I said that I was going to go a little "old-style" on you people this week, and blog a little bit about the current situation that I find myself in. As you regular readers have probably noticed, there has been a lack of posts that speak of what is going on in my life of late... well, let's have a peak, shall we - and I'm sorry I don't have too many good news to share.
Apart from the party happening this weekend, there really isn't anything fun to report.
I mean, as I lost my job, I thought of it as a good opportunity. I hated the place, and under no circumstances would I want to return to work there - I am still very pleased to be out of that hell hole.
But, what I have found out since I didn't have a place to go every day for work is this.
A) I have a tendency to fall into apathy. I am nowhere near as productive now that I should have all the time in the world to be that. I am not utilizing all this freedom to my advantage, and time flies.
B) When looking for a new job, I have only come to the conclusion that there isn't a single job out there that I would enjoy working at. At least not jobs that are available or jobs that I am qualified to do.
Now, I thought about packing up and leaving the country. Fucking brilliant idea (excuse the french, but I get emotional sometimes)! This is in fact the one thing that I really feel would be right for me at the moment. It is right for me if I am being 100% selfish, that is.
I'm still planning to go - but it won't be likely to happen until earliest at the end of the year - probably even next year sometime. In the meantime I need to save up a few dollars to get me started when I get over to the States. I mean, I'm gonna need some rent money, a car, and enough cash left over to feed me for two-three moths until I am sure I have a steady income... or, I could try to get a job from here and have that ready for me when I land. I wonder how that would work?
Either way... I could use some more savings before moving. I am not going to completely drain my current life savings for the move, because who knows the repurcussions I would suffer then! And, saving up money means I need a job, because what I get from the state is barely going to cover my bills. And, I'll probably be living off pasta and... well pasta and ketchup. Water on the side ;) Nah, it's not gonna be that bad... I'll probably be able to afford a bowl of freshly boiled rice every once in a while.
This job that I should get could be anything that pays a decent salary. I can't be too picky, but still I am faced with a few retail jobs as the only choice, and Lord knows I don't want to do retail again. I did see a sales job that would require a lot of travelling, and that I could do - I like to travel. Problem was, salary was only based on sales, no basic payment at all, and I've tried that before. That was the only job I ever had in which I actually lost money instead of made any. At least I got to stay at hotels for free for a month. In total, though, I'd lost about 2.000 dollars on that job in one month... so you can see my aversion towards these types of businesses.
Writing... journalism. This I could do, and I do believe I could do it well. A few years ago I even wrote a few pieces for the local newspaper, and I did a couple of movie reviews. But, try to get hired at a newspaper without a degree in journalism to show... not gonna happen.
So... should I go back to school? I guess - if I want to get a better job than your average junk piece of work. But, going to school right now is a waste of time and money. If indeed I am going to move, that is simply out of the question.
End result of all that I just wrote is - I really don't know what I want or what to do to get it. Not right now.
So, at the moment, I try to spend some time at the gym working out. I've thought about going out into the woods for a jog once every day, now that spring finally does seem to have arrived... I need a pair of jogging shoes for that.
So, yeah. Over all, I am a little down. Have been for a couple of weeks now, and it's taking its toll on my blogging as well. For some weird reason, it seems, getting a job and actually having less free time, would give me more time to effectively be productive and creative...
Apart from that, you might say that I am being a bit slothful at the moment... and we will probably have a little closer look at that tomorrow, as (fittingly enough) I will discuss the sin labeled Sloth of the 7 Deadly Sins series tomorrow.
April 23, 2008
Inside Looking Out
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39 comments:
Wow! Am I actualy the first commenter on a post?
I'll gave you a massage and that would at least make you feel better!
Jill: A massage is always good to perk up the mood... especially the erotic kind ;)
I have a TON more energy when I am working. Working gives you money to do what you want to do; it puts you on a schedule so you know when you will be doing things; but most important, it give you some sort of pride (even if you hate the job) about doing something that motivates you to accomplish other things.
I think you need a hug.
How bout going to school in the US?
Are you a citizen over there? Could you move to another European country and work if you wanted to?
It's funny. When you're not working you think you'll have all the time in the world to do things and then you get lazy and actually have less time. The structure of working makes you manage time better.
landon just quit his job yesterday. but for him, it was a good thing too. we had our usual taco tuesday, and then went out to celebrate his unemployement.
i think you just need to drink more. the party this weekend sounds liek a good opportunity to do that!
