"3rd" - February 2008

Today is the 3rd of March. That means that I will present my monthly feature which goes by the appropriate name of “3rd”. This is where in three sections I will 1) Give my thanks to the people who comment on my blog, and give out the Commenter of the Month award to the person with the most comments over the past month, and 2) Take a look at the search terms that brought people to my blog, as well as 3) The ever popular “Commenter Story of the Month”, in which I use one select sentence from all of your blog posts to create a fictional story.

This post is always a lot of work, but I am thoroughly enjoying it so far.

To add to the fascination of the number three this is also the third time I do this thing. And, it happens on the third month of the year!

In honor of that I have decided to add another song to my new Playlist on the sidebar. What could possibly have been a better choice than the song “Three Days” by Jane’s Addiction. It may not be a song that really represents my musical tastes, but I was a big Jane’s Addiction fan back in the late 80’s and early 90’s – and this song was one of my favorites by them. It is another one of those 10 minute epic songs… I guess you can figure by now that I like long “epic” songs a lot. Songs in which there is a lot going on… I can’t stand monotonous and repetitive songs – I want there to be things going on, keeping me wanting to listen. There is a drum section in this one that I really, really like – right after the longish guitar solo. I don’t know what kind of drums he’s pounding on there, but they have this metallic sound that makes me want to pound away on those like crazy for a while.

Listen to it… it’s a good song!

Oh, as a side note – I just made a minor change to the look of the PFC Archives – adding the titles of the short stories you all wrote.

Now, let’s get on with what we are here to do!

ONE: COMMENTER OF THE MONTH

We have a new champion commenter for the month of February! Leighann commented an impressive 55 times during the month to win the award. Farmer’s Wife sure put up a good fight, and finished 2nd with 52 comments. Reigning champion Tequila Mockingbird was soundly beaten this time, but still managed to grab the 3rd place with her 35 comments.

Below, is a list of ALL commenters during the month of February 2008.

WINNER: Leighann (55)
2nd Place: Farmer's Wife (52)
3rd Place: Tequila Mockingbird (35)

4th Place: Jill (34)
5th Place: Emmeline (28)
6th Place: Jay (26)
7th Place: Dana (25)
8th Place: Single In The City (24)
9th Place: Dianne, Knight, Sparkling Red (23)
10th Place: Jay Cam, Jo (21)

11th Place: TT (20)
12th Place: Guilty Secret, Karen (18)
13th Place: Casdok, Lakota Princess, Unsigned (15)
14th Place: Jen (14)
15th Place: Tink (12)
16th Place: Beautifully Profound, Liv (11)
17th Place: Elle, G-Man, HoosierGirl5 (10)
18th Place: No More Empty Fortune Cookies, Pookie Sixx (9)
19th Place: Joel, Newt (8)
20th Place: Aunt Jackie (7)
21st Place: Cardiogirl, Flutter, Jahooni, Preposterous Ponderings (6)

Never picked up the phone when Mystery Man called:

22nd Place: ~Angela~, Fiwa (5)
23rd Place: Anndi, Mary P. Jones, Melissa, Real Live Lesbian (4)
24th Place: Alli, Butterfly Girl, RockDog (3)

25th Place: Backpacker Momma, Blogget Jones, Freakazojd, Fu Manchu Dad, Ginni Dee, Jay, Kell, Lightning Bug's Butt, Maggie, Nicole, Odd Facts, TK Kerouac (2)

26th Place: Amy, Fooped, Gawilli, Loving Annie, Mike, Raven, Samantha K, Scarlett, Storyteller (1)

TWO: KEYWORDS OF THE MONTH

Time to take a look at the search terms that were used on Google and other search engines that brought people to my blog.

Top Searches: "scare tactics"
This month seems to have been a month in which people wanted to scare the bejeezus out of people, as the most popular search term lead them to my Scare Tactics Funday Sunday a while back ago.

