"3rd" - February 2008

Today is the 3rd of March. That means that I will present my monthly feature which goes by the appropriate name of “3rd”. This is where in three sections I will 1) Give my thanks to the people who comment on my blog, and give out the Commenter of the Month award to the person with the most comments over the past month, and 2) Take a look at the search terms that brought people to my blog, as well as 3) The ever popular “Commenter Story of the Month”, in which I use one select sentence from all of your blog posts to create a fictional story.

This post is always a lot of work, but I am thoroughly enjoying it so far.

To add to the fascination of the number three this is also the third time I do this thing. And, it happens on the third month of the year!

In honor of that I have decided to add another song to my new Playlist on the sidebar. What could possibly have been a better choice than the song “Three Days” by Jane’s Addiction. It may not be a song that really represents my musical tastes, but I was a big Jane’s Addiction fan back in the late 80’s and early 90’s – and this song was one of my favorites by them. It is another one of those 10 minute epic songs… I guess you can figure by now that I like long “epic” songs a lot. Songs in which there is a lot going on… I can’t stand monotonous and repetitive songs – I want there to be things going on, keeping me wanting to listen. There is a drum section in this one that I really, really like – right after the longish guitar solo. I don’t know what kind of drums he’s pounding on there, but they have this metallic sound that makes me want to pound away on those like crazy for a while.

Listen to it… it’s a good song!

Oh, as a side note – I just made a minor change to the look of the PFC Archives – adding the titles of the short stories you all wrote.

Now, let’s get on with what we are here to do!

ONE: COMMENTER OF THE MONTH

We have a new champion commenter for the month of February! Leighann commented an impressive 55 times during the month to win the award. Farmer’s Wife sure put up a good fight, and finished 2nd with 52 comments. Reigning champion Tequila Mockingbird was soundly beaten this time, but still managed to grab the 3rd place with her 35 comments.

Below, is a list of ALL commenters during the month of February 2008.

WINNER: Leighann (55)
2nd Place: Farmer's Wife (52)
3rd Place: Tequila Mockingbird (35)

4th Place: Jill (34)
5th Place: Emmeline (28)
6th Place: Jay (26)
7th Place: Dana (25)
8th Place: Single In The City (24)
9th Place: Dianne, Knight, Sparkling Red (23)
10th Place: Jay Cam, Jo (21)

11th Place: TT (20)
12th Place: Guilty Secret, Karen (18)
13th Place: Casdok, Lakota Princess, Unsigned (15)
14th Place: Jen (14)
15th Place: Tink (12)
16th Place: Beautifully Profound, Liv (11)
17th Place: Elle, G-Man, HoosierGirl5 (10)
18th Place: No More Empty Fortune Cookies, Pookie Sixx (9)
19th Place: Joel, Newt (8)
20th Place: Aunt Jackie (7)
21st Place: Cardiogirl, Flutter, Jahooni, Preposterous Ponderings (6)

Never picked up the phone when Mystery Man called:

22nd Place: ~Angela~, Fiwa (5)
23rd Place: Anndi, Mary P. Jones, Melissa, Real Live Lesbian (4)
24th Place: Alli, Butterfly Girl, RockDog (3)

25th Place: Backpacker Momma, Blogget Jones, Freakazojd, Fu Manchu Dad, Ginni Dee, Jay, Kell, Lightning Bug's Butt, Maggie, Nicole, Odd Facts, TK Kerouac (2)

26th Place: Amy, Fooped, Gawilli, Loving Annie, Mike, Raven, Samantha K, Scarlett, Storyteller (1)

TWO: KEYWORDS OF THE MONTH

Time to take a look at the search terms that were used on Google and other search engines that brought people to my blog.

Top Searches: "scare tactics"
This month seems to have been a month in which people wanted to scare the bejeezus out of people, as the most popular search term lead them to my Scare Tactics Funday Sunday a while back ago.

Funny Searches:
“2008 email addresses of big fat ladies with big boobs for penpals” - Yeah, you really need that many?
“a day in a life of a game addict” – Now where’s my copy of GTAIII?
“can one write a true story and call it fiction?” – Not really. If it’s true – it’s not fiction (thought I’d help this person out)
“come with me we'll take a ride back in time” – Alright, when do we leave?
“fat girl in a sauna” – Ok...
“fat tuesday flasher photos” – Uhm… are you supposed to flash yourself on Fat Tuesday? What am I missing here?
“fondle japanese stewardess” – Yes, please ;)
“girls fuck multan” – Who’s Multan? I had to do a search on the internet, and all I could find was that Multan was a city in Pakistan… now, how would a girl go about having sexual intercourse with a city itself?
“how to insert a bottle up your anus” – Uh… what? For dummies?
“i want to fuck my mother” – Now that one’s just plain disturbing!!! Forget the cousin make-out searches… how the hell did someone land on MY BLOG using this search term?
“i'll gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you” – Hehe… must have been looking for my “Full Metal Jacket” post…
“if u want to go and take a ride with me pass me the money” – Hey! You the same one who offered time travel? You didn’t say nuttin’ bout no money!
“kick in girl balls hot” – I can’t seem to put these words together coherently… girls have no balls, being kicked in the balls may cause a sensation of hot down there – painful hot… what does this sentence mean?
“kicked in the balls by a diva” – Hey, Jen! You gotta stop kicking guys in the nuts, you hear! ;)
“leighann without sound” – Leighann… I haven’t heard your voice, but is it really that bad? Or do you just talk too much ;)
“losing my virginity sex big” – Now I can see why someone would search for topics on losing their virginity… the part that cracks me up here is the final word – BIG. Oh, my gosh! Hehe…
“picture of a mad man in a plane” – I don’t recall ever having my picture taken while on a plane.
“sauna gi joe” – Yeah! Bring G.I. Joe into the sauna!
“sit down wooden sauna with face out” – Be sure to have your face out when in the sauna!

Rectal Bottle Insertion related searches:
It is still a very popular thing to search for variations of the theme “bottle up the bum” – here are a few of my favorites of the month.
“coca cola anus shoved”, “coke bottle inserted up the ass”, “glass bottle anus pakistan”, "pepsi bottle in anus", "pepsi bottle in girls ass" - What is our world coming to?

Personal Favorite of the Month:
“psychology of nun porn” – Now… I can see that there may be a few people out there with a nun fetish. But, to understand the psychology of nun porn? I mean, really… this one cracked me up for quite some time when I read that line…


THREE: COMMENTER STORY OF THE MONTH

If I may say so myself, I think this is my best effort yet in compiling a story out of all your sentences. Lets look at the rules of this little "excersise" (or just skip that part and read the story).

Monthly Commenter Story
The monthly commenter story is a fictional story that I will write and post on the 3rd of each month. This story is composed of all the people who have left at least three comments on my blog over the past month. Credit goes to RockDog for inspiring this idea.

RULES (may change slightly each month):
Every person who have commented on my blog at least 6 times during the past month will be included in a fictional story, written by yours truly - R.E.H.

