Responsive Ramblings

That whole post about me being laid off from work really caught fire (pun certainly intended), and brought up quite a few more thoughts than those related to my work and financial situation.

I thought I should adress some of these questions and ponderings in a post today - since I'm way too tired to do anything really creative. I've been working my butt off the last couple of day... wondering why I even bother. But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. Lets divide this into a couple of sub-categories, to keep me from rambling incoherently, and leaving you all frustrated with little to no understanding of what you've been reading... Yeah, I'm that tired today!

The whole Sweden thing:
One thing that really (surprisingly enough) caught on in the comments on that post was the fact that I reside in that small European country called Sweden. I thought Y'all knew about that by now.

Initially - when I started this blog - I had no intention of letting people know where I lived. That has proven to be difficult to hide. It all started when I was writing the Introduction to Rubicon Heart, where I realized I needed to tell of how we moved to another country when my mother and father got divorced. It was even long before that that I sometimes felt it was difficult to write what I wanted to say. One example would be the story of when I groped that chick on an airplane. Well, now that you know I was living way over here - it makes it easier to understand why a 16 year old kid would take an eight hour flight to visit his father... right?

Anyway. Another reason I've decided to let you all in on this little "secret", is because I feel it will be easier with that out there, and of course, make me feel like I am fully honest with you all, as I've always intended to be.

But, lets clarify some more.

I was born and raised American. At six, my mother divorced my father, and moved back to her home country - Sweden - bringing me along. I didn't see my father for seven years after that. I barely heard from him. But, as I hit my pre-teen years we started to get in touch again, as he had gotten his life back on track. I've been going back and forth between Sweden and the US ever since.

It is quite possible I may return to America in the not so distant future.

The Relief:
Having had some time to reflect upon losing my job, after the initial shock, I've come to the conclusion that it really is for the best. I mean, you have all heard me complaining about the Hell Hole I work at.

Another reason to feel relieved at being laid off presented itself the day after I received the news. This coming week is my "slow" week. Always has been - the week when I work Tuesday, Thursday and the weekend only. So, I decided to look on the schedule to see which time I needed to come in on Tuesday... the time I start varies from 8AM to 10PM. Much to my surprise I notice that I am scheduled to work on Monday.

What the hell? I haven't worked a monday in a year at the place. Monday's are my day off! Now, apparently, I'm due in at 1PM til 7:30PM - what kind of idiot hours to work are those? On Tuesday I work 2PM til 7:30PM, and it goes on. Now that slow week leaves only Wednesday off, and instead I start working afternoons til closing every fucking day. Hell no! I'm not doing those hours... the whole day is ruined working those hours. I need my days off!

Maybe they are just trying to piss me off the last couple of months. Well, I've got news for them - I was pissed off long before they started messing with my schedule!

The financial side of things:
This is what worries me. I've got to pay rent - and I've got payments on my brand new car. Add to that regular living costs, such as phone, television, my internet connection, food, drink (BEER!) and the occasional hooker... oh, sorry (!!!) - I mean; martini for the pretty lady at the bar, so she will agree to come home with me and let me... STOP IT!

Really. As it is, I barely make ends meet every month. Too often I am forced to dip into my savings account, and there is nothing worse than watching my savings decrease. I simply need to find a job that will prevent me from falling into poverty.

That is not as easy as it sounds... not over here. Unemployment is one of the biggest problems in this country. And, to pour salt into my gaping wound, as I listened to the radio the morning after I was laid off, the news predict a higher unemployment rate during 2008. Could they not have waited a couple of days before bringing me that information?

The Future:
This is the thing that I will probably be thinking really hard about for the next few weeks or months.

If it was all up to me. If I didn't have to take other people into account, I know exactly what I would do. I would go back to the States and persue that career in the movies that I've wanted since I was a little kid.

I mentioned it to one of my co-workers today.

"I've been thinking maybe I should just move back to the States and take a shot at Hollywood."

"That's what you HAVE to do!", she says. "I don't understand why you haven't done so a long time ago. You clearly don't belong here."

"Yeah, I know. It's not easy... you know - it's not like were 20 any longer"

"What? You don't have a wife and kids or anything. You can just go. If I wasn't married and didn't have kids I would be gone tomorrow!"

"There really isn't anything keeping me here, is there?"

And, while I pondered that. Yes - there is the thing about my mother. I know that life for her would be so much worse without me around. She's not a young gal, and she needs help with a lot of things... She also suffers from massive depression, and anxiety attacks. It would be horrible for her if I decided to move that far away.

But, I need to think about my own happiness too. I don't feel like I DO belong here. Not only do I not belong in a furniture store... I don't really belong in this country. Never really have - not in my heart.

But... if I do return. Where do I go? My father is no longer around, so there's really no reason to move back to Florida - except for the fact that I love it down there, and the fact there is a house available for me there. Having a place to live means a lot. Yeah - Florida would be my first choice if only considering where I want to spend my days.

Connecticut is where I still have family... but I'm not looking to move back there - I hate the winter, remember? Still, it would be nice to be close to family that I've not ever really had the chance to really get together with.

California... Hollywood. So... cliché! And, I've never set foot on the west coast in my life. But - still, that would be the place to go if I am really serious about giving a theatrical career a shot. And... imagine how this blog would change should I embark on that adventure. Honestly... that too sounds quite appealing to me ;) "Adventures of a Rambling Madman on Hollywood Boulevard".

There is yet another option. There is this baseball simulation that I've wanted to make. A computer game that has been neglected ever since I started blogging. Programming a game all alone is really hard work... but I believe I could make it a good one. What if I took time off from working and tried to finish that thing off? How much could I make from selling that? Enough to make it all worth while?

And, of course. I could write a novel or some movie scripts, and hope to sell or publish those.

So much going on in my head the last few days... and I still don't know what my decision will be. Still - I don't really need to make any decision just yet. I've got a couple of months still...

One thing is certain though... it's time for CHANGE!