Funny Searches:
“2008 email addresses of big fat ladies with big boobs for penpals” - Yeah, you really need that many?
“a day in a life of a game addict” – Now where’s my copy of GTAIII?
“can one write a true story and call it fiction?” – Not really. If it’s true – it’s not fiction (thought I’d help this person out)
“come with me we'll take a ride back in time” – Alright, when do we leave?
“fat girl in a sauna” – Ok...
“fat tuesday flasher photos” – Uhm… are you supposed to flash yourself on Fat Tuesday? What am I missing here?
“fondle japanese stewardess” – Yes, please ;)
“girls fuck multan” – Who’s Multan? I had to do a search on the internet, and all I could find was that Multan was a city in Pakistan… now, how would a girl go about having sexual intercourse with a city itself?
“how to insert a bottle up your anus” – Uh… what? For dummies?
“i want to fuck my mother” – Now that one’s just plain disturbing!!! Forget the cousin make-out searches… how the hell did someone land on MY BLOG using this search term?
“i'll gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you” – Hehe… must have been looking for my “Full Metal Jacket” post…
“if u want to go and take a ride with me pass me the money” – Hey! You the same one who offered time travel? You didn’t say nuttin’ bout no money!
“kick in girl balls hot” – I can’t seem to put these words together coherently… girls have no balls, being kicked in the balls may cause a sensation of hot down there – painful hot… what does this sentence mean?
“kicked in the balls by a diva” – Hey, Jen! You gotta stop kicking guys in the nuts, you hear! ;)
“leighann without sound” – Leighann… I haven’t heard your voice, but is it really that bad? Or do you just talk too much ;)
“losing my virginity sex big” – Now I can see why someone would search for topics on losing their virginity… the part that cracks me up here is the final word – BIG. Oh, my gosh! Hehe…
“picture of a mad man in a plane” – I don’t recall ever having my picture taken while on a plane.
“sauna gi joe” – Yeah! Bring G.I. Joe into the sauna!
“sit down wooden sauna with face out” – Be sure to have your face out when in the sauna!

Rectal Bottle Insertion related searches:
It is still a very popular thing to search for variations of the theme “bottle up the bum” – here are a few of my favorites of the month.
“coca cola anus shoved”, “coke bottle inserted up the ass”, “glass bottle anus pakistan”, "pepsi bottle in anus", "pepsi bottle in girls ass" - What is our world coming to?

Personal Favorite of the Month:
“psychology of nun porn” – Now… I can see that there may be a few people out there with a nun fetish. But, to understand the psychology of nun porn? I mean, really… this one cracked me up for quite some time when I read that line…


THREE: COMMENTER STORY OF THE MONTH

If I may say so myself, I think this is my best effort yet in compiling a story out of all your sentences. Lets look at the rules of this little "excersise" (or just skip that part and read the story).

Monthly Commenter Story
The monthly commenter story is a fictional story that I will write and post on the 3rd of each month. This story is composed of all the people who have left at least three comments on my blog over the past month. Credit goes to RockDog for inspiring this idea.

RULES (may change slightly each month):
Every person who have commented on my blog at least 6 times during the past month will be included in a fictional story, written by yours truly - R.E.H.

I will go to these people's blogs and copy a single sentence from their final post of the month. It will always be the 9th sentence of that post. If the post has fewer than 9 sentences, I will use sentence number 6, if fewer than that - sentence number 3. If the post were to have less than three sentences – I will take the sentence from the second last post of the month.

The Commenter of the Month will have sentences from the last 3 posts included in my story.

Runner-Up and Third Placed commenters will have sentences from their last 2 posts of the month included.

Once I've collected all your sentences, these will be incorporated into a fictional story.

Sentences MUST be used as dialogue "out of the mouth" of that blogger, and I am not allowed to add other dialogue to that character in the story.

Every sentence MUST be used in the story. I can not skip using one, just because I can't find a good use for it.

Sentences MUST be used completely unedited, except if sentence breaking parenthesis is used, in which case I reserve the right to remove the parenthesis.

Names of the blogger will be linked to their blogs (only where dialogue follows).

If a blogger does not wish to feature in these stories from now on, they must tell me so in a comment, and I will exclude them from my story.

DISCLAIMER:
The events taking place in this story has no resemblance to reality in any form. The actions that fellow bloggers undertake in this story is in no way a reflection of their true selves. The only "real" deal here is that what the blogger says in this story, is what they have written on their blog... but it may be put way out of context of its original meaning.

Put shortly... this is for fun! I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings, or making them out to be something they are not!

********** THE STORY **********

THE MYSTERY MAN MURDER

A couple of weeks ago, I got an envelope containing a key in the mail. There was nothing else inside, no return address or anything. I had no idea who sent it, nor what door that key would open.

It wasn’t until last night, when a Mystery Man called me on my cell phone that I was reminded of the strange key.

Mystery Man: “Meet me at warehouse 505 down by the pier.”

R.E.H.: “Who are you?”

Mystery Man: “The key I sent you. It will open the door.”

*click*

The Mystery Man hung up on me. Intrigued by the call I immediately went back to my apartment, fetched the key and headed out to the pier. Outside warehouse 505 I was surprised to see Leighann, Pookie Sixx and Aunt Jackie hanging out by the door.

Pookie Sixx: "The twist is that the girl is American born."

Leighann: "We were ALL hot for Kelly Lebrock!"