I will go to these people's blogs and copy a single sentence from their final post of the month. It will always be the 9th sentence of that post. If the post has fewer than 9 sentences, I will use sentence number 6, if fewer than that - sentence number 3. If the post were to have less than three sentences – I will take the sentence from the second last post of the month.

The Commenter of the Month will have sentences from the last 3 posts included in my story.

Runner-Up and Third Placed commenters will have sentences from their last 2 posts of the month included.

Once I've collected all your sentences, these will be incorporated into a fictional story.

Sentences MUST be used as dialogue "out of the mouth" of that blogger, and I am not allowed to add other dialogue to that character in the story.

Every sentence MUST be used in the story. I can not skip using one, just because I can't find a good use for it.

Sentences MUST be used completely unedited, except if sentence breaking parenthesis is used, in which case I reserve the right to remove the parenthesis.

Names of the blogger will be linked to their blogs (only where dialogue follows).

If a blogger does not wish to feature in these stories from now on, they must tell me so in a comment, and I will exclude them from my story.

DISCLAIMER:
The events taking place in this story has no resemblance to reality in any form. The actions that fellow bloggers undertake in this story is in no way a reflection of their true selves. The only "real" deal here is that what the blogger says in this story, is what they have written on their blog... but it may be put way out of context of its original meaning.

Put shortly... this is for fun! I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings, or making them out to be something they are not!

********** THE STORY **********

THE MYSTERY MAN MURDER

A couple of weeks ago, I got an envelope containing a key in the mail. There was nothing else inside, no return address or anything. I had no idea who sent it, nor what door that key would open.

It wasn’t until last night, when a Mystery Man called me on my cell phone that I was reminded of the strange key.

Mystery Man: “Meet me at warehouse 505 down by the pier.”

R.E.H.: “Who are you?”

Mystery Man: “The key I sent you. It will open the door.”

*click*

The Mystery Man hung up on me. Intrigued by the call I immediately went back to my apartment, fetched the key and headed out to the pier. Outside warehouse 505 I was surprised to see Leighann, Pookie Sixx and Aunt Jackie hanging out by the door.

Pookie Sixx: "The twist is that the girl is American born."

Leighann: "We were ALL hot for Kelly Lebrock!"

R.E.H.: “Oh, I remember Kelly Lebrock. I used to have such a crush on her.”

Aunt Jackie: "She'll really appreciate if you stop by and say hello."

R.E.H.: “I didn’t say I knew her… personally. Wish I had though.” I looked at them. “What are you doing here?”

They all shrugged, as if they hadn’t thought it strange that we were all outside this run-down old warehouse. I noticed Beautifully Profound hurrying towards us.

R.E.H.: “Hey! I thought you were moving to Australia?”

Beautifully Profound: "Not saying that moving over to Australia is madness, but there is lots to be done when I arrive."

R.E.H.: “I’m sure there is. I kind of envy you. I’d like to go to Australia… I’d like to travel all over the world. I’d love to go to India!”

Joel appears around the corner. Dianne is right behind him. More famous bloggers are starting to show up – all headed for warehouse 505.

Joel: "A pop quiz; Do write/type in a word or two about what comes in your mind when you think the word 'India'?"

R.E.H.: “Elephants! That’s what I think of when I hear India. I remember this circus I went to as a kid where you could ride an elephant… Persie – I remember that was the elephant’s name. I was always too scared to ride him though.”

Dianne: "I’d perch on the edge of Persie and throw my arms up in the air as we went around faster and faster."

As more and more of my favorite bloggers started to arrive, I was becoming increasingly curious as to what was going on. I began explaining about the key and the phone call.

R.E.H.: “So I went over here after I got that strange call from this Mystery Man. But, why are all of you here too? Did you all get a call from him also?”

Farmer's Wife: "While pleasantly enjoying my peace and quiet the phone rings."

Leighann: "The husband was online reading emails."

Single In The City: "Well he called to let me know that he misses me, and we need to get back "together"."

R.E.H.: “Do you know him? Do you know who Mystery Man is?”

She shrugs.

Cardiogirl tells a similar story of the phonecall, and had told Mr. C that she would be headed out here to check it out.

Cardiogirl: "Mr. C laughed with surprise and amusement in his voice."

R.E.H.: “Alright. Now that we’re all here, lets go inside and see who this Mystery Man is then, shall we?”

I used the key to unlock the door to the warehouse, and we all followed suit inside. It appeared mostly empty, except for a desk in the center with a laptop sitting on top of it.

R.E.H.: “Not much in here… do you all see anything?”

Newt: "At most there might be a picture of a kid and a coffee mug."

And, that’s when we all saw it. On the floor, next to the desk was our Mystery Man. There was a pool of blood around him, and clearly the man was dead.

Jen: "My tummy is full of bubbly and not the good kind."

Jahooni: "Kinda."

We all stood in shock, looking at the dead body on the floor.

Guilty Secret: "Not to make February even more special;"

R.E.H.: “Well, this is a great way to end the month.”

Behind us, we hear the door to the warehouse open again, and as I turned around to see who it was I was both relieved and quite nervous as I noticed it was Detective Matthews and a couple of crime scene investigators. Oh, my God – we were all going to be suspects of committing homicide!

The girls were all looking at Detective Matthews, almost drooling. He was a very well known detective in Blogville, and all the girls were hot for him.

Leighann: "So here are your Friday Goodies."

Flutter: "In that dream."

Liv quickly adjusts her shoulder straps, and straightens up.

Liv: "The number of times i have wondered what to wear tonight."

Dana: "He's got the approval of a drunk senator, a woman who claims she's in touch with "the people," although she'd have no idea where to find the nearest WalMart and could never put dinner on the table for a family of 5 using only rice, kidney beans and cream of mushroom soup, and most recently, the full support of a man who is more racist than David Duke."

As all the girls are dreaming about the sexy Detective Matthews, Jay is pondering the obvious desire for him they all seem to share.

Jay: "Now, let’s be honest unless there is a decent amount of money or a new car or a really cool, high paying job that doesn’t require me to do much of anything involved I’m probably not going to have sex with a man."

Tequila Mockingbird: "If they were super hot, that would be entirely acceptable."

Detective Matthews stops in front of us all, and puts down a briefcase. He’s looking us over, looking less than amused. Then he looks over to the body, and tells his investigative team to start processing the crime scene. He turns to Jill, giving her a stern look.

Detective Matthews: “Where were you this morning?”

Jill: "Visit my relatives up in that province, including one of my goddaughter."

He turns to Karen. She accounts for her morning whereabouts.

Detective Matthews: “Can your sister confirm that?”

Karen: "My sister hadn't been home from work."

Detective Matthews: “Emmeline… What’s your story?”

Emmeline: "Would you like to hear about: a) how this company I have been wanting to work for ever since I graduated has three times now "sort of" offered me a job and then changed their minds?"

Detective Matthews: “No. That is not what I want to hear! I want to know where you were this morning between the hours of 8 and 10.”

Barely audible, Jay Cam mumbles something. Detective Matthews picks up on it, and snaps at him.

Detective Matthews: “What was that?”

Jay Cam: "Ireplied"Followmetoyourmom's"."