I don't know if you would be into the New York scene but if you would be interested in a sales position with a set salary plus commission we should talk some time. You wouldn't have to save up for a car ;) Just something to keep in mind.
Karen: Yeah, I think the schedule thing might be a big part of it all... now, when I get up in the morning I'm thinking I'm gonna do all this stuff... but, first I'm going to enjoy this ;)
Then, before you know it... you don't have the time to do what you had planned.
Jay: Oh, yes - I'm a US citizen. Always have been, always will be ;)
And, I can go anywhere inside the European Union and get a job too if I want to, but that doesn't really strike my fancy.
Tequila Mockingbird: Yeah, that's why I'm looking forward to the party too. And, to see some of my old co-workers that I still like... there are a couple I could do without that are probably coming as well, but what the hell - a few shots of whiskey and I'll even enjoy their company ;)
Knight: In NY I wouldn't even want a car ;) Driving there must be pure torture, and that's from a guy who loves to drive a car!
I would enjoy New York. But, as I said - currently I can't just up and go. Not until late this year at the very earliest!
Set salary + commission is ok, as long as the set amount is decent. I'd hate having a job where my main worry would be that I didn't make enough to pay my bills.
I am soooo glad to finally get a bloggie catch-up from you. I've been kinda' feeling it in the read you leave for us. [Uh-oh, do I sound like someone else? LOL]
The whole "too many options" can be freeing? And, scary.
"What if I make the wrong choice? What if I choose the wrong job? What if I relocate and then I HATE it?"
We can "what-if" ourselves to high levels of heart pounding anxiety almost to death...or the feeling of it.
Saving money is a good thing [I'm all "Dave Ramsey"]. I was paying my own way through school, working full time, paying my apt/etc. and living off of hot sauce and beer.
[Gotta' have beer to handle it all ;) and homemade hot sauce has lycopene, vitamin C, other good veggie stuff and the scovilles are good to release endorphines.]
I'm sure U'r probably worried about your Mom too. But, she would want you to be happy and successfull and very...happy, satisfied.
(You could always take her with you? Not sure how all that'd work for y'all, but you know what I'm saying.)
Take any job that gets you cash that you need.
My mom used to always talk about "shovanists" wanting their coffee brought to them. My take? Hey, if bringing the boss coffee is part of what earns me my paycheck? Sure, I'll do it! I'll even drink an extra cup myself on the way to the bank to deposit my check! :)
Anyhow, it's always easier from the outside looking in...(sometimes? It's a little clearer from out here too!
Love the photo op! Later Gator. Smooches {{huggies}}, ~~~~happy vibes~~~~happy vibes~~~~~
I think a big part of what ails you is what happens to anyone whose schedule is dramatically changed. We are very much creatures of our habits even if we don't realize we are. When I lost my job years ago I sat and stared a lot and found it very difficult to focus or make a decision. I wasn't depressed per se - it was more just numb and then confused.
It passes. Make sure to keep going out. Are there any professional groups you could look into or are already a member of? I know they're usually awful but you never know who you will meet - for sex or a job. Or to be paid for sex!!
I heart you and your brilliant mind. Have fun at the party. All will be well.
I will give a normal one to you no problem, but you will have to prove me that you are worth the kind that you want!;)
And I hope this time you will save me a drink!
Being a relatively new reader here, I'm not up on your shole story, but I know the in between times of working can be very stressful. Here's to hoping you find a solution that will be both economically beneficial and enjoyable for you.
Farmer's wife said EXACTLY what I would have said! I would suggest you put yourself on a schedule and stick to it. Sometimes that routine can be very comforting and liberating - you might even find it boosts your energy.
Getting started is always the hardest part!
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
when I got fired, I was a lost cookie for a few weeks. then I made myself a routine, stuck to it, and busied myself with things like starting a new blog, labeling and alphabetizing my cleaning supplies, learning linux, you know, the usual ;) I suggest making a routine and sticking with it.
“I have a tendency to fall into apathy. I am nowhere near as productive now that I have all the time in the world.”
You just noticed this recently? Have you read your own writing?
“I have only come to the conclusion that there isn't a single job out there that I would enjoy working at.”
That’s a comment on your outlook on life. I’ve had minimum wage jobs where I couldn’t wait to get to work. I’ve met the coolest people and had the best dates and hook ups at my low paying jobs.