R.E.H.: “Oh, I remember Kelly Lebrock. I used to have such a crush on her.”

Aunt Jackie: "She'll really appreciate if you stop by and say hello."

R.E.H.: “I didn’t say I knew her… personally. Wish I had though.” I looked at them. “What are you doing here?”

They all shrugged, as if they hadn’t thought it strange that we were all outside this run-down old warehouse. I noticed Beautifully Profound hurrying towards us.

R.E.H.: “Hey! I thought you were moving to Australia?”

Beautifully Profound: "Not saying that moving over to Australia is madness, but there is lots to be done when I arrive."

R.E.H.: “I’m sure there is. I kind of envy you. I’d like to go to Australia… I’d like to travel all over the world. I’d love to go to India!”

Joel appears around the corner. Dianne is right behind him. More famous bloggers are starting to show up – all headed for warehouse 505.

Joel: "A pop quiz; Do write/type in a word or two about what comes in your mind when you think the word 'India'?"

R.E.H.: “Elephants! That’s what I think of when I hear India. I remember this circus I went to as a kid where you could ride an elephant… Persie – I remember that was the elephant’s name. I was always too scared to ride him though.”

Dianne: "I’d perch on the edge of Persie and throw my arms up in the air as we went around faster and faster."

As more and more of my favorite bloggers started to arrive, I was becoming increasingly curious as to what was going on. I began explaining about the key and the phone call.

R.E.H.: “So I went over here after I got that strange call from this Mystery Man. But, why are all of you here too? Did you all get a call from him also?”

Farmer's Wife: "While pleasantly enjoying my peace and quiet the phone rings."

Leighann: "The husband was online reading emails."

Single In The City: "Well he called to let me know that he misses me, and we need to get back "together"."

R.E.H.: “Do you know him? Do you know who Mystery Man is?”

She shrugs.

Cardiogirl tells a similar story of the phonecall, and had told Mr. C that she would be headed out here to check it out.

Cardiogirl: "Mr. C laughed with surprise and amusement in his voice."

R.E.H.: “Alright. Now that we’re all here, lets go inside and see who this Mystery Man is then, shall we?”

I used the key to unlock the door to the warehouse, and we all followed suit inside. It appeared mostly empty, except for a desk in the center with a laptop sitting on top of it.

R.E.H.: “Not much in here… do you all see anything?”

Newt: "At most there might be a picture of a kid and a coffee mug."

And, that’s when we all saw it. On the floor, next to the desk was our Mystery Man. There was a pool of blood around him, and clearly the man was dead.

Jen: "My tummy is full of bubbly and not the good kind."

Jahooni: "Kinda."

We all stood in shock, looking at the dead body on the floor.

Guilty Secret: "Not to make February even more special;"

R.E.H.: “Well, this is a great way to end the month.”

Behind us, we hear the door to the warehouse open again, and as I turned around to see who it was I was both relieved and quite nervous as I noticed it was Detective Matthews and a couple of crime scene investigators. Oh, my God – we were all going to be suspects of committing homicide!

The girls were all looking at Detective Matthews, almost drooling. He was a very well known detective in Blogville, and all the girls were hot for him.

Leighann: "So here are your Friday Goodies."

Flutter: "In that dream."

Liv quickly adjusts her shoulder straps, and straightens up.

Liv: "The number of times i have wondered what to wear tonight."

Dana: "He's got the approval of a drunk senator, a woman who claims she's in touch with "the people," although she'd have no idea where to find the nearest WalMart and could never put dinner on the table for a family of 5 using only rice, kidney beans and cream of mushroom soup, and most recently, the full support of a man who is more racist than David Duke."

As all the girls are dreaming about the sexy Detective Matthews, Jay is pondering the obvious desire for him they all seem to share.

Jay: "Now, let’s be honest unless there is a decent amount of money or a new car or a really cool, high paying job that doesn’t require me to do much of anything involved I’m probably not going to have sex with a man."

Tequila Mockingbird: "If they were super hot, that would be entirely acceptable."

Detective Matthews stops in front of us all, and puts down a briefcase. He’s looking us over, looking less than amused. Then he looks over to the body, and tells his investigative team to start processing the crime scene. He turns to Jill, giving her a stern look.

Detective Matthews: “Where were you this morning?”

Jill: "Visit my relatives up in that province, including one of my goddaughter."

He turns to Karen. She accounts for her morning whereabouts.

Detective Matthews: “Can your sister confirm that?”

Karen: "My sister hadn't been home from work."

Detective Matthews: “Emmeline… What’s your story?”

Emmeline: "Would you like to hear about: a) how this company I have been wanting to work for ever since I graduated has three times now "sort of" offered me a job and then changed their minds?"

