. Say what you feel and get it over with".

This is when I start to get the feeling she's not interested in hearing about how much I hate my job... but rather she is aiming to get me to talk about that other thing. If what I think I know is a fact - she does know that I know. If what I think is not a fact - she does know that I think it may be so. Get it?

"Well... not much to say. I hate the hours, the organization, the fucking place is a mess. I just hate being here is all", I say.

She gets up from her chair.

"No use talking to you", she says, sounding surprisingly angry. She walks out of the break room, into the office. There are no doors between us, just a small kitchen area, so I can still see her as she sits down in front of the computer.

"Why don't you sit here? Keep me company?"

"You're not talking. Why should I sit there?"

I am getting angry with her. I keep my mouth shut, and eat my lunch in silence all alone. After I have finished, I felt like I should go talk to her. See if there is anything she wants to tell me.

I walk out into the office and sit down next to her. She's aimlessly browsing the computer - it doesn't take much brain capacity to see that she's not looking at anything in particular, and that she's consumed by it only to ignore me. I try to talk to her, asking how her day has been and other completely useless things like that. Just to break the ice. She would mumble something in response sometimes, but mostly not say anything.

Now, I am angry. I get up from my chair.

"Not much use coming out here for company. Who's the one not talking now?"

"I have nothing to say to you", she says.

I start to walk out of the office.

"You don't want to talk about what's bothering you", she's complaining.

This is when I decide for myself that she is indeed fishing for me to talk about that thing. And, I'm beginning to feel that I have really had enough of this bullshit. If that thing is to be brought up... it is her damn responsibility to do so.

"Got something you want to tell me?", I ask her.

She ignores me. This whole time her face has not left the screen of the computer. She's being the ace bitch she knows too damn well how to be. I turn to walk away, but something stops me. It is anger that stops me... this is it! Now, I've had enough, and it is time to tell her so... that enough is enough.

"What the hell is your god damn problem anyway?". I say it loud and clear to her.

Now she turns around to look at me. She manages to look surprised and angry at the same time.

"What do you mean by that?"

"This! Your fucking attitude against me. I've been keeping my mouth shut about it for way too long now. I'm sick and tired of you treating me like shit".

"What do I do that's so wrong?"

Excuse me? You don't know? Yes, you do! You're just not woman enough to face it are you? That's what I wanted to say right then.

"Just about everything lately. You don't answer my calls. You ignore me when I text to you. You have an attitude against me when we meet."

"Was I not nice to you at the company party last week?"

Oh... this girl is not so stupid after all, you know. Maybe that is why she was so friendly that weekend... so she could use it as an argument should we get into a fight about her attitude.

"Apart from being a bitch about me getting lost when we got there you were a doll all weekend. I was surprised at how friendly you were. Is that the way things should be? That I should be surprised that you are treating me nice?"

Got her!

She continued to defend her right to be a bitch towards me. Explaining once again what she's told me before... that she doesn't want me to think she's in love with me. Come on, girl! I just need to know that she's my friend right now... fuck the love business for a while, ok?

And then, someone walks into the office. We both become very quiet. The person who entered started talking to The One, and I just stood there cursing this person in my thoughts. I said The One's name after a while... I wasn't finished - but this talk is one we should have when others are not listening.

"You gonna be here a while?", I say. I am surprised at how at ease I sounded asking her that.

"I don't know. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes", she says.

"Come see me before you leave, ok?", and then I walked out of the office.

I didn't expect her to look me up before she left the building. I thought this was really it - the end of our friendship as well. She did though, and no one else was near.

"I don't want to argue with you, you know. But you really can't expect me to tolerate the way you've been treating me lately. And if you say you don't think you've treated me badly, you're lying".

"Well, I... You know...", she doesn't quite know what to say.

"It has to end. Right now". And then I said the thing I've wanted to say to her for so long lately. "I only ask one thing of you. All I want is for the old you to return. The One I once got to know. The friendly, sweet and funny girl you used to be. That's really all that I want from you".

"I know", she says.

"So, can you do that for me? Can you try?"

"But, you know why I've been acting like that, and..."- I stop her right there.

"That's what I'm talking about. There you go again, ignoring my question".

She just walks out on me. Head down, not looking back at me.

I spent the rest of the day thinking what I could do to salvage things. I didn't want things to end like that between us. After work, I did something maybe I shouldn't have done. I gave her a call - expecting of course she would not answer. She did though. I made an effort not to sound angry, not to sound hurt - but simply to sound... reasonable.

