January 16, 2008

Giving Answers...

I will do this in the same style that I did the post where you submitted the questions. Torture will be the thematic driver in this "story". Please note, that I do not think that any of you are as evil as you may be portrayed here. At least, I sure hope you're not! This is just to do it a little differently than simply listing the questions and answering them one by one.

Ok... I'm just going to step in and add a few lines here. I've just finished answering all those questions, and that was a lot of questions! I had fun doing this, but I very much doubt I will ever do it again... hehe. If I do, I will limit each of you to just one question. I'm completely exhausted.

Alright... lets get on with it - this is a looong post.


I've been strapped to a chair in the basement. It is your own private torture chamber, and you want some answers. Vlad the Assassin has tied me up good, and I'm left defenseless and completely at your mercy. Please go easy on me... I promise to answer each and every question as truthfully as I can.

Alli begins the questioning. She takes out a pair of tweezers and starts plucking my chest hairs one by one.

"Do you have any birthmarks & where?"

"No! Not a one... nothing noticable, I swear!"

"What's your favorite color?"



"Ouch! Ok, ok... Black! My favorite color is black"

"Do you have any weird nicknames?"

"I used to be called Farmer Boy by evil kids back in school - this was on account of me wearing an orange cap once... it had a print of some tractor model or something, I don't remember. I thought it was cool - others did not agree... In a band I sang for (growled for?) I was known as E.P. Bag... still don't quite know what that means!"

RockDog steps forward with a v-shaped Fender Stratocaster plugged into a 400 Watt amplifier strategically placed right by my ear. He starts ripping an ear shattering high-pitched solo into my ears.

"Oh, please... stop!"

"Will the blogosphere survive if they start testing Bloggers for steroids and other blog enhancing substances?"

"That depends! If by blog enhancing substances you refer to beer, whisky, vodka, gin, bourbon or tequila... that will be the end of blogging as we know it. Steroids? Nah, I'm pretty sure we all have the strength to hit the keys with our fingers with or without the use of steroids."

Leighann steps forward, confidently.

"The name of your bank and your PIN?"

"No way I'm telling you!"

She realizes she forgot to bring any useful tools for inflicting serious pain... she stomps off. I'm sure she will return.

TT is next in line. She comes at me with a jar full of leeches - I can only imagine what she plans to do with those should I not answer her questions.

"Are you content?"

"Content? Content with life? Yes, I suppose I am. But, things could be better!"

"Boxers or briefs?"


She starts unscrewing the lid of the jar.

"Boxers! I can't stand briefs... I need me some room down there!"

"Do you have tattoo's?"

"No... want one though. Been thinking about getting one for the past 15+ years - just haven't decided on what I would decorate my body with for the rest of my life."

"Have you always been an open person?"

"I would think so, yes. I've always had a bad case of "Ramble Mouth". I tend to say more than I should sometimes."

"Do you like keeping us dangleing?"


She places a leech smack-dab on to my left nipple.

"Whoa! You mean if I like to leave you dangling waiting for the next installment of "Rubicon Heart"... No, no, I swear! That's not what I'm doing. I'm as eager as you guys to get that out there. I'm just having a hard time finding time and the right way to do it... soon it will be there - I promise you that. I might like to leave you with a bit of a cliff-hanger in there though - but that's just to make sure you'll keep coming back reading the damn thing!"

Jill steps forward. She starts pulling the leech off of my nipple... the skin elongates comically, and painfully as she does.

"What is your bra size??"

"I... ouch... I... I am a dude! I don't have titties, and as such do not require a bra!", I lower my voice so that only Jill will hear the following. "If you really want to know... whatever size is needed to hold small cantaloupes."

Next up is Samantha K. She grabs me by the hair and pulls my head back. Moving her face close to me and planting sharpened fingernails deep into the skin of my throat she speaks:

"What is your favorite flavor/color of skittle?"

"I'm not sure I've ever had any Skittle. What flavors and colors do they come in?"

"Who have been the most influential people in your life? In both negative and positive respects."

