October 6, 2007

Losing my virginity...

Remember that? That first time you were intimate with another person in that special way? That is how I feel right now. The anticipation, the nervousness, and that tingling sensation in my gut as I eagerly give myself to you - as I bare my nakedness to you in a way that it has never been bared before.

I've had the experience before, of course... all alone, sharing it with no one but me, myself and I. I've experimented with it, played around with the thought of doing it... imagining how good it would be, how wonderfully relieving. Envisioning how good I would be - how in control I would be, and how you could not get enough of me. Picturing us together, comfortably inseparable in that bared nakedness which only full and complete trust in one another will allow. You and me, sharing our innermost secrets and desires.

So, with trembling fingers I begin... stroking the keys gently at first. Then, as I start to feel more confident my fingers move faster. Still, in the back of my mind; Am I doing this right? Is this what you want? And what do I do next?

I begin to think too much. That has always been my problem. My mind wanders off, taking me places I don't necessarily want to go... I am not as good as I thought I'd be, am I? I'm not talking about sexual intercourse here - I'm talking about blogging. About sharing those wandering thoughts with others in a therapeutic effort to ease my maniacal ponderings about life in general.

So, this is our first time. We're exploring unknown territories together. Maybe you have more experience than I do, but it's never been you and me before - so this is new to you too. Neither one of us know what to expect, nor do we know where this will lead us once that first awkward attempt is over and done with. I will do my best, I promise, to fulfill you. I will put in an effort so that you will come back to me again and again, just to see what I can do for you this time. But, bear with me - I've only done this in my fantasies before.

I have nothing to say. Not in this first blog.

See. That's what I'm talking about. There's so much I want to say and do, but now that we are together for the first time, I'm just not able to bring it on the way I thought I would. Why is that? Is it the low self esteem issues again? The over analyzing that I tend to do, making me look back over what I previously wrote to check again and again if the words are worthy of placement in this block of text?

I wanted to tell you about my (virtually non-existent) love life. I wanted to share with you the unfulfillment I feel at work, and the desire to do better things in life - more important things. I wanted to touch upon subjects rarely spoken freely of, and in this way help myself figure a thing or two out. Those things that I keep thinking about. Maybe I could help you, and you could help me - because surely I am not the only one with the types of problems I have. I mean, my issues are my own - but yours may be similar in nature, and you may face the same unanswered questions. The mother of them all being; Am I just not as worthy as the next guy?

Sounds depressing doesn't it? Yes, it does - and it is. But, many of us do feel that way. Many of us suffer a lack of self confidence. I believe many of us feel we have so much to offer, but are unable in one way or the other to find a recipient for what we believe we have to give. Or maybe we just don't know how to deliver it.

The blog I am offering you, is not going to be like that. I am not really a depressing character myself - rather a fun-loving, easy-going guy with a tendency to let my mind wander off in deep thoughts about what is right and what is wrong. About why people act and behave the way they do, and why is our world becoming what it's becoming? Often these things are in relation to what's happening to me, in my life. So, instead of just sitting around thinking about it all by myself - this is an effort to share these thoughts with others and hope that you too can find comfort in my words. That you and me together can maybe find an answer or two to some of those questions.

You may not care one bit about my personal problems, or joys for that matter. I don't care if you do or don't either. What I care about is that you find my words to be a good read, and that I can entertain you or make you think about things you never thought about before. I want to discuss my individual blogs with you the reader. I want you to tell me if it's just me, or do you recognize a little of yourself in what I say. There are times when my thoughts border on paranoia. At times they may just be plain stupid. Sometimes trivial - sometimes perhaps revolutionary. Now and then, I will feel like I'm on to something, other times I'll feel completely lost without an inkling of an idea where to go or what to do. So tell me, am I crazy... am I just a rambling madman?

While this blog is about nothing, there is nothing for us to discuss. This was our first time together, so now you have an idea of what to expect. I didn't deliver like I thought I would, I wasn't in control like I thought I would be nor did it last as long as I wanted it to... but Gosh! Darn! have I been longing for this day. I have finally lost my [blogging] virginity!

Was it as good for you, as it was for me?


Samantha_K said...

Whew, you had me getting hot there for the first few paragraphs!

R.E.H. said...

Always a pleasure, Samantha. Anytime... :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for visiting my site. I came to check out yours, and I must say, I love this first post! I will definitely be coming back for more. Congrats on losing your virginity by the way. :)


Anonymous said...

I know this is a old post, but the title just got me a little curious and WOW! You had me going there also!! WHEW!! Thank G-D I am still a "V" I would've had to go out and get me some if I had not completly read the whole Blog!!! LOL

I like your style of writing!

Still Single.. I found your blog from Mikes Page, I will be back

Farmer*swife said...

Here I am again...in your archives. Great read...so relate.

We are in different places in our lives. But, you so write what I often have thought.

Lator Gator.