"You know what I want? I want you and me to get together and talk things through. We'll both say exactly what's on our minds and get it out of our systems. There are things I haven't told you, that maybe I should. And I am sure there are things you haven't told me. We talk things over, and then we'll take it from there. I'm pretty sure you don't like the way things are between us any more than I do".

"Maybe... yes".

"Ok... so, whenever you want to. Just let me know. That is... if you want to".

"Maybe Monday. I think I have the day off from work", she says - this is Saturday. "I'll call you Sunday night, ok?"

I am actually relieved. This is something I feel we would both benefit from - either way it goes. If it goes badly - we could both agree to not be friends anymore (and I wouldn't have to keep trying so damn hard), and if it goes well, we could leave all the crap behind us and start to enjoy each others company once again.

After that call, I thought maybe I had tapped into a good thing. She texted me a couple of times during that evening... just to stay in touch - nothing important, nothing she needed me to do, and she even said thank you for something I had forgotten I'd done for her... a long time ago.

I felt good Saturday night. I felt as if we were finally on our way to resolve the issues between us.

Didn't hear from her Sunday. At around 10PM I got tired of waiting, and texted to her.

'DID YOU HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW?'

The response I got came a couple of hours later. Just around midnight.

'YES... I HAVE SOME THINGS PLANNED FOR MY ONLY DAY OFF THIS WEEK...'

I texted this back to her:

'SO, WE WON'T GET TOGETHER TOMORROW?'

I haven't heard from her since.

Today, I sent her another message. The store she's been transferred to had their grand opening today - it's a new store. Opening day's are always fun and hectic. I am genuinely interested in how things went over there today. I have no one else to get that information from. I simply asked her how things went with the opening. That is now more than 3 hours ago... and I haven't even got a response to that.

I know. I have to move on now... but, I still want that talk. Right now... all I want is to have that good friend she once was back.

Do you like my poker face?

Today I will play some poker with my buddies. It's been a while since we were all available to get together one evening for some beer and cards.

Used to be we played every Saturday, but many of us have had other things to do lately. I for one (as you know) have been partying pretty darn hard lately.

Well... I'm in quite a hurry, so I'm just stepping in to quickly write today's post, to keep up with the NaBloPoMo thing.

And, to continue from yesterday's post... I will leave you hanging for a bit longer before I tell you what is actually going on. Things happened today as well, so there is likely to be a couple more posts about The One in the near future, and what you will hear may shock you or disappoint you.

I will keep my poker face about what is actually happening right now, but I will give you just a small added teaser... we met today, briefly, as she came in to work - she didn't leave with a smile on her face. And, I spent the rest of my work-day trying to figure out what my next step really was... and I came up with a solution...

Tomorrow is Funday Sunday (and I might tease you some more then).

New wheels...

So I finally got my new wheels on today. It was just in the nick of time as frost and cold weather is now incoming, and the roads will be a treacherous place without proper tires on your car.

Well... Today is one of those days when I really don't have anything to write about, but since I decided to enter this NaBloPoMo thing, I really don't have a choice but to post something anyway.

I could tell you a little bit about what I was thinking while relaxing in the sauna after gym today. But, guess what? I was thinking about The One, and what she'd been texting me earlier today. The message I got was one that I dare not speak of even in my blog as of yet.

I may have misinterpreted the whole thing by a mile, and if that is the case, I sure don't want to have blogged about it only to find out I was way off the mark on that one. If it is true... my suspicions... however - that would explain a hell of a lot about what I've been going through the last couple of months. In any way - whatever the truth may be - I am pretty sure it marked the end of an era. You will not have to suffer through too many posts about The One from now on... if I do, the whole story will have taken a drastic turn of events and the plot would have thickened significantly.

I also got a new battery for my watch today, and for some reason that made me think of how much I could use a new battery for myself as well.

So... I guess what I wanted to say is - I'm sorry to have been so down and blue (pun intended) lately. I will now be seeking the strength to move forward in life, and leave The One behind me. It is probably the toughest decision I've made in a very long time... and it will be hard, because everywhere I go - there will be things to remind me of her, even when she's not around in person.

I will, however, reserve the right to change that decision should my suspicions turn out to be false after all.

My car's got new wheels, and I will travel down new roads of life.

Intersection Of Love/Hate

In my November 5 post, I briefly mentioned I may write a blog about a conversation me and my co-worker had at the company party. It is actually something I initially wrote for that day, but decided against posting then for a couple of reasons.

1) I had promised to write about how much fun I had during the weekend.

2) I wasn't sure I wanted to post it at all.

3) I didn't want to bore you with stories about The One all the time.