Detective Matthews: “Are you trying to be cute? Do you think you’re funny? Care to explain what you are doing here?”

Tequila Mockingibrd: "Here's mine, no explanations are needed."

She suddenly rips her blouse open, exposing what is underneath. Detective Matthews is so surprised and impressed he doesn’t seem to know what to say. Her big boobies are supported by an odd looking bra.

Casdok: "The American Inventor, James Moreau, explains it best: “A brassiere which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast."

Detective Matthews manages to look away from Tequila Mockingbirds breasts, and surveys the room.

Detective Matthews: “I can see you lot are going to be a lot of help in this investigation.”

He notices a security camera in a corner of the warehouse. He points at No More Empty Fortune Cookies.

Detective Matthews: “You. Help set up the surveillance cam to the laptop over there. We’ll have a look at the surveillance tapes and see what really happened here.”

No More Empty Fortune Cookies: "They come with friggin' instructions, and a diagram!"

Reluctantly she proceeds to read the instructions and connects the security cam to the laptop. Detective Matthews instructs Elle to go find the surveillance tape, and about the same time the laptop is hooked up to the camera she returns with two different tapes.

Elle: "Which?"

After checking the two tapes out, Detective Matthews chooses one and loads the security cam with it. Tink sneaks up behind him and puts the other tape in her purse.

R.E.H.: “What are you doing?”

Tink: "Hoop expressed a wish to collect them."

Detective Matthews notices Tink trying to steal the tape, and promptly digs into here purse and takes out the surveillance tape.

Detective Matthews: “Do you all understand the seriousness of this situation? We’re talking about murder here. If you are found guilty of committing this crime you are facing a minimum of 5 years in prison! That’s a lot of life in the real world you’d all be missing out on.”

HoosierGirl5: "And Aaron will be 12, finishing his 6th grade year."

It suddenly seems to dawn on many of us the severity of the situation we are all in.

Detective Matthews: “Ok. Now, let’s have a look at that security tape”

We all started gathering around the laptop, trying to get a good view of the screen. TT starts pushing some people around, unhappy about the crowded feel as we all bundle up in front of the laptop.

TT: "I need all the grape room I can get."

The tape starts playing. After a few seconds of static, we see the Mystery Man walking around in the room. Apparently he’s talking on a cellphone, and we all figure he is making a call to one of us, asking us to come see him here. I started to wonder what it was that he wanted to tell us all. Why had he asked us all to come here?

A dog appears on the screen, runs up to the Mystery Man and starts humping his leg. Mystery Man tries to push the dog away.

Lakota Princess: "Animal trying to hump a human - funny."

Knight: "StumpsAround:"

Detective Matthews: “What? Is that the dog’s name? Do you know that dog?”

Then there is static for a few more seconds. Then the screen turns black – completely black. We all watch for a while, waiting for something to happen. Jo seems particularly fascinated.

Jo: "That is a dimensional black, it pulls you in, makes you feel it is bottomless."

Still there’s no change in the picture. Sparkling Red seems to be impatient.

Sparkling Red: "I recommend fast-forwarding a bit to get a sampling of the various sections."

Detective Matthews: “Hey! Who’s in charge here? You? We’re watching this thing from start to finish. This might be a long night, and not one of you are leaving here until we figure out who killed this man!”

He motions to one of the CSI’s.

Detective Matthews: “Rodney! Go out to my car and get some beers will you! This is going to be a long night.”

Rodney they CSI quickly walks outside, and returns with the beers.

CSI Rodney: “Who wants a beer?”

R.E.H.: “I’ll have a can of beer, please.”

He tosses me one.

CSI Rodney: “Who else?”

Farmer's Wife: "I will also drink beer from a can."

A few more express their desire to have a beer, and Rodney tosses a can to everyone who asks for it. G-Man looks pleased as he pops his can open, and takes a large sip out of the can.

G-Man: "All-in-all, a good night."

He raises his can and proposes a cheer. Then the blackness of the screen suddenly shows the room again. Mystery Man is standing by the desk, a shadowy figure is approaching him on screen. He seems to be screaming in fear, his mouth agape and his eyes wide with terror. There is no sound on the tape, but still it was like we could all hear that scream shattering our minds.

Preposterous Ponderings: "And maybe it's not meant to last."

…TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE…)

"3rd" - January 2008 / 100th Post!

So, it’s that time of the month again. No – not THAT time of the month – I’m a dude and don’t have to suffer through PMS and all (unless you count not getting any… which is bothersome enough).

No. The time of month I’m talking about is when I present my monthly recap feature, which goes by the name of “3rd”, as it is posted on the 3rd of each month. This feature takes a look at all the comments I’ve received over the last month, and I give out the Commenter of the Month award to the person who commented most frequently. I also review search terms that brought people to my site.

And… of course – there is the Monthly Commenter story, in which I use a single sentence from all of your blogs and create a fictional story including them all.

I gotta tell you. This month the story was unbelievably hard to put together. I collected all the sentences, and couldn’t see any connections anywhere! It was unreal.

Also. Today is Sunday – and that usually means “Funday Sunday”, but I’ve scrapped that one this week as I think the monthly feature has priority over a weekly feature. “Funday Sunday” will be back on schedule next week though.

And while were at it... this is a celebratory post. Yep – this is the 100th blog post over here at Ramblings of a Madman, and isn’t it neat to celebrate that with the monthly recap? Sweet.

So Happy 100, dear blog. Lets hope for hundreds and hundreds more wonderful posts in the months and years to come!

Well, what are we waiting for? Lets get started.

ONE: COMMENTER OF THE MONTH

For the second straight month, Tequila Mockingbird picks up the coveted Commenter of the Month award. Thanks for stalking me (I’ll let you know when I alert the authorities, and get a restraining order). She commented a good 37 times to win this award. Lakota Princess (30) and Leighann (28) put up a fight, and finished 2nd and 3rd respectively.

Below, is a list of ALL commenters during the month of January 2008.

WINNER: Tequila Mockingbird (37)
2nd Place: Lakota Princess (30)
3rd Place: Leighann (28)

26: Jay, Jill
24: Karen, TT
23: Fiwa, Jay Cam, Samantha K
22: Dana
20: Sparkling Red
18: Jo
17: Jen
16: Alli, Emmeline
13: Kell, Real Live Lesbian
12: Butterfly Girl, Newt
11: Beautifully Profound, G-Man, Joel, RockDog
9: Casdok, Guilty Secret, Loving Annie, Preposterous Ponderings, Tink
8: Aunt Jackie
7: ~Angela~, Cardiogirl
6: Liv

Couldn't make it on moving day:

5: Backpacker Momma, Farmer's Wife, Lightning Bug's Butt, Mary P. Jones, Pookie Sixx
4: Elle, Ginni Dee, Odd Facts
3: Freakazojd
2: Blogget Jones, ETK, Flutter, HoosierGirl5, Melissa, MerriMerri, Tookie Tail

1: BrazleBridge, CresceNet, Dianne, Gawilli, Jahooni, Knight, Maggie, Nanette, Penelope Anne, Random Musings Of My Life, Still Single, Storyteller

Thank you all for your comments, and making this place a fun place to be!