"I would have to go with my momma on positive influence. While she's had her troubles in the past, she was always there to teach me to be independent, and caring, and gave me all the love a mother should give her child. Negative influence is tougher. I don't think I'm all that receptive to negative influence... but I think my cousin Andy was the one who got me into drinking and smoking when we were younger... however - with or without him - I'd have done those things anyway. You could, however, say that My First Love had a very negative influence on me... but you'll learn more about that in Rubicon Heart."

"If you could play for one MLB team, which one would it be, and what position would you play?"

"The Braves, girl! Is there any other team worth playing for but the Atlanta Braves?! I would play 2nd Base... I started out as a pitcher when I played, but in my first real game on the mound I didn't make it out of the first inning... people were hitting me left and right - after that I decided to play in the infield, and I was very comfortable with my role on 2nd... hmmm... come to think of it... seeing as I suck at playing, maybe I should sign up for a rival team instead and mess up their lineup!"

"Will you go out with me?"

"Sure, babe. I know of this great place downtown. It's got great service... I think it's called McDonald's. You ever heard of it? We could even share a straw!"

Jay grabs an old steel tool box and sets it down on the table beside me. He pulls out a power drill and fires it up, holding it close to my eyeballs.

"Okay, I know that you have mentioned a few times about your growing up wanting to be a screenwriter/director make documentaries and stuff like that... So my question is why don't you just up and do it? Why don't you toss some ideas around and put something together? Maybe just up and move to Hollywood dude?"

"Gee, man! That's a tough question to answer! Good one! Oh... ok - here goes. Believe me, when I say that I want to just take a chance and move to Hollywood or something and try my very best at making it... big or small-time, doesn't really matter, as long as I could make a living out of it. I always meant to do it - and parts of why I never did, will be explained in Rubicon Heart... yes, my love life had a major impact on the failure of that particular career. I believe that it's only been lately - the last couple of years that I've started believing in myself enough, again, to start writing and putting some ideas together. Time is the factor that prevents me from finishing any decent scripts lately. A couple of years ago I started working with a promising local director, and I was really optimistic about that whole affair. We made a short 15 minute horror film together, which I wrote the script for, and planned to make a full length feature after that. It is now two years since he shot the material for that short film, and I am still to be presented with the finished article. If 15 minutes takes that long to edit - what would it take for a full 90 minutes? Too bad, because the guy is very talented, and has great connections. I will probably expand on this in a post of it's own..."

Then, Jen comes forward with a paint roller in her hands. It is dripping saltpeter as she nears me.

"How tall are you?"

"Six foot one"

"Is writing & having published a book in your future?"

"I would like to think so, yes. But, I'm more into screenplay's than novels these days."

"What is it that you really want to do in life?"

"A lot of things. But, writing and directing movies is definitely one of the most desired things I want. I would also love to take up acting again."

"Who/what are you most thankful for?"

"My mother... and my health. I've not lead a perfect life, yet I am still healthy (so far), so I am very thankful for that."

"Why did you start blogging?"

"Now there's a really interesting question. One of the reasons was my desire to write. I'd heard of blogging, and one day I was just sitting by the computer, feeling bored, and I looked it up. I came across the Blogger website, and the sign-up screen was drawing me in... I looked at it, and thought - is this something I could do? I could write about things that I can't talk to my friends about... there's a lot of stuff I could get off my chest. I could ramble on about trivial things that have caught my attention, or heavy shit that is bringing me down - and I can be totally anonymous! I signed up... and now I'm hooked. I never planned, or thought about it... it just sorta happened on a boring day."

Sparkling Red takes over. She's brought her jumper cables with her, and fastens them on to my ears. The other end is connected to the engine of a monster truck. She sits behind the wheel holding up the monster truck keys. I hear the sound as she puts them into the ignition.

"What are you most proud of in your whole life?"

"Damn... I'm thinking about this, and I can't really say that I'm proud of anything. Isn't that sad? Maybe, though, I could claim to be proud of who I am and what I've become - even if I'm not everything that I wanted to be. I am who I am, and I have no desire to change that - you know... who I am on the inside!"

"What's the meanest thing you've ever done?"

"I'm a pretty nice guy... so I've not done a lot of mean things. In my teens though, while I was a bit of a delinquent, I remember once throwing a rock through someone's window. I was drunk as hell, and had just gotten my ass kicked by some guys, so I was really frustrated and took it out on some unsuspecting innocent family... I still feel bad about that"

"What do you think is your best feature, physically?"