But... now I decided I should post it. Partly because I want to hear your reactions to it, and partly because this is why I started a blog in the first place - to vent some frustration and feelings and get some answers to questions I cannot answer myself.

Ok... from here on - this is (mostly) stuff I wrote on November 5th. The final part of it has been finished today, as I stopped writing once I realized I wasn't going to post it that day.

Here goes...

---------------------------------

"You're driving the wrong fucking way... we passed that intersection already".

There's resentment in her voice as The One informs me of what I already know. The intersection I was looking for was simply nowhere to be found, and I had almost driven straight through the town we were in.

"I'm looking for a gas station. We'll get directions from there", I tell her, sounding all calm and relaxed.

I wasn't really noticing how she sounded, but later that night someone said something that made me remember this tiny incident on our way to the hotel.

"Why do you put up with it?", one of my co-workers asks me late at night (early morning in fact) when we are both well beyond sobriety. We were talking about The One, and I had asked him what he thought of her... you know, once you're drunk those questions that one shouldn't ask have a way of finding their way out of one's mouth quite easily.

"What?", I say... honestly not knowing what he meant.

"Like in the car this morning. When we got lost. Damn was she being a bitch about it, as if it was your fucking fault the damn intersection wasn't there".

"Oh, that... well, I'm sort of used to her acting up on me", and I kind of shrugged and dismissed the whole thing again.

And... yes that is a fact. I've always thought that her stingy comments were always directed at me, on account of her having difficulties dealing with the fact I have these strong feelings for her.

Now, that may sound to you people like it should be enough for me to tell her to piss off, and not ever give her the time of my day again. But, I know this kind of behaviour - I've seen it before. It's not who they are or what they really want. I've spoken to her about it, and she's told me she's sorry to have been such a bitch - and that it's only because she doesn't know how to be around me. That time, I told her I didn't buy into that behaviour, and that I knew she wasn't like that. Hence... I have developed a way of completely ignoring it when it happens.

"Well, if you want my honest opinion... you should forget about her because she's an attention seeking bitch, who doesn't care about anyone else but herself".

That remark shocked me to the point I almost fell down as my knees buckled.

Now... I was under the impression that her "bitchyness" was something I was the sole beneficiary of, but apparently according to this co-worker of mine it is something others have noted about her as well. That was a revelation to me... big-time!

It is her... not me. It is not about my feelings for her. It is all about her...

But. What happened? Because she was definitely not like that a few months ago. Not to me, not to anyone else.

[ed. Note: This is where I picked up today to continue this post]

She really was the most adorable girl I ever knew. She was caring, she shared with me her thoughts on just about everything, she would call me for no reason just to talk, she laughed and she joked. She would also say positive things about me, and comment me on a lot of things...

That is when I fell in love with her. That is the girl I am still in love with. Not the girl she has become - the one who refuses to answer the phone when I call (something that co-worker I talked to that night has also been the victim of), the one who takes every opportunity to knock me down and hurt my feelings. The one who only gets in touch with me these days to ask a favor, or when she needs me to do something.

I miss the girl I once knew. I miss The One I fell in love with.

I am hoping this is just a phase she's going through. I wish I could help her, because I can only assume that something is wrong, and that she's not feeling good or isn't happy for some reason.

She still occasionally re-surfaces - the sweet and loving side of her, and the cute and funny, and the simply adorable The One. She did the morning after the party, when she came knocking on my door at 9:45AM, waking me up. She came in and sat down, offered a joke or two, and wanted to make sure I was ok. She was smiling, and didn't look at me as if she wished she were someplace else.

At least... now I know it isn't just me. I am not the only one to see these changes in her. If only I could tell her how much I miss the girl I got to know and fell in love with. That is the girl I want to be with every minute of every day.

The jealousy game... and breakfast

One of my female co-workers start pulling at my arm with great strength. I steel myself against her, remaining seated in my chair.

"C'mon... dance with me!"

She's had plenty to drink and she's having a really good time.

"You know I don't dance."

I am a terrible dancer, and I've never felt very comfortable on the dance-floor. That is a shame, because there are times I wish I could strut my stuff to impress the ladies - because it seems such a good place to pick them up... if you know what I mean.

She keeps tugging at my arm, and reluctantly I get up and follow her to the dance-floor. She immediately starts dancing very close to me. She's sexing me up here, and I immediately start thinking; Ok... what is going on here?

She starts rubbing herself against me, and her arms lace around my neck pulling me close to her. Then, she proceeds to kissing me on the neck all the while making suggestive movements with her hips. Then - she whispers (well, more like yells seeing as the music is loud) into my ear.

"If this doesn't get her attention, I don't know what is wrong with her".

