November 14, 2007

Blogging Paranoia

They're out there... the Vicinity People. Lurking around, watching me, snickering and pointing their accusing fingers at me.

They're laughing at me, making fun of me. I am what they talk about during their coffee-breaks at work... when I'm not around. If I enter the room the silence tells the story. I look at them, into their eyes, reading their minds.

Come on, you conniving little dweebs, you. Confess! You know... you talk about it behind my back, don't you? Yes, you do. You know everything, and you're having a laugh at my expense...

The Vicinity People. They are the people I work with, they are who I believe to be my friends, they are my family, my neighbors, the people in the bars I frequent, the cashier at the grocery store, the hunks and the bend-over babes at the gym. They all know! That random dude I passed walking down the street - I saw that look you gave me! You too! You know!

I didn't take proper precautions. I didn't hide well enough. There's no place to hide now. I'm out there, bare naked in the streets, my inner emotions and feelings dangling in plain view for all to see. I wasn't thinking clearly... I must be insane!

I've locked my door, shut the blinds on my windows, dimmed the lights and I've been hiding in my chair by the gloom of my monitor. The words comfort me, soothe me. I need to get it all out of my system, because The Vicinity People wouldn't listen. They wouldn't care. But, I didn't take proper precautions... did I?

I put my picture out there. The Vicinity People will recognize me. They'll be browsing the cyber-world, stalking it the way people do, and they'll stumble across a picture of me. They will think: Hey... Isn't that? Hell yeah, it is. And they will read my blog, dissect it, analyze every single word I've put out there. If ever they doubted it was me on that picture they will know it is me from the stories they read. And they will know... far more than I ever wanted them to know.

I can't write about everything... I must stop. I must hide. I shall write nothing about me - I must not write anything personal ever again... because they will know. The Vicinity People - they will know. And they will tell each other, and they will talk about me, behind my back. They will snicker and I see them already, pointing their fingers at me when they don't think I notice. They'll be whispering into each other's ears, gossiping about what I wrote the other day...

"Did you hear? He was making out with some chick the other night. He wrote about it."

"Yeah, I know. And, I know who it was too. He didn't say her name, but I know who it was just the same. You'll never believe who it was!"

"Oh, tell me. Tell me, please. I need to know."

And now one of Them. One of the Vicinity People has become the victim of my sins too. One of them has now become one of the Outcast People. They will talk about the people I care about, the people I was supposed to protect while writing about them on the internet. I don't name them by their rightful names, I don't post their picture - I never will. But, the Vicinity People will read between the lines. They will understand by the context of my blogs who I'm talking about. And they will know things about them too, things the Outcast People don't want anyone to know. It was our secret, not a thing the world should know about. But I told... fucking tattletale me, I told... Forgive me, friend, for I have failed you.

If The One reads these pages... she'll know. No doubt. She'll know it is her I'm writing about. And, she'll hate me for it. She would hide in a dark alley, waiting for me to walk by. She'll have gathered all of the Vicinity People... and they'll jump out when I walk by. They will beat me to the ground and continue to kick me in the head, and then drag my lifeless body and throw me in a dumpster. They'll put a sign around my neck: "Traitor!" I have failed them too. They never asked to have their stories told to the world. It was me... my own selfish me. I entered the virtual world and told you my story, because I wanted to be loved, because I wanted confirmation that I was right all the time. They were just victims for being part of my Vicinity World. So, welcome to my demise... it was the blogging that killed me. The Vicinity People will find me and they will put an end to my misery. The epitaph on my gravestone will read:

HERE LIES R.E.H.
LOVED BY THE VIRTUAL PEOPLE
MURDERED BY THE VICINITY PEOPLE

I need you. The Virtual People. You may not be real, you may not think that I am real, but I need you. I need you to make me laugh with your funny comments. I need you to comfort me with your encouraging words, I need your hugs, your kisses. Make love to me... Hell! Strip your clothes off! Let me cyber-fuck your brains out!... Oh, I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

I need this. My virtual world. My hiding place. The place where I can pour my heart out to the Virtual People, so you can make me feel good again... make me feel whole. I need this rock to crawl under, to escape from the Vicinity World and the Vicinity People and all the evil that comes knocking on my door. I have the fucking right to speak my mind... this is a free world! We have freedom of speech! I shall not succumb to your threats, evil ones! I shall prevail! God bless America!!!

Psst...

Hey!

I have one thing to tell you. One GOD.DAMNED.THING!

To you! The Vicinity People. That's right. This is for you:

FUCK YOU! FUCK OFF! PISS YOURSELVES! I will write whatever I damn well please... this is my blog, this is my Virtual World and these are my Virtual People! So stay away, Vicinity People. Stay away from this world... I love you, you know that. I love you with all of my heart, but this is a dangerous place for you to be... so stay away. Please. This is only for me... As long as we are clear on that...