TWO: KEYWORDS OF THE MONTH

Time to take a look at the search terms that were used on Google and other search engines that brought people to my blog.

Top Searches: "utube eddie murphy merry new year sound"
I posted the clip with Eddie Murphy saying “Merry New Year”, from the film “Trading Places” and that really sent a few Google searchers my way. Seems I am not the only one who is a big fan of that clip – and of course the New Year’s Eve celebrations would make others think of it and want to see it, I guess. Quite a number of variations of this search appeared during the first days of January.

Funny Searches:
“making out with cousin”, “making out with my little nice or cousin” – make out sessions with members of your own family is still a popular search term that gives me some page hits. I am starting to find this quite disturbing. I DID NOT make out with my cousin, dammit!

“making-out when he's drunk” – Better… but – what do you want to know?

“girl shoves a can of pepsi up ass”, “pepsi bottle up the ass”, “pepsi enema” and “pepsi glass bottle old man” – Is there a popular fetish that I’ve never been introduced to regarding Pepsi bottles and anal insertions? Yeah, I did post that news story about the poor old man who got a bottle shoved up his ass during a robbery…

“airplane wet between legs” – Uhm… ok ;)

“big girls bedwetter” – Another weird fetish, perhaps? But, how were they directed to my blog? I have never written about bedwetters, nor do I recall having mentioned Big Girls…

“guilty of losing my virginity” – You will be sentenced accordingly!

“how could a 13 year old to make 200$ in one day” – Wish I knew the answer to this when I was thirteen. He was probably desperate as his parents refused to buy him that new Playstation!

“stories huge schlong” – Hehe… read the Rubicon!

And my personal favorite of the month!
“why did the mad man throw the toilet bowl out of the plane?”

Random Interesting Search:
“blog 13 year old airplane fondle” – Did this person actually search for my blog? I did the letter to 13 year old me, and I did that story of when I fondled a stranger on the airplane… but, whoever made this search, and came across my blog didn’t stay around – so I guess there is some other blogger out there who likes to feel up unsuspecting women on airplanes (at the age of 13?).


THREE: COMMENTER STORY OF THE MONTH

Those of you who remember this thing from last month will notice that I changed the rules a little. Because of the growing popularity of my blog, I found that a minimum of 3 comments really added to the total of sentences to use, and would make writing the story extremely difficult (it is difficult enough as it is. So I upped the minimum comments to 6 – sorry about that if you missed the cut because of it).

Monthly Commenter Story
The monthly commenter story is a fictional story that I will write and post on the 3rd of each month. This story is composed of all the people who have left at least six comments on my blog over the past month. Credit goes to RockDog for inspiring this idea.

RULES (may change slightly each month):
Every person who have commented on my blog at least 6 times during the past month will be included in a fictional story, written by yours truly - R.E.H.

I will go to these people's blogs and copy a single sentence from their final post of the month. It will always be the 9th sentence of that post. If the post has fewer than 9 sentences, I will use sentence number 6, if fewer than that - sentence number 3. If the post were to have less than three sentences – I will take the sentence from the second last post of the month.

The Commenter of the Month will have sentences from the last 3 posts included in my story.

Runner-Up and Third Placed commenters will have sentences from their last 2 posts of the month included.

Once I've collected all your sentences, these will be incorporated into a fictional story.

Sentences MUST be used as dialogue "out of the mouth" of that blogger, and I am not allowed to add other dialogue to that character in the story.

Every sentence MUST be used in the story. I can not skip using one, just because I can't find a good use for it.

Sentences MUST be used completely unedited, except if sentence breaking parenthesis is used, in which case I reserve the right to remove the parenthesis.

Names of the blogger will be linked to their blogs (only where dialogue follows).

If a blogger does not wish to feature in these stories from now on, they must tell me so in a comment, and I will exclude them from my story.

DISCLAIMER:
The events taking place in this story has no resemblance to reality in any form. The actions that fellow bloggers undertake in this story is in no way a reflection of their true selves. The only "real" deal here is that what the blogger says in this story, is what they have written on their blog... but it may be put way out of context of its original meaning.

Put shortly... this is for fun! I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings, or making them out to be something they are not!

********** THE STORY **********

MOVING DAY

The blogging community is a very friendly place indeed, and this was demonstrated on the day that Tequila Mockingbird was moving in to a new apartment. That was the day that we all got together and helped her move all of her stuff.

Tequila Mockingbird explained the situation as she called me on the phone.

Tequila Mockingbird: "At the same time my situation changed, The Novice was going to be moving out of the apartment he and Landon shared, so I offered to take the room."

The thing was… she had to move, like, right away. So I picked up the phone and started calling everyone to ask them to help out with the big move. I would explain it to them:

R.E.H.: “Hi, Guilty Secret. Tequila Mockingbird is moving to a new place, and she needs help moving her stuff right away. You want to come over and help us all out?”

Guilty Secret: “Ok, cool.”

And, that was what just about everyone said. I was surprised at how genuinely interested everyone seemed in helping out. I didn’t even have to bribe anyone into coming.

Casdok and Aunt Jackie were among the first to arrive at the scene and they decided to catch up a little on the past weeks events.

Casdok: "So how has your week been?!"

Aunt Jackie: "I've been stressing a bit over worrying about not being at work to take care of my usual responsibilities."

At the same time, RockDog arrived.

R.E.H.: “Hey, man. Thanks for coming over to help us out.”

RockDog: "With so many cases being diagnosed each day you just never know who you might be helping."

R.E.H.: “ Uhm… I’m not sure I underst-“

Leighann: "Tell me you are fucking joking...."

I am interrupted by Leighann’s voice, and turn around trying to find out what she’s going all crazy over. I follow her gaze and see a man in a banana suit strolling down the street. He’s singing some old 50’s rock’n’roll song. I couldn’t quite recognize the song, because he had changed the lyrics so that the song was all about bananas. It was the weirdest sight, as the sun was on the horizon and the tower next to us seemed to glow as the man in the banana suit walked by it. While the rest of us are staring at the man in the suit, Joel seems to be much more interested in the glowing tower.

Joel: "The tower doesn't emit light, it is a camera trick."

R.E.H.: “What? Yeah… but check out the dude in the suit!”

Tequila Mockingbird lets us all in on a little secret. Apparently she had donned a banana suit at one time and walked the streets singing old songs too – that had happened during a particularly drunken night.

Tequila Mockingbird: "Eventually that wasn’t as funny, and I had been hobbling for close to a block now."

Then a giant moving van splashes through a puddle of water and comes to a halt right where we were all standing. The driver’s side door opens and Jay comes out of the van. It was time to get started moving the furniture. Just to avoid any confusion I tell everyone:

R.E.H.: “Ok. Jay’s doing the driving today, and I don’t wanna hear anyone complaining”

Jay: "So, if you have problems with motion sickness or anything like that, you’ve been warned."

I started looking around to see if everyone was here.

R.E.H.: “Alright. Are we missing anyone?”