Oh... I get it... Yup, I wasn't born yesterday.

Back at the table where I was seated so comfortably on a chair, The One is talking to another one of our female co-workers. She definitely was noticing me on the dance-floor. I couldn't tell though if there was any reaction.

My co-worker chick starts making out with me - our lips meet, and she thrusts her tongue into my mouth. She's an attractive chick too, so I... ahem... play along.

"I don't give a damn what you say... I'm gonna make sure she knows you are a desirable man. Maybe then she'll come around for you...", she says as we continue to dance sexy (well, she's sexy - I probably look like I don't know where I am or where I belong).

The very wise and witty Jay (aka Cynical Bastard), in a comment the other day suggested I have someone repeatedly calling me on the cellphone to see if The One would start asking questions. I loved that idea - but this was even better... And, maybe it did work to some extent - because The One didn't ignore me that night. She didn't come seeking my love and affection either, but she was friendly and didn't give me any of that shit she's been giving me when we've partied the last couple of times.

I had made up my mind early on that I wouldn't be chasing after The One during this party. No way was she going to stand in the way of me having some fun this night. There was plenty of good looking girls at the place to keep me busy for hours on end.

I started early down that path, as we were seated for dinner when we first got to the party. A stunningly attractive blond was sitting a little to the left on the opposite side of the table. The One was seated right beside me on the left side as well. I spoke normally to The One, and threw a couple of compliments at the hot blond across the table. She was already quite tipsy, and giggled a little as I did.

That was how I planned to be that evening. Not being rude or anything against The One, but to simply behave as if we are friends, and nothing more - the way she wants it to be, as she says. So, if I wanted to flirt with someone, you better believe I had every intention of doing just that.

We were getting very drunk toward the end of the party, and now we wanted to continue to party at the hotel. Only four of us had the stomach to keep on rocking as it was getting very late. I think the bus we took back to the hotel arrived at 2 AM. The One was one of them. She and the other girl from work bailed out on the partying however, and that left only me and a male co-worker.

I honestly don't remember if this other girl from out-of-town was with us from the start, or if we met her downstairs when my co-worker and I went for a smoke outside. What I do know is that she became the victim of the most embarrassing pick-up attempt I have ever witnessed.

We're sitting in the hotel lobby. Me, my co-worker, the Out-Of-Town Chick and Mr. Pick-Up Lines.

"You're just trying to get me into your room", she is very clear that she's not interested.

"Yeah... why don't you?". He's laid back in a lounge chair, thinking he's all that.

"'Cause you're a freakin' moron"

"I'm a smooth player", he says.

"Yeah, right"

Now, I'm starting to laugh sitting right next to the guy. He throws me a glance, but keeps it up - and whatever it was that got me to the point of laughter, was just about to become even funnier. The Out-Of-Town Chick is wearing a rather short skirt. Her legs show a lot of skin - there's a small scar below her right knee. I'm trying to divert the conversation before she is too bored with the guy and leaves... I was kind of hoping to get lucky myself...

"What's with the scar?"

She seems relieved to get the opportunity for a normal conversation. But, isn't allowed to get into that.

"Those legs...", Mr. Pick-Up Lines speaks up. "Look at those legs".

She sighs. He continues to just point at her legs.

"What about her legs", my other co-worker asks him. He too is having fun with this.

"Hrmph... wha? I'll just throw them aside", and he motions with his hands to emphasize.

"You gonna throw her legs aside?", I ask. And then I begin laughing hard again. She's rolling her eyes at him, beginning to be very annoyed.

Mr. Pick-Up Lines suddenly starts talking about something else.

"I thought I had those pills with me, but I can't find them", he says. "See... I got those 2 dollar Viagra pills."

This guy is not even 30 years old. I can't for the life of it figure out why he would want Viagra, and I don't think I want to know either.

"You don't get any Viagra for 2 dollars", my co-worker tells him. I'm too busy laughing.

"No, I got these... I don't know... from fucking Asia or summin. Fucking keeps your boner for hours man! Good for me and for her", and he points at the Out-Of-Town Chick again.

Needless to say, this guy went back to his hotel-room without her. She went with me and my co-worker upstairs. I tried a little to lure her into my room, but with the events downstairs I kind of knew it would be hard. Couldn't come on too strong now, and she was tired and wanted to get some sleep.

Time was late, or early I should say. Me and my co-worker went to my room, and we talked for a couple of hours... a chat I may or may not speak of in this blog later this week.

I started thinking of how I was going to drive home on Sunday.

"We should get some sleep, dude. What time is it?", I ask him.