At every low wage work place there are people. They exist behind and in front of the counter. If those people happen to be fun then the job will be fun. The shifts will fly by and your days will seem brighter.
There is one exception to this rule. If you sit around thinking: “this job is beneath me, I should be making more money, this is so embarrassing, I shouldn’t be here” you can either change jobs or change your mind. Any job with good people can be fun if you choose not to be “that guy.”
“I thought about packing up and leaving the country.”
If you run away to the United States you won’t be able to get away from your problems. You can’t run away from yourself. The problem isn’t where you are - it is who you are.
You might as well stand and fight where you are. What’s the point in spending money to relocate only to have to face your demons on unfamiliar ground with no ammunition? Fight where you are! Win the battle and then relocate. Don’t run away a wounded man. Walk away a winner!
“This job that I should get could be anything that pays a decent salary.”
If you look for a job that is “anything that pays a decent salary” you’re in for a big load of depression. The things you need in life have nothing to do with making money. Take a nice easy job and don’t take it so seriously. Show up and give them an effort equal to your pay. Save your energy to take care of your real problems one at a time.
“I really don't know what I want or what to do to get it. Not right now.”
You know what you want. We all know what you want. You write about what you want all the time. Let’s take it one step at a time. Get an easy job. Pick one life long problem. Let’s say dating? Solve it and move on to the next one. You can turn your whole life around in less than six months if you try.
You don’t need to go back to school. You don’t need to get drunk. You don’t need a shiny new anything. You don’t need to make excuses. You don’t need to go to the other side of the planet. These are all just attempts to put your problems on hold.
There is no pause button in life. You can’t rewind. If you want to fast forward to the ending a razor blade will do the trick. Press play and enjoy the show. You’re the star of the movie. What does the leading man do? He talks to women. Goes on a few dates. Finds a girl that right for him. He has adventures. Fights the bad guys. Falls in love. Kicks some ass.
You know what you need to do. You’ve always known what you need to do. Just go out there and do it. Are you scared? Or are you just lazy?
Farmer*s Wife: I know I wouldn't hate it if I moved, in a way at least. The thing that would/might cause me to regret the move is indeed my mother. If she were to fall ill or something, and I couldn't afford to come back and help her... that's what really scares me. She doesn't really have anyone else.
At the same time, I know that the things I want out of life aren't here for me. So I am pretty torn in the middle on this one.
Dianne: Surprisingly, against my prior beliefs, I would agree that we are habitual and that a set schedule isn't such a bad thing after all. But, one should be able to set such a schedule for one self as well, right? That's what I got to try to do right now.
And, getting paid for sex. Now, there's a job I could do! Providing that the sex is good... I know - I've got demands.
Jill: Being the sexy hunk that I am isn't enough to earn an erotic massage? What does a guy need to do? ;)
Save you a drink? Ok... I will!
Jeff B: Thanks. Well, to put the story short - I lost a job that I hated and meant to leave as soon as I could. I just didn't expect to lose it before I had another solution ;)
Dana: I've actually started trying to do that... set a bit of a schedule for myself. For one, I've started setting the alarm at 7:30 AM to get me up in the morning... and that's real early for a guy who likes to sleep 'til noon! ;)
If things get really bad, you could always give blow jobs for bus fare and then walk home.
But I'm pretty sure a job would beat that kind of work.
hehehe - beat.
Fortune Cookies: A routine is a very good idea, and one that I'm hoping to do... and stick by. One of my main goals right now is to hit the gym as often as possible, as well as start running. I've gained about 18 pounds of the 60+ that I had lost... can not let that continue!
Unsigned: There you are! ;) I was beginning to think you'd given up on me. LOL! Figured this post would get you out of your hiding if you were still lurking around, though...
You just noticed this recently?
No. I've noticed this for a while. During apathy however, one has a knack for ignoring it... one of the side effects of apathy itself.
On the jobs. I didn't say that a minimum wage job couldn't be a fun job to go to. What I said was there were no jobs that I would enjoy doing - and that includes well paid jobs. There is just nothing out there that I'm qualified to do that would make me a happy worker. Granted, it can be fun to go to work if you have good co-workers... that's what I had at my last job for the most part, and what kept me there for so long. However, I am the kind of person who wants to be inspired by the actual work as well.