Loving Annie: "Flyinfox, Pookie Sixx, Ron and TK Kerouac (9 times !)"

R.E.H.: “Nine times?”

Yeah, apparently they had gracefully bowed out the last nine times moving help was required.

R.E.H.: “Ok… anyone else?”

Tink: "Babe and Cristinky"

R.E.H.: “Babe and Cristinky? That’s you, isn’t it? I mean… never mind. Okay everyone – lets get to work!”

We all started walking toward Tequila Mockingbirds apartment to start moving stuff and cleaning the place up. Jay Cam walks up to me, still hung up on what we had just witnessed a minute ago.

Jay Cam: "That guy in the banana costume was indeed pretty creepy."

R.E.H.: “Yeah, he was. Really creepy, in fact. But, we got to get busy if we want to be done here before nightfall.”

As we came upstairs, we started handing out jobs for us all to do. Tequila Mockingbird insisted that Cardiogirl take care of her bedlinen, and she wants them washed and nicely folded too.

Cardiogirl: "So this means at least six days out of seven I have to wash sheets."

Then, Cardiogirl walks over to the linen closet and starts pulling all the sheets out. Tequila Mockingbird calls Leighann over, asking her to be in charge of the phone, as there may be someone calling for a guy, and it was of the utmost importance that a message be taken.

Leighann: "So since these phone calls come in during the day (mostly) and he's at work, I say: "This is his wife, can I help you?""

Leighann has obviously understood her mission perfectly, and so she sits down on a chair next to the telephone and keeps staring at it with determination – waiting for the thing to start ringing.

After Tequila Mockingbird has finished giving the orders, and everyone is ready to start moving her stuff, Dana walks up to me, and whispers to me with a smirk on her face.

Dana: "She likes to let people think that she is one tough cookie, but she's just a wad of Double-Bubble."

R.E.H.: “Oh, be nice to her now. You know how stressful it is to be moving.”

We all start doing our jobs and things are going very smoothly and the apartment is cleaned out pretty fast. Jo is panting heavily as she carries a large box full of books.

R.E.H.: “Did you get all the books in there?”, I ask. Jo nods, to let me know that she thinks she’s got them all. Then Fiwa comes running after her with a large book in her hands.

Fiwa: "Plus this:"

She puts the book, which has a picture of a chair on the front page, into the box. Jo looks fascinated as she sees the book.

Jo: "I also got a book of 1,000 chairs."

Emmeline walks by carrying an armchair. She, too, notices the book, which seems to be an item of great interest to anyone who sees it.

Emmeline: "There are about six or seven pages in the beginning, however, that are actually novel-like, and it is actually a pretty good read."

TT walks by and hears the conversation.

TT: "Thought provoking, yes?"

Just as I was about to tell them all to forget about the book and get back to work, Lakota Princess walks by with a box full of dildos. All of us guys stop what we’re doing. G-Man, Jay, Jay Cam, Joel, RockDog and I all watch it with unbelieving eyes.

R.E.H.: “Wow! Looks like you’re all set for Valentines Day, Lakota”.

The others start laughing at my exceptionally funny joke.

Lakota Princess: "Guys, V-day was invented by you for you."

Lakota looks over to Tequila Mockingbird.

Lakota Princess: "By the way, I ignored all the vibes that had "mini" and "slimline" and "petite" in the name."

Tequila Mockingbird gives her the thumbs up, to let her know that that is ok – she doesn’t want those anyway. At the same time, Karen sneaks up to me looking like a kid trying to reach in to the cookie jar without being noticed. She’s got an emergency check in her hand.

Karen: "Folded in the emergency check, I found a 20 dollar bill."

R.E.H.: “Come on now, Karen. That’s Tequila Mockingbird’s money. Give it to me.”

She looks a little embarrassed, and reluctantly hands me the $20 bill. I pocket it in my jeans… Hey! I put this all together, I deserve the 20 dollars, don’t I? Besides, she’s not going to notice they’re gone – I hope…

So, after some hard and efficient work from all of us, everything had been removed from the old apartment. We were all standing there, as Tequila Mockingbird inspected to make sure that everything was done.

R.E.H.: “Ok, so you guys took everything downstairs, and the place is cleaned up, right?”

Liv: “Well, the kids rooms are clean except for the fact that one or more cats has decided to urinate in D's room, and Peep's ongoing potty training involves her relatively high level of enjoyment in wiping poopy fingers in the carpet.”

Good. With all that taken care of, I decided we all deserved something to eat. And I suggested we all go to the new restaurant further down the street. I explained that it was a religiously themed restaurant, and they served food in the name of God.

R.E.H.: “I hope that’s alright with you all”

Tequila Mockingbird: "Unless those religious preferences include sacrificing babies or not washing their hands after using the bathroom, there is no excuse."

And, after that comment – no one dared suggesting eating at any other place. It was settled – Religious Beliefs Diner was where we would go for a bite to eat.

R.E.H.: “Ok, that’s decided then. Good work, y’all. You did really well.” I notice Beautifully Profound nearly passed out, sitting on the floor – profusely sweating and panting heavily.

R.E.H.: “You alright?”

Beautifully Profound: "A blubbering wreck accompanied by boughts of panic attacks."

R.E.H.: “Some food will get your energy right back. You’ll be good as new.”

Just as we are about to leave, Newt comes running down the street waving her arms around to get our attention. I realized that she’d not been with us all day, and so I asked her where she’d been. She explained how she got caught up in traffic and couldn’t get onto Main Street.

Newt: "Ok, so, finally someone pulled in and I went in with her"

R.E.H.: “Well, good thing. You’re just in time for lunch”

We all piled into the moving van and Jay drove us the two blocks down the street where we went inside to order our meals. They immediately served us some bread and wine at the tables, and I ordered lamb for us all to eat. We started talking about the joys of blogging. Kell spoke of how much she appreciated our encouraging comments on her blog, and how that helps sometimes.

Kell: "Thank you for the support and understanding."

Jen: "I am thankful you share these bits of your lives in this blogosphere of ours."

R.E.H.: “That’s what blogging is all about. We write what’s in our heart, and we lift each others spirits through commenting on each others blogs. Blogging is a lot of fun, as long as we don’t have to do too many of those boring old meme’s.”

Butterfly Girl puts on her best mockery voice.

Butterfly Girl: "Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.", and then she rolls her eyes at the ceiling.

R.E.H.: “Exactly. How stupid is that? I mean, is there anything more annoying?”

Alli: "People that let their lawns get out of control."

Then, the waiter arrives at the table and sets down plates of lamb for us all. I am shocked, as I notice that the lamb served does not appear to have been properly skinned, leaving large tufts of fur on the sides of my lamb chop. I poke at the thing with my fork, disgusted.

R.E.H.: “Uhm… can I really eat this thing?”

Preposterous Ponderings: "You'd be coughing up hairballs for a fucking week!"

She looks down at her own plate, and notices that hers looks the same. All of our lamb chops seem to be covered with fur. Real Live Lesbian does not appear happy at all.

Real Live Lesbian: "I mean, how do I let that work?"