"You're speaking to a man of very low self esteem... seriously. I've heard positive comments about my eyes, though... so I guess they're alright"

"What's your oldest memory?"

"I think when I was about 3... I had this plastic pony on wheels, and was riding it down a slope in the street... I hit the curb and slammed my face onto the pavement. Something like that... it is blurred, but I definitely remember that plastic pony and hitting the pavement. I've heard of people who claim to remember their own birth... I don't really have many solid memories until I was at least 5 or 6 years old."

"What do you think is the weirdest thing about you?"

"I think I am all about weird... hehe... No, the weirdest thing about me would have to be that I become obsessed with what I do. I don't ever do anything lightly - if it is to be done, I'll do it all the way - for better or for worse."

Preposterous Ponderings rips the jumper cables off of my ears, and guns the engine of a chainsaw. It roars at me as she stabs it in the air towards me.

"Will we ever get to see more than bits and pieces of you in pictures?"

"I don't know. Possibly. For the time being, I'm just going to keep on teasing you all with just giving a hint of my appearance."

"How will we ever know if you make it big if we can't see what you look like?"

"I will dedicate my first Oscar to the readers of Ramblings Of A Madman."

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Sort of... I'm curious about it. I would love to spend a night in a haunted house or something, it would be very exciting. However, if I were to see the apparition of a spirit or ghost, I'm pretty sure I'd end up with a pants-load of poo-poo and a severe case of temporary asthma."

"Quickie at night or Afternoon delight?"

"Both... I'm always up for some lovin'."

"Do you wax your back?"

"Uhm... no. I'm all natural man... except... I do take care of the hair... down there, sometimes."

"Will you Marry me?"

"Oh, baby - I love you and all... but can't we at least date for a while first? Besides, if I marry you - I hope you're okay with polygamy."

Jill comes back and takes the chainsaw from Preposterous Ponderings. The spinning blade comes dangerously close to my nether regions.

"Did you thought you will get marriage proposal or been ask on a date through this questionning?"

"No... if only I'd known it was this easy, I'd have done it more often."

Beautifully Profound takes her turn. She's brought a carton of soy milk with her, and pours a glass, holding it close to my mouth as squeezes her fingers tightly around my nose.

"What was you favorite cartoon as a child?"

"Tom & Jerry... no doubt! I still love to watch Tom & Jerry cartoons!"

"What is your dream car?"

"I've always wanted a 1958 red and white Plymouth Fury, which is the car in Stephen King's Christine... awesome car. I also like me a black Pontiac Firebird, or a Trans-Am. Could I be any more eighties if I tried?"

"What's the oddest thing you've ever eaten?"

"I'm pretty picky about my food. It takes a lot for me to try something strange... fried squid? It was odd until I tried it... now I love it."

Karen walks up, produces a sharp razor blade and threatens to cut me with it.

"If you had to be on a reality tv show, which one whould you choose?"

"I hate reality TV... but wasn't there one with porn-stars in it? I think I could live with being locked up with a bunch of hot porn-star chicks for 100 days... Big Brother is like that, though - so I guess I'd sign up for that... if I can have sex on national television, it should be a fun experience. So, I guess I'll have to sign up for it in some European country... there hasn't been any live sex in the American version, has there? I've never watched any of them though..."

"What is favorite type of junk food?"

"Pizza! Seriously... I'm not sure I'd think life was worth living if I wasn't allowed pizza every now and then!"

Lakota Princess is the next in line to question me... Yep! No surprise there... she's brought the whip, and cracks it loudly in the air close by me. I'm excited and terrified at the same time...

"What are your sexual fantasies?"

"Oh... baby... ehm... I have many sexual fantasies - don't we all. I can't possibly list them all, but lets just say I have a particular interest in LOTS of women... meaning LOTS of them at once, wrangling, slithering and pleasing one another while I would just do my best to keep up with it all and try to please them too. I will speak to my therapist about that one..."

"Which ones have you fullfilled?"

"Only a fraction of them... sadly. I have a lot of work left to do - that's the good part about that!"

"Which ones have you been too nervous to ask to be fullfilled?"

"To be allowed to film my partner as she masturbates..."

"Kinkiest thing you've ever done?"