"Six thirty", he looks up a little surprised. "Six thirty man. Breakfast is served downstairs"

"I need some sleep dude. Gotta drive in the morning"

"Let's have breakfast first!"

"Ok", and so we went downstairs to the restaurant, both of us with a bottle of beer in our hands. I ate bacon and eggs, burnt toast, orange juice and washed it all down with some more beer.

Hit the sack at around 7:30 AM, and was awakened by The One knocking on my door at 9:45. When I saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful thing in the world. I also thought; Damn, I wish the Out-Of-Town Chick had spent the night in my room.

Wonder how she would've reacted to that?

The picture? Yes, that is me during the final hours of the party.

Cousins, Beer and Carefree Making Out

It all started out innocently enough... my cousin Ellie's* 30th birthday party. Some of her friends and of course the family all gathered together in a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere... far from the city.

There was food, coffee and the traditional birthday cake, and talk was mild and pleasant. We had some fun and games as well, drawing portraits of one another using our left hand (right hand, if you were left-handed). The one on the left here is of me, drawn by my other cousin Deena, thank you very much. Never knew I looked that much alike Edvard Munch's "The Scream". Maybe she's clairvoyant though, because I'm pretty sure I looked very much like that before the night came to an end...

We have a close family. But, since we don't live in the same city, I don't really see them except for when we have those family get togethers. On those occasions, one rarely notices how they act and behave among friends. Since we don't drink alcohol when we meet (partly because my grandparents never approved of such behaviour, partly because of a history of alcoholism in our family) we haven't often seen that side of one another.

Now, I've partied with my cousins before... Ellie, Deena and Annie on occasion, quite often with cousin Andy who grew up close by me... first time I ever had a beer, he was there too... what a night that was! But, my youngest cousin Aimee... I don't believe I had quite figured it out until recently that she is no longer a little child. Somewhere along the line she's turned 19, and has become quite an attractive young lady.

Well... anyway. Family leaves at 6 PM. Friends arrive at the same time, and coffee and birthday cakes are replaced with bottles of beer, whiskey and vodka. Food becomes bowls of chips and the like. Mild and pleasant chatting is replaced with loud music and deafening laughter and talking.

Party time!

When I drink... I usually start slowly, and as the night progresses my drinking speed escalates. I think it's only an hour into the evening that I'm sitting at a table noticing my youngest cousin (19 years of age, I remind you) with a can of beer held firmly in her hand. I try to understand when and how she grew up so fast... she notices me looking.

"Now, that's something I'm not getting used to any time soon", I tell her, letting my eyes fall down to the can of beer she's holding.

She looks at the beer, takes a mouthful, and laughs it off.

"I'm not a kid anymore", she replies.

"Yes, you are. If you weren't I'd be old", I say.

Thankfully, she does not comment on my age. Lately, I've gotten to the point where I am not comfortable about what my birth-certificate has down as my birth year. I'm still in my early 20's dammit! I'm single... no kids... I must surely still be in my early twenties.

Less than an hour after that I start noticing guys hitting on her. Hold it right there, mister! That's my cousin you're slobbering all over. Birthday girl Ellie notices the same... the two are sisters, but live some distance apart so she's not really used to adulthood Aimee either... she's never seen this side of her sister before.

I start looking for my gloves... my metal studded gloves. Touch her, dammit, and I'll start swinging. You better believe it.

Yet another hour later, I'm starting to be quite intoxicated myself. The half hour to forty-five minutes it took to down a can of beer earlier is now reduced to 15-20 minutes per can. And Aimee is on the couch making out with some 27 year old dude.

Now... I'm an adult, and I can do whatever I damned well please... so just because I'm in love with a girl 10+ years my junior, does not mean she can fool around with some guy older than her... guys like that want to do things she must never, ever indulge in... I cannot even bring myself to writing it down.

"Maybe I should go out there and pry him loose from her lips", I say to the people around me.

"Nah, he's a good enough guy. The other one would've been bad for her though", one of Ellie's friends tell me - one who knows this guy. Another guy had tried to get it on with her earlier that night, but I guess she can tell the jerks from the good ones after all. He was mercifully given the cold shoulder.

I step outside for some fresh air. Of course I can't do anything about the situation I've been witnessing. Cousin Ellie's best friend is outside smoking a cigarette (I don't smoke myself, just went out to breathe some cold air). I have my jacket on, because even after all that beer I can feel the cold outside.

"Isn't that jacket a little big on you?", she notices.

I bought the jacket last winter, paid good money for it too, and now that I lost all that weight... it doesn't fit very well. To hell with it, I can't afford to buy a new jacket every winter... I'll wear it.