She stands up and starts collecting all of our plates to take them out to the kitchen and let them know there’s no way we’re eating this. Demanding other food – which is edible. As she reaches for Jill’s plate she waves her off, and Jill carves a piece of the lamb and puts a forkful into her mouth.

R.E.H.: “Gee, Jill! I can’t believe you actually want to eat that. That’s just not real!”

Jill: "And my reality might not be the same as you, as we don't live all in the same country and in the same situation!"

R.E.H.: “Alright, alright. If you want to eat that – go ahead.”

As we were waiting for Real Live Lesbian to return with new food that didn’t have fur on it I was talking to Samantha K. as she was telling me about a wedding she was going to with her UPS man.

R.E.H.: “Sounds like you two will have a lot of fun. And, you get to try out a wedding environment without being the girl in focus.”

Samantha K: "Or I could be a psychotic overthinking girl and say "Hey, I'm going to read way too much into this and imagine that he's testing me to see how I respond to all the lovey-dovey, frosting covered schmaltz...and party mints"."

And, when new food arrived, and we all dug into our plates, we were all very pleased to discover that it was the tastiest lamb we had all ever had. Little did we know that the chefs back in the kitchen had done nothing more than carve the sides of the lamb chops to remove the furry bits, before taking the very same plates back out to our tables. But, then – who cares? It was indeed the best lamb I have ever had in my life.

While we ate, we talked about moving, and Sparkling Red was reminiscing about the time she had to move after her divorce.

Sparkling Red: "But first we had to figure out what to do about the house we had bought with his mother."

R.E.H.: “Yeah, that’s a difficult thing to do. I wouldn’t even know what this whole process would involve, and where to start.”

G-Man speaks up while chewing a large piece of meat.

G-Man: "Part of this process was me giving them my insurance information."

R.E.H.: “Really? You have to give them that information too?”

He nods and continues to chew his food with tremendous appetite.

After lunch, things went very smoothly and we were able to carry all of Tequila Mockingbirds stuff up into her new apartment without much trouble, being full of energy from the delicious lamb chops. I thanked everyone for coming over to help out, and we all agreed that whenever any one of us need help moving, we’ll all be there to lend a hand.

R.E.H.: “Ok. Thank you all for doing this. Now you can go home and get a good night’s sleep. I’m sure you’re all exhausted and sleep will come easily tonight”.

We said our goodbyes, and when I came home I crashed into bed and I was sound asleep long before midnight. At 3AM I was awakened by the sound of the telephone. It was ~Angela~ who was calling. She was all excited, and told me she was moving to a new place, and that we should all come over to help her move her stuff… Right Now! She was so excited about it, and said she had had so much fun today, and couldn’t wait to do it all again.

R.E.H.: “I know we said we’d come right over whenever someone needed us, but please understand, ~Angela~, that we’ve all been working really hard today, and right now – all I want is some sleep!”

~Angela~: "But I can't sleep."

I let out a sigh of despair and exhaustion. As tired as I was… I knew – a promise is a promise, so I say:

R.E.H.: “Alright, alright. Let me get the others. We’ll be right over!”

"3rd" - December 2007

This is the first time that I'm doing this, but I intend for this to be a monthly feature here on Ramblings Of A Madman. This is pretty much a recap of the month that has been, and I will post this thing on the 3rd of every month. As you will understand I will need a couple of days to compile all of this stuff ;)

What this is all about, is to give something back to all of you who leave comments on my posts. I appreciate your thoughts and input, and for this I will hand out a "Commenter of the Month" award, as well as write a fun little story in which you all will appear.

This'll be a rather long post, so let's get right down to it.

**********

ONE: COMMENTER OF THE MONTH

As you see on the picture up there, we have a winner of the first Commenter of the Month award. That winner is Tequila Mockingbird who has left a whopping 28 comments for me in December. That gives her a landslide win over runner up Jay Cam, who finished at 22. Jay and Karen share 3rd place with 20 comments.

Below, is a list of ALL commenters during the month of December 2007.

WINNER: Tequila Mockingbird (28)
2nd Place: Jay Cam (22)
3rd Place: Jay (20), Karen (20)

17: Guilty Secret
16: Leighann, Preposterous Ponderings
15: Dana, Fiwa, Sparkling Red
13: Kell, RockDog
12: Joel, Newt, Samantha K
9: Beautifully Profound, TT
8: G-Man, Loving Annie
7: Alli, Butterfly Girl, Jen, Tink
6: Lakota Princess, Lightning Bug's Butt
5: Real Live Lesbian
3: Jill, Mary P. Jones, Odd Facts

Just Missed The Party (2): Aunt Jackie, Cardiogirl, Casdok, Emmeline, Jinks, Pookie Sixx, Sassy Lucy

Singles (1): Ammaro.com, Angela, Art, Bottle Blonde, Brunhilda, Crashtest Comic, Freakazojd, Gawilli, Palm Springs Savant, PhoenixMuse, Smarmoofus

Thank you all for your comments, and making this place a fun place to be!

**********

TWO: KEYWORDS OF THE MONTH

Part two of my monthly recap will take a look at the keywords that brought people to my site when searching on Google and stuff. This part will have no real structure, but I'll just try to make it funny.

Top Searches:
"cousins making out" and "root beer"
Now, it worries me a little bit that people are Googling that first sentence - and apparently quite often. I know I made a post about going to my cousin's birthday party, and that I ended up making out with some random chick there - but, let me remind you that it was not my cousin I was making out with.... Yikes!

Funny Searches:
"do women like pecs", "shakira pecs", "why do pecs look good" and "why do women like pecs" - Pecs seem to be an item of interest... I especially enjoy the question format on those searches... why, why oh why do pecs look so freakin' good? Does Shakira even have pecs? Technically speaking? And if she does... wouldn't you rather search for her boobs?
"is two and a half hours of sleep worth it?" - hmmm... That's something I really need to Google to find the answer to.
"is scaring a pregnant girl bad" - Duh!
"kicked in the balls hard" - I can't even begin to imagine why someone would enter that search term

Random Interesting Search:
"head over heels" - Someone found my site with this particular search term, and decided to stick around for 15+ minutes. I find this quite interesting... is this person still reading my blog? You out there? Let me know, because that would have to be one random new reader.

**********

THREE: COMMENTER STORY OF THE MONTH

Lets begin by explaining this thing a little bit. In fact, lets begin by giving credit for this thing where it belongs. This idea is not one that I've come up with myself. This idea belongs to RockDog over at Your Friendly Neighborhood RockDog. When I first read a post he had made, writing a story using the 8th sentence from the last 10 unique commenters on his site, I was hooked on the idea. What a fantastic way to rub those creative brain cells. Check out that post right HERE.

So, dude. RockDog, my man! I sure hope you don't mind me outright stealing this idea from you - if you do, I will remove this thing and not ever do it again, but I'm hoping you will have the heart to forgive me for my disrespectful act of treachery.

I've slightly modified the "rules" that RockDog uses. More on that below. Basically, the idea is to take one sentence from a blog by the commenter and use it as dialogue in a fictional story.