"Boy, my sex life must've been boring... It all depends on what you define as kinky, I guess. I've never done any of the weird stuff, because it doesn't appeal to me. I have tried a little bit of role playing and I've scratched the surface of bondage, but never really gotten into it. I have a thing for baby oil, though - nothing like a hot female body all slippery and glistening."

"Your favorite part of a woman's body?"

"I love every part of a woman's body! Especially the waist, the belly, her ass, tits and a cute face will go a long way towards turning me on. Of course, I have a special affection for the vagina as well - they can be very, very pretty too."

"What turns you off during sex/intimate moments?"

"When the girl suddenly, in all seriousness, asks me to hit her 'til she bleeds... that has actually happened to me once. And, I don't like girls that only take and doesn't give."

Leighann returns, and this time she isn't empty handed. She's got a twelve gauge double barrel shotgun, and she shoves it right in my face.

"Give yourself a Superhero name and what would your powers be?"

"I would be 'The Romanticizer', and my powers would be to captivate the heart of all the pretty girls on the planet. They would do anything I ask them to do... hey! Who said superheroes always have to do good for other people?"

Casdok steps forward with a blow torch and lights it up. I can feel the heat of the flames.

"Do you get enough?"

She shows me her website, and contrary to my initial thought - that she wondered if I got enough sex - her question pertains to hours of sleep.

"Not anywhere near enough! That answer works for either meaning of that question, but as for sleep - that is something I am starting to seriously think of getting medical assistance to help overcome."

Jo walks up to me with the ever popular cigar cutter. She pulls my pinkie finger out from my clenched fists and tightly squeezes the cigar cutter onto it.

"What are 3 things you'd like to do in your life?"

"For one, I'd love to travel to every country in the world. I love to see new places! Another thing is write and direct a Hollywood feature film. As the third thing I'd like to do in my life... I'd like to go to the moon. Once I've visited all the countries - I would love to set foot on the moon, or any other planet in space. Yeah - space travel is what I would want to do... imagine the sights to be seen!"

"What would you pick for your last supper?"

"Oh, crap! If I knew I were about to die, I'm not sure I'd have much of an appetite to be honest. I think, I would try to eat a final juicy, medium to rare steak with baked potatoes, garlic bread and an ice cold Heineken... I'm afraid I wouldn't enjoy it much... so you might just as well serve me a plate of grits and beans."

Real Live Lesbian starts to play with a dull, rusty kitchen knife. She traces the blade along my face, with a wicked grin on her face.

"Were you ever with a boy/man?"


"Do you think there is anything that would make you consider dating a man in the future (hence, being somewhat gay)?"


"Why or why not?"

"I guess I was just born one hundred percent heterosexual. I love women too much to waste my time on men... you should understand, right? Women are surely soo much sweeter in the sack... If I were a woman, however - I would be one hundred percent lesbian... no question there!"

Odd Facts comes rushing to take her turn. She's proudly takes out the mediaval thumbscrew she's found at the Torture Device Museum.

"If you had to choose one disease/condition to have, what would it be. For example, color blindness, Hypertrichosis, synestheia? And why."

"Hmmm... I didn't know any of those diseases, except for color blindness of course, so I had to look them up. I love werewolves and vampires both, but werewolves are a not quite as attractive as vampires... that's why I will go for the synestheia... besides - vampires live eternally."

Newt brings some barbed wire and starts wrapping it around me, tightly.

"Blond, Brunette or Redhead?"

"Blond! At least, that is what I always claim... but looking back at it - most girls I've really thought were attractive have been brunettes. Redheads can be really hot too. So, to answer truthfully - I couldn't really care less what color hair they have as long as they treat me right."

"What is the best thing about where you live?"

"The people I know here... seriously. If it weren't for them I'd have been long gone ages ago!"

"What is the worst thing about where you live?"

"There's really nothing exciting to do here. It's a rather small city of about 90.000 people, and I'm more of a big city kinda guy."

"Will you be my blogger valentine?"

"I thought I already was... guess I'll have to try harder from now on..."

Just as Vlad the Assassin begins to untie me from the chair, allowing me to escape the torture chamber, Dana comes rushing in, panting heavily as she quickly pours a can of gasoline all over me and lights a match.