The decent pay I mentioned, doesn't mean well paid. I need a job that is good enough to cover my expenses as well as leave me a chunk of money to put into the savings account each month. The way it is over here right now, a lower end job (not even minimum wage) leaves you hunting for change at the end of the month to buy a carton of milk. There's no way to save anything like that.
And... about the move. I'm under no illusion that a move would change who I am, or that I in any way would be running away from anything. I would simply be going where I've always wanted to go, but circumstance has prevented me from doing so.
It is, however, something I will have to do sooner or later - or I am very likely to end up a very unhappy camper.
You know what you need to do. You’ve always known what you need to do. Just go out there and do it. Are you scared? Or are you just lazy?
Agree. 100%!
And, the answer to your question is... both. I am afraid of what moving away would mean for my mother. I am also afraid what it would do to me financially - after all, I've worked pretty darn hard to pull myself out of poverty, which was how I lived for many years - and I don't want to fall back. I am lazy too... because I know if I really put some effort into things I am the kind of guy who usually pulls it off... whatever I set out to do.
But, honestly... right now I don't know what to fight off first... the fear or the laziness!
Mike: If you'd seen the bus drivers in this town, you wouldn't even have made that joke ;)
You know - a few years ago, I was thinking about getting a licence to drive the busses... then I found out the hours they work. They can go on for three hours at 6AM, and then have three hours off before they get back to work at noon and work till 9 or 10PM... Every day, every week... those hours are just not right...
No wonder they're so cranky. Thank God I got a car, and don't have to ride a bus unless I'm flat out drunk and want to head to the bars.
I've just tiny little bit of you, once every blue moon... I want to see you entirely and clearly!
And what ndo i want more than an hunk? You could be the man that i found more physicaly attracted to, but if the personnality doesn't come along...You are not worth my energy!(But don't worry, you seems to have a great personnality!)
I feel for you, it's a tough spot to be in & draining if you stay too long in it. You know when you're in the flow of work & connected on a daily basis to your own skills, the crises that spring up just aren't that intimidating & you put out the fires & get on with things. But when you're disconnected from that & the days tumble into each other & your thoughts/fears/reservations start to pile up...it can all seem like a mountain, with so much room to over-think & second-guess.
Once when I really wanted a job that on paper seemed out of my league, I didn't trust myself to be a dynamo with my interviews b/c I'd been out of the workforce for a while. So I took a few temp jobs first, to get back in the doing & quiet my fears with substance instead of pep talks.
Maybe if you take one of the easily available jobs with the perspective that it's a launching point, it could be a good thing...get you back in it, silence some immediate money worries, give you room to work a bigger strategy on getting some things that will really make you happy. You don't have to be chained to any job you take--you can change your mind at any time.
You're going to work this out, it's just snarly right now.
Jill: I think my personality is even sexier than my looks ;)
Jo: I think you just about summed it all up pretty darn nicely. I know I need to get any job, really any job at all...
I'm sure it will work out fine.
I used to bounce from job to job, looking for "the right one". I never stayed long. I was always looking for something better.
Then I got laid off from a job at the same time as a lot of other bad crap came down on me. I lost my momentum. Eventually I took a low-paying job just to give me a routine, because staying home was driving me crazy. That job, which was officially no good and was supposed to be temporary, led to my current one, the best of my life. I was promoted to manager, and now I'm comfy enough here that I may never leave.
It could happen to you...
Man I totally know the feeling. It has always been difficult for me to get jobs. I must not interview well or something, I really don't know. So the job I have now . . . I'm gonna hang onto!!
But I really feel ya. After I graduated college, it was 3 months before I was able to find the job I have now, and I really slid into a depression during those three months. I don't know that I could have been clinically diagnosed as depressed, but I was definitely down way more often than I was up. It was really difficult for me to even change out of my pajamas on a daily basis because I would think, "What's the point?"
Anyway, all that to say . . . what helped me, and could possibly help you - was making sure to change into regular clothes and getting out of my apartment as often as possible. Social interaction is something I really needed and, when I got it, always perked me up.
But, I am the kind of person who really thrives on social interaction, and I don't know if you are the same way. But I would encourage you to continue to go to the gym and do that run/walk in the woods and anything else that will at least get you out of the house and participating in Life.
I hope you know some of us have been there before and we are totally empathetic.
