Heartbroken...

Well, I just finished writing a lengthy blog, which was to explain my previous post, which consisted merely of the information that something was horribly wrong, and that my life was over.

Isn't it funny how when you are drunk your life is always over as soon as things doesn't quite go your way.

This situation is quite a heartbreaking one though, and the post I just finished writing (and then decided not to post) was full of heartbroken sorrow and self pity. I did start this blog to get things off my chest, but as I read through what I had written, I realized that maybe I shouldn't post that, as it was also full of things I might regret having said once this thing blows over.

Here is the jist of it though;

I am in love with this girl at work. Been so for quite some time, and while we are good friends, she does not have the same feelings for me that I have for her. This has been a problem for the both of us, and we handle it very differently. I do believe she genuinely wants to be my friend - but how can I live with that when I yearn for her loving every single second I look at her?

We were drunk the other night, and she kind of let me know in no uncertain way that she would never ever fall in love with me. A lengthy conversation ensued, and I left heartbroken with the desire to drown myself in the river. It was a 30 minute walk home in the rain that night, all of which is alongside the river... yet I stayed on the path all the way home, letting the raindrops fall off my cheeks hiding the tears that accompanied them.

I'm not a guy who usually falls in love, so when I do - it is a big thing for me. I can fall for women left and right - wanting their bodies, their lips and even sometimes their company (without the sex). But, I don't ever fall in love. This girl got me hooked though, like no one before her - and as far as I'm concerned... she's The One.

I'm still trying to figure out what I need to do not to lose her. I'm not sure I would handle losing her very well (which is a weird thing to say, as I haven't ever really 'had' her in any other way than as a friend). I wouldn't take that walk down to the river though, but depression for me has the tendency to leave me wallowing in self pity and apathy towards the world in general.

I'm a schmuck! Why do I hold on to my love for someone who does not love me back? But, I know exactly why. Every time I see that smile of hers, I melt like an ice cream cone on a hot summers day.