First, some rules and a disclaimer. Then - sit back, relax, grab a glass of wine, a shot of whiskey, a can of beer, a bottle of Mountain Dew or whatever you fancy for a little reading session. Thank you all for the month that has been, and we'll be looking forward to the first month of 2008 - January!

Monthly Commenter Story
The monthly commenter story is a fictional story that I will write and post on the 3rd of each month. This story is composed of all the people who have left at least three comments on my blog over the past month.

RULES:
Every person who have commented on my blog at least 3 times during the past month will be included in a fictional story, written by yours truly - R.E.H.

I will go to these people's blogs and copy a single sentence from their final post of the month. It will always be the 9th sentence of that post. If the post has fewer than 9 sentences, I will use sentence number 6, if fewer than that - sentence number 3. If the post were to have less than three sentences - they will be disqualified for my story.

The Commenter of the Month will have sentences from the last 3 posts included in my story.

Runner-Up and Third Placed commenters will have sentences from their last 2 posts of the month included.

Once I've collected all your sentences, these will be incorporated into a fictional story.

Sentences MUST be used as dialogue "out of the mouth" of that blogger, and I am not allowed to add other dialogue to that character in the story.

Every sentence MUST be used in the story. I can not skip using one, just because I can't find a good use for it.

Sentences MUST be used completely unedited, except if sentence breaking parenthesis is used, in which case I reserve the right to remove the parenthesis.

Names of the blogger will be linked to their blogs (only where dialogue follows).

If a blogger does not wish to feature in these stories from now on, they must tell me so in a comment, and I will exclude them from my story.

DISCLAIMER:
The events taking place in this story has no resemblance to reality in any form. The actions that fellow bloggers undertake in this story is in no way a reflection of their true selves. The only "real" deal here is that what the blogger says in this story, is what they have written on their blog... but it may be put way out of context of its original meaning.

Put shortly... this is for fun! I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings, or making them out to be something they are not!

********** THE STORY **********

BLOGVILLE NEW YEAR'S PARTY 2007

It was New Year's Eve 2007, and I had absolutely no idea where to go. Where's fun to be found? I knew who to ask when in need of a good time, so I called up Tequila Mockingbird and she was more than happy to guide me through some New Year's partying. We met outside a rundown apartment building, and I could hear the monotonous beating of party music drifting out of a cracked window on the second story.

R.E.H.: "This is not the place you said we'd go."

Tequila Mockingbird: "The first party was one put on by people really into home brewing, needless to say, quite the selection of fine beverages, but a bit too sedate."

R.E.H.: "Ok... guess this one is more lively then."

We entered the building, and walked up the stairs (elevator was out of order - thank God, as I would have been scared shitless riding inside of that thing). I was excited to get to the party. I'd heard all of my blogging friends would be there, and it was going to be a lot of fun to meet them all. As we reached the door I rang the bell.

Lightning Bug's Butt opened the door and greeted us with a great big smile on his face.

Lightning Bug's Butt: "Merry Christmas."

A little surprised I look at him.

R.E.H.: "It's New Year's, right? Christmas was last week."

As Guilty Secret is taking off her winter coat, she overhears us talking about Christmas.

Guilty Secret: "Our first Christmas, I spent at my mum's as usual."

Then Jill comes rushing by, headed for the exit. She does not look pleased at all. I hear her mumbling to herself as she brushes by me.

Jill: "No matter how well I manage my money, after I've bought my Christmas gifts, clothes and other stuff, I don't have any money left for New Year!"

Apparently there was a fee to enter the party. I duly paid the $200 - I was not going to miss this party for anything in the world. In honor of Tequila Mockingbird's award-winning commenting on my blog, I decided to pay the entrance fee for her as well. We received a welcome drink and a rubber chicken, which I couldn't quite figure out the use of. Tequila Mockingbird looked less than amused at the rubber chicken, and promptly handed it back.

Tequila Mockingbird: "The only chicken I want for the holidays is cooked and served with a side of mashed potatoes."

Then she quickly threw back the drink, swallowed and we walked inside - ready to party! As we came inside I was overjoyed to see all those familiar blogger friends. I knew I was in for a terrific New Year's Eve. Beautifully Profound was standing by a wall, looking at all the people. She held a camera firmly in her hands. Next to her Karen stands sipping a glass of wine.

R.E.H.: "I see you brought your camera."

Beautifully Profound: "I may try to find some inspirational photos to post up tonight."

I cursed myself for not having brought my camera. It seemed such a given that one would take pictures to post on your blog from this party. I note that Karen doesn't seem to carry a camera either.

R.E.H.: "Aren't you going to take any pictures tonight?"

Karen: "I would post pictures, but I am afraid the Department of Health may stop buy for some sort of inspection after seeing the family room."

I look across the hall, into the family room - and I understand immediately what Karen meant. All of a sudden I'm glad I didn't bring a camera... it sure wouldn't have been suitable to post those pictures on any self-respecting blog. In the midst of the crowd I see Newt standing there. She looks absolutely horrified... she's desperately trying to clean up some mess around her - I figured it was puke. I holler over the loud music to her.

R.E.H.: "Hey, Newt! Somebody barfed in there?"

She points to some guy I didn't recognize. The fella had obviously had a few too many already, and had now passed out on the floor. He was not a pretty sight.

Newt: "All over his shirt, the carpet, the stairs."

She resumes cleaning up the mess. Karen suddenly hoists her glass of wine toward my drink for a salute. In the process she knocks the camera out of Beautifully Profound's hands, and it goes crashing to the floor. It breaks in a thousand tiny little pieces, scattering everywhere. Karen looks mortified.

Karen: "Mark just said I am probably a hex."

She helps Beautifully Profound pick up the pieces of the camera, and they try to assemble it back together.

I follow Tequila Mockingbird as she walks into the family room, where most of the party goers seem to have gathered. The music is loud. There is a distinct smell of booze, and cigarettes and the horrid stench of vomit. Again I throw an evil glance at the stranger passed out on the floor. RockDog notices me looking at the dude and walks up to me.

RockDog: "Drunken party last night (which I was not in town for)."

Turns out the guy who did the puking had been partying since yesterday, and that is why he was unable to remain conscious into the New Year. I shook my head at the dude, and ventured further in. I see Jay Cam standing there - checking out some girl dancing to the music.

R.E.H.: "Hi there, Jay Cam. See you got your eyes on something, huh?"

He continues to stare at the dancing babe.

Jay Cam: "Deb I'm going to tag for sure!"

Tequila Mockingbird notices the girl he's eyeballing.

Tequila Mockingbird: "In fact, she looks exactly like me, except she is older and smells mentholy-fresh."

R.E.H.: "I thought you were dating... what's her name?"

Jay Cam: "Mrs. Norton was fat."

He continues to ogle the hot babe on the dance floor, and I realize I'm not going to get a conversation going with him. Tequila Mockingbird seems to have the same fascination with the dancing girl. I look over to the left and see Samantha K standing there. She's holding a can of beer in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other.

R.E.H.: "Aw, Samantha! Of course I would run into you here at the party!"

Samantha K: "Actually, there haven't been any parties since my boys have been born."

