Laundry Day

Can't we all just agree to wear dirty underwear and call it the norm?

This isn't some hippie request, indicating that we should all embrace our filth and wear it with pride. No... it's nothing like that. It's not even an environmentalists wet dream to minimize water usage or save our planet from washing detergent pollution. Nor is it some perverted fantasy about the natural odor produced from our nether regions.

Plain and simple, it is a lazy man's request to eliminate the need to ever again have to wander down to the laundry room and waste a few hours of his life doing something he absolutely loathes.

Yep... that lazy man is me. I mean seriously... is there anything in this world that could possibly be more boring than doing one's laundry?

If I ever become a millionaire, the first thing I'd do is hire someone to deal with my dirty clothes... that way I could just scatter them around as I please, and never have to worry about it. In the mornings, after I take my shower, there would always be fresh smelling, clean clothes to put on - and I wouldn't have had to have done anything at all to make it so.

But, I'm no millionaire... far from it. There has to be a way... I've got it!

Disposable clothes!

Yes! Use'Em & Toss'Em would be the brand name. Wear'Em Once... Never Wash.

We actually sell a disposable raincoat at work these days. I never realized the sheer brilliance of that idea until today. This idea will make me rich, filthy rich - so I can hire me that clothes maid... wait... do I need to now?

Besides. Living in an apartment complex where we share a laundry room makes things even worse. Why on earth can't people learn to clean up after themselves? It drives me absolutely crazy. Dog owners are the worst (those that do not know how to tidy up, so just because you own a dog don't jump my bones - ok?). There are times I wonder if they stuck the actual dog inside the washing machine and gave it a spin-bath...

Makes me wish sometimes I had saved up all that hair I cut off of my head. Used to have really long heavy metal hair you know... up until recently. I could bring it to the dog owners apartments and spread it out in their socks and underwear drawers. Maybe, next time I shave my genital area I can save some pubic hairs, put them in an envelope and mail it to them. Install a tiny bomb that triggers when they attempt to open the letter, making it go poof! and spew the pubes into their faces.

Then, there are the ones who always seem to leave clothes behind. A sock, a pair of medieval used panties and various baby clothes. I recall someone saying to me after I commented her use of mismatching socks.

"It's the weirdest thing you know... but every time I do the laundry I end up missing a sock. Can't for the life of me figure out where they go."

Well, moron. They don't just mysteriously vanish, or cease to exist... you just leave them behind in the stupid laundry room! Simple as that!

I should install a washing machine in my apartment. That way I wouldn't have to deal with the other morons... nor would I have to save up two weeks worth of worn clothes and have to spend hours washing them all at once - I could simply chuck the clothes I wore today into the machine at night, and they'd be ready for me in the morning.

But, the only place I could put a washing machine would be in the bathroom. It's not big enough unless I get rid of the bathtub or accept the fact I'd have to put my legs inside of it whenever I need to take a shit.

You see how complicated everything gets? Just because we have to wash our clothes... so I ask of you again; Can't we all just agree to wear our dirty underwear and call it the norm?