I pray... I pray that the Vicinity People are not here. That they are not lurking around, reading my blog in secrecy... they would know too much, they would snicker, they would point their accusing fingers at me behind my back and they would talk about me. They would laugh at me... mock me, make fun of me... shun me when I wish to speak to them... alienate me, disown me and loathe my very presence in the room. I HATE YOU ALL!

I need you. The Vicinity People. I need you out there in the Vicinity World, where I can look into your eyes, where I can smell you, hear you talk to me, your voices and where I can feel your presence. I need you where I can shake your hands, hug you, kiss you. Where I can make love to you... Hell! Strip, bitch! I'll just fuck you right here and now!... Oh, I'm sorry. That, too, was uncalled for.

I need you to stay away from my Virtual World. This is my place... this is where I hide and where I say and do the things you wouldn't understand. I'm alright, though. Don't think otherwise... I am alright. As long as you are not here with me, in my Virtual World. And, as long as you are there with me, in my Vicinity World. Then I am perfectly alright... and perfectly sane.

Mommy?

Is that you?

Please, put pennies on my eyes. And... and put me to sleep.

Mommy? Is that really you?

23 comments:

butterfly girl said...

I... uh...

Well you see... um...

What are we supposed to say to that!? *L*

I get it, in a scary kind of way dude.

Kell said...

Well, hells bells.

The scariest part of having a blog is when you find out that people you know are actually reading your blog. Then you censor everything you write and you end up writing for other people rather than for yourself, which is why you started the damn blog in the first place.

So, she found out about the blog, huh. You're right--we wouldn't have guessed that. Sorry.

But I got a great laugh out of your post. I'm laughing with you, though, with you.

Love,
One of the Virtual People

Emmeline said...

That's why you don't put up pics of yourself on a blog you wish to be anonymous. That's why you don't give away too many details about your current situation. It's why I try to write about past events rather than present.

Em

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I do believe it is called:

schizophrenia

Beware virtual people will eat you while you sleep!

Samantha_K said...

So today's one of those days when you're certifiable, right?
Don't worry, you know I love you. And that should count for some small something.
Plus, online, I'm really easy. So that virtual fucking thing could totally take place. Just sayin'...

God, wouldn't my UPS man just die if he read this? Shit. Now you've got me all paranoid.

R.E.H. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
R.E.H. said...

Butterfly Girl: Well... you should say what is on your mind :)

Kind of lost it in my post today, did I?

Kell: No, she didn't find out... not to my knowledge anyway. I chose to post this "story" today to visualize the reasons I have found it a little hard to tell you people what is going on right now. This is to reflect on my fears of that actually happening. In reality, no one I know has been acting weird around me :)

Emmeline: Yeah. That is one of the things I regret since I started this blog. I started out thinking I would be all anonymous and stuff, but ended up using a profile pic that wasn't as secret as I meant for it to be. Then I've posted some more in my blogs... I really sometimes wish I hadn't...

Preposterous Ponderings: No! Please, No! Virtual People are good to me, Virtual People are my safe haven in an evil world, filled with Vicinity People laughing, snickering, talking about me behind my back. Pointing their fingers at me...

Samantha K: You're love means the world to me, Samantha. You know that.

I got my virtual bed all made up for you... come join me...

fiwa said...

Whoa...
Thanks for commenting on my blog. This was a tiny bit intense for a first kiss, but I actually know exactly what you mean. The blog world is my playground and everything else in the real world needs be kept separate. Otherwise I will implode.

Jay said...

Dude .. the thought of somebody "discovering" your blog can be a bit scary. Mine isn't exactly anonymous. I have pictures of me all over it. I mention the town I live in several times.

But, nobody I know has come across my blog. Somebody I went to high school with did wander by my MYSPACE page though. And from there she can come to my blog cause it's linked over there.

Oh well, once your discovered it no longer bothers you. Seriously, it's not so bad. LOL ;-)

Beautifully Profound said...

Fuck em! If they can't handle your feelings then they can go to hell. Is there anything you say on your blog that you wouldn't say to someones face? Anyways, don't worry too much. It's your call you can open up as much as you want to on your blog. It's YOUR BLOG.

Thanks for drooling all over my food REH. Much appreciated. It's quite the bacheloresque recipe. You should try it! Easy Peasy.

Loving Annie said...

Hello to you from vacation in Mexico, R.E.H. !

You summarized the opposite ends of the spectrum with blogging quite well ! Very true !

Loving Annie

R.E.H. said...

Fiwa: And thank you for commenting on mine.

My kisses are always intense ;) Didn't mean to shock you like that... good thing you actually understood, though.