She stumbles onward, headed for the dance floor. As I look at her, I see out the window that the snow has started falling heavily. Tink and her fiancée Hoop are making out right next to me.

R.E.H.: "The snow's starting to come down pretty hard out there"

Tink removes her face from Hoop's and looks at me. She doesn't seem to quite understand what I just said.

R.E.H.: "The snow! You've got quite a drive home after the party... The snow is going to make it a pain in the ass."

Tink: "Then Hoop and I are going to try and stay sober so we can make the hour long trek back home at one."

She falls back into the arms of her man and they resume making out. Loving Annie walks by and looks a little embarrassed by it.

Loving Annie: "I respect your privacy and the right to do things your own way."

She goes to the dance floor and starts strutting her stuff. I would've joined her, but knowing I can't dance I decided to stay put. I started looking around for people to talk to, and notice Fiwa and Kell at a computer across the room. I walk up to them. They seem to be deeply engaged in a conversation. Kell is absorbed with whatever is on the screen, while Fiwa leans over her shoulder pointing at the screen as I walk up to them.

Fiwa: "If you haven't heard of the concept of Microlending, follow the link to Wikipedia for some background."

Kell clicks the link and starts reading up on the concept of Microlending. I read too, unnoticed by either one of them. When Kell is finished reading, she turns to Fiwa.

Kell: "I want to read more, and maybe take a class at the community college--something challenging but fun."

As interesting as it may be, I came here for a party, so I turn around to go looking for some more action. As I turn, I banged my head into a low hung ceiling lamp. It hurt like hell.

R.E.H.: "Aw... FUCK!"

Everybody suddenly stops what they're doing and look at me in shock. My face turns red, and I'm feeling really stupid for having said the F-Word.

R.E.H.: "I know... I should watch my language. I'm sorry."

People start getting back to what they were doing, and I notice Jay looking at me with a grin on his face.

Jay: "I also remember wanting to cuss less."

He turns and walks into the kitchen. I decide to follow him to see what may be going on in there. I hear there is a lot of commotion coming out from the kitchen area. As I enter I see Preposterous Ponderings standing at the counter sorting chocolate candies from a box. She is laying them out nicely in a pattern, and taking great care as she organizes her chocolates.

Lakota Princess: "Wow...look at them line up."

G-Man: "Brown and Pattern"

G-Man breaks out a camera of his own, looking to take the pictures for the upcoming Weekly Words Challenge. Everybody is looking on in fascination as Preposterous Ponderings continue to arrange her candies. Alli is looking particularly wide-eyed. There is a quality in her beautiful brown eyes that is beginning to worry me. She looks absolutely obsessed with the chocolates, and I notice her tongue slipping out of her mouth to wet her lips. It shoots out quickly like the tongue of a lizard.

Alli: "LOVE THEM!"

Then she suddenly darts forward. Pushes Preposterous Ponderings aside as she makes her way to the delicious looking chocolates. She starts eating in a frenzy, dropping a few on the floor. TT quickly drops to her knees and starts collecting the fallen ones, stuffing them into her mouth as fast as she can.

TT: "More as I get them..........."

Mayhem ensues in the kitchen, as everyone is going after the chocolate. Real Live Lesbian tosses a handfull into a blender with some milk and makes chocolate milk. She drinks it up in one big gulp, leaving a chocolate moustache on her upper lip.

Real Live Lesbian: "I think the moustache is a nice touch, don't you?"

Infuriated, Preposterous Ponderings slams her fists down on the counter with an ear-deafening BAM! Everybody suddenly become quiet and inanimate with fear.

Preposterous Ponderings: "Those of you who know me know that there is no fucking way I am giving up my chocolate."

She takes her fighting stance. Fists clenched, her eyes burning with hatred as she awaits the first son-of-a-bitch who dare take her on. Jay (who had not been munching any of her chocolates) steps forward... if this is going to be a fight, Jay wants it to be a fair one.

Jay: "Here are the rules."

He takes a deep breath, to begin reciting the rules as he comes up with them, but I stop him. I don't want my New Year's party to turn into a slug-fest. I'm here to have some freakin' fun fer-cryin-out-loud.

R.E.H.: "Stop It! That's it! Everybody out of the kitchen. No one's allowed in the kitchen!"

Leighann: "Being grounded from the kitchen is HUGE!"

I started to shove everyone out, trying to salvage some of Preposterous Ponderings beloved chocolates. As I got everyone out, I realize not a single piece of chocolate is left. Sparkling Red is standing by the kitchen door looking blissful... she's got chocolate smeared all over her face.

R.E.H.: "You ate them all? How on earth did you manage to get them all?"

Sparkling Red: "I call my strategy Anticrastination."

Dana is watching it all, in awe.

Dana: "Here I was, building those same redneck memories for my son, who thought there was nothing better than having "Rhino" sign his cheap plastic checkered flag!"

R.E.H.: "Say what?"

She shakes her head and walks back to the bar. I go to the bar myself - I don't remember ever needing a cold Heineken as much as I did right then. Odd Facts is sitting there and I overheard her conversation with the bartender.

Odd Facts: "Bentham also wished for his body to be present at all board meetings, and tradition has it, that when there is a tied vote, Bentham votes favorably for the motion."

I ordered my Heineken. Butterfly Girl joins me at the bar, as I take a big swig of the cold beer and let it comfort me as it smoothly runs down my throat.

Much to my surprise, the clock struck midnight, and things were turned up a few notches. Everyone was shouting "HAPPY NEW YEAR!", champagne corks were flying through the air and it was a miracle no one was seriously injured. Confetti filled the air, and the party reached through the roof and brought back the moon. We were all having a fantastic time.

Butterfly Girl raised an oversized glass of champagne and shouted at the top of her lungs:

Butterfly Girl: "LIFE."

As the celebrations subsided, I see Jen coming out of the kitchen.

R.E.H.: "What are you doing in there?"

She points her finger into the kitchen. It is all cleaned up - spotless!

Jen: "Then, I did all the dishes from stuff that I threw away."

R.E.H.: "Aw, you didn't have to. I'm sure the hosts will appreciate it - but you missed the New Year celebrations."

Jen shrugs and returns into the kitchen. Guess she can't stop working all the time, with everything she's doing back home. I looked around, and realized I couldn't see Joel anywhere. I called him up on the cell, and he answered.

R.E.H.: "Joel! Why aren't you at the party? This place is a freakin' mad house!"

Joel began explaining it to me.

Joel: "Hence, I stayed at home and meanwhile I was able to quit most of my past habits and way of thinking but faced the worst thing; loneliness."

R.E.H.: "Well, next time - come to the party. Loneliness sucks. This is a New Year, and 2008 is all about happiness."

Out of nowhere, Mary P. Jones appears, raising her glass of champagne toward the ceiling.

Mary P. Jones: "I'm ready for happiness."

We all shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" into the phone.

R.E.H.: "See? You're not lonely. Here in Blogville, nobody's lonely - not ever!"

I left the phone on, as the party continued. I managed to have quite a few Heineken's, and the rest of the night is pretty much just a blur. That's the proper way to start a New Year!