"Shit... I think I am a little drunk tonight". She never waits for my response about my over-sized jacket. "I think I need some random, carefree making out". That's how she put it... not my words.

My cousin comes out at that, and starts talking to her. I'm thinking I could use some of the same as she mentioned. Later... that happens.

I'm in the kitchen, jacket still on, and again that jacket comment resurfaces. Now, I'm really drunk and I have a response.

"Yeah, it's big. It's so I can fit you inside of it as well". I open it up, arms outstretched in a welcoming manner. She comes close, wraps her arms around me... and believe it or not, but the jacket reaches around the both of us, and I can even get the zipper closed a little. Not much, maybe an inch. We're very close now, face to face... so I move in for the kill. I'm looking to cash in on some of that random, carefree making out she wanted.

Why choose my cousin's best friend? I mean, really. I have no interest in this girl... I don't even find her very attractive. I don't really like the fact that the few times I've seen her she's been a little too wasted to present herself in a decent manner. But, she was there - ready and willing, and I needed someone/anyone to take my mind off The One for a while.

I felt sorry for cousin Ellie, because now she not only had to worry about her young sister making out with some guy... now I was foolin' around with her best friend as well - right in front of her. It wouldn't matter, except for the fact she knows about me being in love with someone else... so surely she understood that my intentions with her friend were less than noble.

I spoke to Ellie the morning after, and initiated the discussion about Aimee and that guy she was with. Can you believe it?

"Who's talking", she says. "What about you and my best friend? Care to comment on that?". She's not angry... just busting my balls about it.

All in all... it was a great party, well worthy of the terrible hang-over I suffered yesterday. There were girls, lots of beer, good music, broken glass windows**, and many laughs.

I remember another strange conversation that took place in the kitchen (for some reason I found myself hanging out in the kitchen most of the night). Another of Ellie's friends were on the phone with some friend of hers who lives in the same city as I.

"You gotta meet this guy... Yeah, you'd like him. He reminds me a lot of Benny". Laughter. "He's got that same sick sense of humor. He's really goofy".

"Hey...", I'm trying to get her attention. "I'm not goofy".

She looks over to me. Then speaks to the phone.

"He's standing here next to me. 'I'm not goofy', he says". There's more laughter.

"She hot?", I ask pointing my finger at the phone. "How old?"

"He wants to know if you're hot". I'm still being ignored in their conversation. But it's about me, and they're laughing.

"She's a bartender over at This Place. She's 25".

That's the first thing I'm being let in on. And, that's all I need. This Place is one of the most popular spots in the city I live, and I am yet to see a female bartender at that place who isn't above average looking.

"Give me the phone", I say reaching for it.

"Do you wanna talk to him?". She nods, and hands me the phone. I take it.

"Hi there, good looking. Why aren't you here with me?", I speak into the phone. Mind you... I have absolutely no idea who I'm talking to here.

"I don't know", she laughs.

"So, what you been up to tonight?", I ask.

"Been at This Place with some friends. Not working tonight, and I got bored. I'm on my way home now".

It was only 11:30ish at the time. Sounds like a responsible good girl to me, going home to bed early on a Saturday night.

"Wish I could join you... We should get together some time".

Again she's laughing. "Maybe we should".

"I'll have your friend here set it up for us".

Her friend is still listening in, having a good laugh herself.

"Ok... I'll give her back to you now. You go get yourself a good nights sleep, and dream about me ok?".

"Yes, I will. I'll dream sweet dreams about you".

I hand the phone back to her friend... and resume to randomly, carefreely make out with my cousins best friend.

We'll see if that getting together will ever materialize... it could be fun.

* Names used in this story are not their rightful names. But, if I blog about them again in the future, these are the names I'll be using.

**The broken window was the result of two guys showing off how strong they were, pushing each other back and forth, during which one of the guys went through the window... it was that kind of party. No injuries though... but some cleaning up to do. And bills to pay, seeing as the place was rented.

--------------------------

So, the Red Sox are World Champions. Congratulations.

I was trying to watch the deciding game last night, but being hung over made me sleep through most of it. I woke up in time to see Atkins' 2-run homer which made things interesting in the bottom 8th.

Next time I opened my eyes, celebrations were on-going. I had fallen asleep again, missing that moment when the game ends and the players go crazy... That moment I love to see.

Oh, well. Next year I'll be fully awake as the Braves are going to win it. Yes, they are!

Oh, My... I'm such an idiot!

Ok. I think it's official. If not, I'm making it so. Right here, right now. I am a complete moron...