Em
PS Now for a little bit of a selfish comment . . . I have no outlet right now for the stuff that is going on in my head about the new guy in my life so I'm selfishly choosing to dump some of it on you here. I'm sorry for that but I know that you are just awesome enough to be okay with it. Anyway . . . I saw him again last night and he told me that he likes me but he's scared. I asked him what he's afraid of, and he said "getting hurt." It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that it dawned on me that I am actually scared too. I'm not asking advice or anything. It just hit me like a brick: "I'm afraid of getting hurt too" and I just needed to put it out there somewhere so that SOMEBODY else knows about it. It's not a familiar feeling for me. I'm usually willing to dive in, lay my whole heart out on the line, and just see what happens, for better or for worse. Anyway, you'll probably see some version or other of this crop up on my blog when I actually decide to write about it, but for now . . . I had to put it out there. Thanks for your patience. :)
Why is it, that by the time I get here all the good advice has been given?!
*sigh* I give up, wanna see my boobs?
Ok, I'm jumping on the next plane to Sweden!
Sparkling Red: Actually, I would say that the job I just had was probably the best job I've ever had... well, I did enjoy my stay at a gas-station where they wanted to make me manager, but I wasn't there long enough for the place to start choking me.
The scary thing is that I can't think of ANY "regular" job which I would enjoy...
Emmeline: I do enjoy a lot of "me-time", and have never had a problem being alone - but I do need to be social ever so often as well of course - everyone does.
Getting a good routine is the key here, and not fall into the "I've got all the time in the world... I can do that later". That's the thing that gets you.
Oh, and it's okay to talk about you here too... this space is reserved for casual convo ;)
Getting into a relationship will always put one's heart at risk. For some of us it is more treacherous than for others. If you remember much of how I fared with The One, and how afraid I was that she would end up hurting me. I'm not sure he's making the right move telling you he's afraid though (sounds like something I might do when my brain cells go on their famed coffee break).
But, afraid or not, you can't let something possibly great slip you by because you're worried it will get you hurt.
Leighann: Who needs good advice when there are boobies to stare at?
Jill: Wait! Which airport? What flight? When does it land? You know... Sweden can be a pretty scary place to get lost in! Lots of vast forests filled with dangerous moose and deer!
Not much different from here, so I guess I will find my way out of the forest...
But after a long flight like that, I would need a bed to rest in!;)
Jill: Granted!
But would you let me sleep, that is the question?
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I hope something comes along to make you feel inspired soon, REH :)
Ya know...I can't add anything new to what's already been said. All I can say is when the time is right things will happen for you. In the mean time I'll be sending you sunshine wishes and snugglie squeezers....with a wee bit of chocolate on the side. ;)
Oh...and don't forget your daily chant..."reh ROCKS-reh-ROCKS"...repeat several times a day for good measure. xo
Okay, Honey, I have been gone way to long. I want you to know inspite of the situation that you are in, you know and you have stated it! So I am not worried about you... I know that you somehow will rise to the occasion.
School is a great! I would love to open a magazine or newspaper and see your name written by the article.. HEY your own book! I will read it til the pages fall out just because it is yours!
Don't get down there is more instore for my boo!!!
Unsigned: A family connection is something that is indescribable and i am sure HE knows what would happen if he moved from him mother at this time without really preparing her for it. YES he is a big boy, at the same time begin scared is something we all go through when we go to the unfamiliar. We still stand tall and do it, if it is best for us! NEWAYS!
Boo, Take your time,and plan carefully this is YOUR life noone else.!!
SMOOCHES!
Jill: Sleep will be the furthest thing from your mind at that point...
Guilty Secret: Thanks. I'm sure I'll bounce right back soon enough.
TT: reh ROCKS-reh-ROCKS reh ROCKS-reh-ROCKS reh ROCKS-reh-ROCKS
Yeah, that works! Thanks ;)
Brand New: What? No more Single In The City? I liked that nick...
And, Thanks - for believing in me and sticking up for me. Makes a guy feel better about himself right there ;)
A roadtrip would probably do you some good.
Ginormous Boobs: I love road trips! One of my #1 dreams is to drive a car across the States... or why not the entire world ;)
It is a chance, then, you never saw the picture of me!:P
Jill: Now who's showing low self esteem? ;)
I misread you last time! I thought you wrote you said that the last on YOUR mind was sleep!
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