Detective Matthews: “No. That is not what I want to hear! I want to know where you were this morning between the hours of 8 and 10.”

Barely audible, Jay Cam mumbles something. Detective Matthews picks up on it, and snaps at him.

Detective Matthews: “What was that?”

Jay Cam: "Ireplied"Followmetoyourmom's"."

Detective Matthews: “Are you trying to be cute? Do you think you’re funny? Care to explain what you are doing here?”

Tequila Mockingibrd: "Here's mine, no explanations are needed."

She suddenly rips her blouse open, exposing what is underneath. Detective Matthews is so surprised and impressed he doesn’t seem to know what to say. Her big boobies are supported by an odd looking bra.

Casdok: "The American Inventor, James Moreau, explains it best: “A brassiere which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast."

Detective Matthews manages to look away from Tequila Mockingbirds breasts, and surveys the room.

Detective Matthews: “I can see you lot are going to be a lot of help in this investigation.”

He notices a security camera in a corner of the warehouse. He points at No More Empty Fortune Cookies.

Detective Matthews: “You. Help set up the surveillance cam to the laptop over there. We’ll have a look at the surveillance tapes and see what really happened here.”

No More Empty Fortune Cookies: "They come with friggin' instructions, and a diagram!"

Reluctantly she proceeds to read the instructions and connects the security cam to the laptop. Detective Matthews instructs Elle to go find the surveillance tape, and about the same time the laptop is hooked up to the camera she returns with two different tapes.

Elle: "Which?"

After checking the two tapes out, Detective Matthews chooses one and loads the security cam with it. Tink sneaks up behind him and puts the other tape in her purse.

R.E.H.: “What are you doing?”

Tink: "Hoop expressed a wish to collect them."

Detective Matthews notices Tink trying to steal the tape, and promptly digs into here purse and takes out the surveillance tape.

Detective Matthews: “Do you all understand the seriousness of this situation? We’re talking about murder here. If you are found guilty of committing this crime you are facing a minimum of 5 years in prison! That’s a lot of life in the real world you’d all be missing out on.”

HoosierGirl5: "And Aaron will be 12, finishing his 6th grade year."

It suddenly seems to dawn on many of us the severity of the situation we are all in.

Detective Matthews: “Ok. Now, let’s have a look at that security tape”

We all started gathering around the laptop, trying to get a good view of the screen. TT starts pushing some people around, unhappy about the crowded feel as we all bundle up in front of the laptop.

TT: "I need all the grape room I can get."

The tape starts playing. After a few seconds of static, we see the Mystery Man walking around in the room. Apparently he’s talking on a cellphone, and we all figure he is making a call to one of us, asking us to come see him here. I started to wonder what it was that he wanted to tell us all. Why had he asked us all to come here?

A dog appears on the screen, runs up to the Mystery Man and starts humping his leg. Mystery Man tries to push the dog away.

Lakota Princess: "Animal trying to hump a human - funny."

Knight: "StumpsAround:"

Detective Matthews: “What? Is that the dog’s name? Do you know that dog?”

Then there is static for a few more seconds. Then the screen turns black – completely black. We all watch for a while, waiting for something to happen. Jo seems particularly fascinated.

Jo: "That is a dimensional black, it pulls you in, makes you feel it is bottomless."

Still there’s no change in the picture. Sparkling Red seems to be impatient.

Sparkling Red: "I recommend fast-forwarding a bit to get a sampling of the various sections."

Detective Matthews: “Hey! Who’s in charge here? You? We’re watching this thing from start to finish. This might be a long night, and not one of you are leaving here until we figure out who killed this man!”

He motions to one of the CSI’s.

Detective Matthews: “Rodney! Go out to my car and get some beers will you! This is going to be a long night.”

Rodney they CSI quickly walks outside, and returns with the beers.

CSI Rodney: “Who wants a beer?”

R.E.H.: “I’ll have a can of beer, please.”

He tosses me one.

CSI Rodney: “Who else?”

Farmer's Wife: "I will also drink beer from a can."

A few more express their desire to have a beer, and Rodney tosses a can to everyone who asks for it. G-Man looks pleased as he pops his can open, and takes a large sip out of the can.

G-Man: "All-in-all, a good night."

He raises his can and proposes a cheer. Then the blackness of the screen suddenly shows the room again. Mystery Man is standing by the desk, a shadowy figure is approaching him on screen. He seems to be screaming in fear, his mouth agape and his eyes wide with terror. There is no sound on the tape, but still it was like we could all hear that scream shattering our minds.

Preposterous Ponderings: "And maybe it's not meant to last."

…TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE…)