So, she calls me today. The One. I had decided on not calling her first, so as not to seem too needy or desperate. We all know the games we play (though admittedly I'm no good at them). But, she calls.

She doesn't call without reason though, she needs me to do something for her of course. Some papers left at work that she needs. She also tells me she might come by our store later if she can make it in time. Naturally, I'm hoping she does and I'm looking forward to it - not having seen her since Thursday last week. Feels like ages ago.

So, there I am doing my business working. Actually feeling pretty good about myself as I do, and then about half an hour before closing time I turn around having lifted some heavy boxes... and there she is. Beautiful as always... that's my first thought.

I'm breakin' one of Bottle Blonde's rules here... I'm droning on and on about a girl (but, my defense stands... she's not an ex - no, not this one). So I do apologize to her... but this one might be a good read anyway - in case you like to bask in someone's misery and stupidity.

Then... my second thought;

Who the fuck is that?

Behind her, there is some guy following her. I have not seen this person before. I doubt I'm doing a good job, but I try to slay the green monster and throw him out the window. I look back at her.

"Hey, how are things going?". My lips are stiff - my smile does not come naturally - if at all, how the heck should I know? I've got other things on my mind... that green monster isn't going do die easy today. Not with that dude around. How can she just tip-toe in here with him? Could've at least given me a warning... don't have to go stabbin' me in the heart like that.

"Good. Did you fix that thing with the computer?"

Right. I had promised her when she called earlier I'd do this work-related thing on the computer for her. I hadn't found the time to do it - busy day and all. As if I care... what about that guy you got there?

"Uh... no. Haven't had the time. I will though. Before I go home."

"I can do it myself, now that I'm here", she says and starts walking in the direction of the office. I need to go the same way, so I start to follow... and I can't stop staring at the guy that's with her. Should I punch him in the face? Maybe rip his tongue out of his mouth and tie a noose around his neck?

It's none of my business. Leave it be, mister!

She comments my shirt not being tucked into my pants.

"There are written policies about it, you know. Girls can have their shirts untucked, but guys must have them properly tucked into their pants", and she smiles... oh, my God, she smiles.

She's trying to be cute, funny and adorable - which she is. But, me and the Green Monster are not in the mood... not with that guy around.

"Yeah... there are a lot of things a girl can do that guys can't. I'm going to be a girl today."

Stop! Right! There!

Now, what kind of a moronic line is that? What on earth does it even mean? I just told her I was going to be a girl today... and I do it in front of some dickswab she's brought with her (just to show off to me?).

I scurry off between shelves, pretending to be looking for something. She doesn't follow, but continues her walk to the office.

And, so the walkie talkie we use to communicate at work starts yelling at me. Now they start selling furniture for me to take outside. The last thing I need right now is to meet customers face to face, pasting a fake smile on my face... desperately trying to make their purchase a memorable one... a fondly memorable one (making it memorable would have been no problem... "If you're not happy with my services, sir, I'd be glad to plug your butthole with a linen closet. Now, go on home and slip your wife a fat one.").

As I rid myself of the customers... no fatal mistakes made... I sit down on a crate and think things over.

Alright, R.E.H. Face the music will'ya. She's told you she doesn't love you... there's nothing you can do about it. If that fuckhead is going to make her happy, then you should be happy for her. You need to go in there and talk to her with a big fat smile on your face as if everything is just fine and dandy.

So, I pull myself together and go to the office.

She's gone. Already left. Didn't even stop by to say goodbye. Of course she noticed my reaction - and maybe he did too. Maybe he felt my desire to dismember him - maim him for life.

And that is when it hits me. And if indeed she did notice... and if indeed her brother noticed my threatening gaze... then I may very well have fucked up in a big way today.

That's correct, readers. It was only then that I realized that the guy who was with her is most likely her brother (whom I have never met). At this point I remember the fact that today is Tuesday, and on Tuesday's she goes to dance class with her brother. She had asked me to join her for dance class a couple months ago, but I suck at dancing. A while ago she started going with her brother, because I was too chicken to do it.

I sent her a message on her cell-phone, asking if she got that thing on the computer done. She hasn't responded... so indeed - she must've seen Mr. Jealousy pop out of his shell today.

Now, I have some work to do to regain her trust, I guess.

Merry (fucking) Christmas!

Today at work we started unpacking christmas stuff. I (used to) love christmas like every other kid, and I believe I still would - were it still a holiday celebrated once a year during a short period of time. Now it is being celebrated for a lengthy period of time, and by the time actual christmas arrives I am sick and tired of it.