Jay: Oh, I think it would be bad for me, Jay. Seriously... I think at times I have become a little too personal for me to feel comfortable if the... Vicinity People knew :)

Beautifully Profound: Yes, there are things I wouldn't feel comfortable telling to their faces. I mean, if I love someone (aka The One) I can tell her that. If I dislike someone... sure I'll tell'em that to their face...

But. If I was sitting alone at home one night crying rivers over The One that might be something I'd be comfortable telling to you people... but surely wouldn't want the people I know to know... see what I mean?

Loving Annie: Thank you very much for that comment, Annie. And thank you for visiting my Virtual World.

Hope your having a great time over there in Mexico!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

This was a very entertaining read. Great vivisection into the paranoid minds of bloggers.

R.E.H. said...

Lightning Bug's Butt: Thank you very much. I am here to entertain, and I am also here to get things off my chest - and while I do the latter... I still hope to entertain.

Thanks for coming by :)

Newt said...

Um, I have some extra tin foil you can borrow. I'll even show you how to make it into a hat. Then we can hide under the desk together. That was wonderful, entertaining, and quite well written.

R.E.H. said...

Newt: Tin foil? Will that protect me from the Vicinity People? Will they not find me here in this Virtual World should I wear a tin foil hat?

Thank you for those nice words.

Guilty Secret said...

Just catching up here... I feel exactly the same. The fear that my blog will get discovered by someone in my real world is HUGE. I think about it all the time. It would be TERRIBLE.

But, it's not enough to make me stop... now I've started, I can't stop. I NEED it. I need my virtual people, my blogging friends.

REH, I understand.

R.E.H. said...

Thanks for understanding. I believe you may have been hiding better than me, by not having pictures and stuff of yourself. Still, your situation is unique enough, that someone who reads it might figure it out anyway.

But, the internet world and the world of blogging is so big, it surely must compare to the chances of running into specific person on the streets of Manhattan during rush-hour.

~Angela~ said...

You have no idea how many times I've thought these same paranoid thoughts. Like the day I realized that an IP address from my office had read my blog on a day that I hadn't looked at it at work two hours after I'd left early that day. And then I realized that GoogleReader shows up in my counts, and that the timestamp is delayed. So it was me the whole time.

Also, any time someone stumbles onto my blog using a search term of something that I've just discussed both in blog form and in real life, I freak out. Like yesterday, when I told everyone in my workplace to vote for my list on To-Do List Blog, and then a search engine led someone to my site who searched for "Words And Phrases I Want to Use". It could be anyone... and it's almost certainly someone who knows me (because why else would they perform that search?), and I have no way of knowing whom it is.

R.E.H. said...

Exactly.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that someone may actually stumble upon my blog.

Still trying to find a balance between what I need to write about, and what other people would find out about me should they read it... It's complicated.

Right now, as of this here post, I have pretty much decided this is all for myself, and if someone does come upon it... well, I'd have to deal with that then...

Farmer*swife said...

Gosh, it is totally awfull. When I first began bloggie world it was because a dear friend was doing the "365 pics in a life" thing.

So she sent me an invite...I was in awe. (But had only had high speed [real] internet for a couple of months. And it had all kinds of issued until we had the anntenae and all permanent at the newbie house.

So, yea? I asked my friends to read me...not all, but some of the closest.

Turns out? In some ways I gave up a "whole lottie-lottie" of freedom of speech. Cuz' I love my dearest friends, family and all? But, still? Sometimes I need to bitch about them cuz' it is all part of life.

Phewp. Oh, and now? They are following my bloggie roll. That was there for recognition of my bloggies to other bloggies. SHIT fire. What to do about that!

I'm starting to feel like "em".

Farmer*swife said...

Okay, gotta' fill in the missing ")" and you don't need me to re-edit the rest of it.

But, I didnt' realize...where this would take me when I found my way here.

I get very compulsive about things...obsessivly (people think I joke which I do to cover it up -- but, my real friends know me...DH thinks I pretend...)

So, my joy level at "look what I did" overwhelmed me before I got really into the whole blog thing.

Then when they finally showed interest? I realized I don't want them reading me.

And, they don't just read. They follow me...into bloggie world. 'Cept for my BFF...I'm feeling...somewhat inhibited.

The only good thing is that some of them find the rest of my bloggie pals "strange" upon the blog of the day they click on.

So, do I now have to take down my bloggie roll town? Phewp.

Farmer*swife said...

3) I'll take advice. You're more bloggie experienced than I.

I have to like "explain" my bloggie connection to you..and other bloggies I don't know personally.

Cuz' I typically am a fearing person of sharing on cyber-space. This whole thing started out as, I guess, a test that I could do it too.

I don't want an alter ego blog...I don't want to fall-into what "em" did. Yet, I understood her, totally

Kay. Not a late night stalker (okay, maybe just a little). Just waiting out the snore factor.

And, you know what I mean...and all.