We're not the first store to put the holiday spirit up for display. Others are already done with it, and we're supposed to have it all set up and finished by next friday - that's October 26th. More than 2 months to go until christmas arrives, and until then I will be forced to walk every day among the Santa Clauses, Raindeer, singing christmas trees, snowmen and various colorful christmas ornaments. Not to mention the everyday listening to the christmas carols joyfully playing to kids who just cannot keep their fingers off that singing christmas tree - or that singing "Santa on a Harley", or one of those multiple music boxes and their stupid little santas skating 'round and 'round... until I almost feel like bringing a sledgehammer to work some day and go berzerk on all those friggin' things, smashing them violently to itty bitty pieces laying scattered beautifully across the floor.

Like I said, I love christmas - but I hate the way it's been commercialized into nothing but a moneymaking business, and stretching the duration of its profit longer each and every year. So really, I don't need anyone telling me I'm desecrating christmas - that's not my job, it's the corporate fuckers who won't leave us alone about it for 2-3 months of the year (almost a quarter of a year nowadays to celebrate the holiday). While they make the big $, I am left earning my pennies while being subjected to X-Mas torture day in, day out - and once christmas finally does arrive... I don't want any part of it anymore.** How am I to feel jolly listening to "jingle bells" with my family when I've heard the stupid song umpteen times over the last couple of months.

"Could someone please turn that crap off, and play me some real music???"

Otherwise, work was ok today. Haven't slept much the last few nights on account of the depressing events with The One (as I will call her for reference in my blogging), so I was getting through the day running my mouth rabid, telling jokes that ranged from poor to exceptionally dense. We all had fun because of it, so mission accomplished anyway.

The One on the other hand was a sweetheart today, and despite recent events I want her more and more every day. Gave her a massage upon her own request, and it was probably more pleasurable for me than it was for her. Is she using me? Knowing I will do anything for her... Is she toying with my feelings?

I don't care. As long as it makes me feel good - I just don't care... But, maybe time will kill that feeling off just as those joyful christmas carols that I like so much start to wear me down after a month or so of constant listening to them.

-----------------------

** I have nothing against capitalism. I'm all for it in fact. I just can't stand anything or anyone that messes with my mental well being.

Heartbroken...

Well, I just finished writing a lengthy blog, which was to explain my previous post, which consisted merely of the information that something was horribly wrong, and that my life was over.

Isn't it funny how when you are drunk your life is always over as soon as things doesn't quite go your way.

This situation is quite a heartbreaking one though, and the post I just finished writing (and then decided not to post) was full of heartbroken sorrow and self pity. I did start this blog to get things off my chest, but as I read through what I had written, I realized that maybe I shouldn't post that, as it was also full of things I might regret having said once this thing blows over.

Here is the jist of it though;

I am in love with this girl at work. Been so for quite some time, and while we are good friends, she does not have the same feelings for me that I have for her. This has been a problem for the both of us, and we handle it very differently. I do believe she genuinely wants to be my friend - but how can I live with that when I yearn for her loving every single second I look at her?

We were drunk the other night, and she kind of let me know in no uncertain way that she would never ever fall in love with me. A lengthy conversation ensued, and I left heartbroken with the desire to drown myself in the river. It was a 30 minute walk home in the rain that night, all of which is alongside the river... yet I stayed on the path all the way home, letting the raindrops fall off my cheeks hiding the tears that accompanied them.

I'm not a guy who usually falls in love, so when I do - it is a big thing for me. I can fall for women left and right - wanting their bodies, their lips and even sometimes their company (without the sex). But, I don't ever fall in love. This girl got me hooked though, like no one before her - and as far as I'm concerned... she's The One.

I'm still trying to figure out what I need to do not to lose her. I'm not sure I would handle losing her very well (which is a weird thing to say, as I haven't ever really 'had' her in any other way than as a friend). I wouldn't take that walk down to the river though, but depression for me has the tendency to leave me wallowing in self pity and apathy towards the world in general.

I'm a schmuck! Why do I hold on to my love for someone who does not love me back? But, I know exactly why. Every time I see that smile of hers, I melt like an ice cream cone on a hot summers day.

Kicked in the balls... hard

My life is over. If I'm not too hung over, maybe I'll tell you why tomorrow.

Right now, I am just a drunken fool who's supposed to be at work in about 6 hours, and sleep seems the furthest thing from my mind.

Really though, where do I go from here... I had a reason to start blogging - never quite got to the point because of my usual indecisiveness - and now that point is no more.

I was worried about it before I went out tonight... almost didn't go because of it. And now, I wish I hadn't - Boy! I wish I'd stayed home tonight... like never before.