"If you knew there was no way you would get caught, what illegal thing would you do?"

"Oh, this one I've actually thought a lot about... hehe. I would rob a bank for millions of dollars. That's what I would do, because if I had all that money - there's so much in life I could do that I can't afford right now. I would think this is the most common answer to that question."

Then, finally, I'm being released from my restraints and I get up and stagger towards the exit of the torture chamber. Before I leave, I turn around and face those of you who inflicted so much pain on my poor body.

"That was a lot of information for one day... it was fun, it was exhausting, and I don't think I will ever do it again... phew!"

I then leave, closing the door behind me.


Dana said...

WOW! That really was AMAZING! And by the way, any man who would include grits in his last meal is one hell of a guy!

Jen said...

You're good! REALLY good! Amazing answers & awesome that you took the time to answer all of them. I could see where it would be exhausting & that you'd never want to do that again.

Good stuff, for real!

Leighann said...

I love that the torture chamber was big enough for all of us AND a monster truck!!

And I love that I got to wield a double barrel shotgun! Right on!

In all seriousness, you're really creative! I love reading what you come up with!

Alli said...

WOW! That must have taken quite awhile!

Very amusing & informative!


Karen said...

very entertaining way to present the answers. Good job!

Casdok said...

Great post!

Maybe if you got enough you would sleep better!

R.E.H. said...

Dana: Thanks... I hate grits, but like I said - for a last meal I doubt very much I'd dedicate a single thought to what I put in my mouth... and, now that came out sounding horrible!

Jen: Thank you. I'm just back having made myself dinner, trying to pull myself together... it was excruciating ;)

Leighann: Yeah, I kinda envisioned a large parking garage or something. With all of you in a crowd at one end, awaiting your turn, me all alone on a chair in the middle - Vlad the Assassin in a hooded mask behind me waiting to snap my neck if I wasn't obedient.

Alli: It took all friggin' morning! And I had other plans for today!

Karen: Thank You. Hope you were satisfied with the answers to your questions.

R.E.H. said...

Casdok: You may be on to something. If I got some before bed-time, I wouldn't have to lie around in sexual frustration half the night...

Jay said...

Good Lord that must have taken forever to do. Great answers man. Very interesting.

Kell said...

Wow! That was great. People had some really good questions for you, although their tactics were a little forceful. ;-)

Samantha_K said...

That was a really involved process. You'll find mine tomorrow to be much simpler. No storyline...hey, I've got a headache.

You've never had Skittles? For serious?
Brotha, get to a convenience store and "Taste the Rainbow"!

Newt said...

Wow, that was fantastic. Nice job! I'm blown away impressed. I guess I was too shy to hope you were already my blogger valentine. *blush*

R.E.H. said...

Jay: Good Lord... lol! Yeah, it did take a long friggin' time.

Kell: I know... I'm still hurting all over after that.

Samantha K: Headache - hey! That's your theme right there.

"I'll give you this aspirine if you tell me..."

Nah... lame!

If I see any Skittles, I'll buy them - just for you!

Newt: Well, maybe I was too shy to let myself think you'd want me to be your blogger Valentine.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Excellent job with the questions. Damn, I'm sorry to have missed it.

Elle said...

BAH! I go of into the real world for a few days, and what? I miss the Spanish Inquisition... oh, where did I put my riding crop? Must be in that hair suit... dern.

Very funny and enjoyable post, although I didn't get to ask a question... and now I can't think of any. Oh yeah, when is Rubicon Heart gonna be out?

Jill said...

I didn't get enough playing time!!
And what are you waiting to get that tattoo??
If you are 6 foot 1, I cannot consider you as short!(I'm 5 foot 3!)
I seriously thought brown would be your favorite color!!
And you should have a better self esteem!!
And I guess that you hate soy milk!
Goodnight 'The Romanticizer', get enough tonight!

R.E.H. said...

Lightning Bug's Butt: Those who missed it this time, will very likely have missed it indefinitely. I'm NEVER doing this again! I think ;)

Elle: Spanish Inquisition ;) LOL!

Rubicon Heart, Chapter One is currently scheduled for either this Friday or Monday next week.

Jill: The tattoo, yes. I've been thinking a scorpion... since I'm a Scorpio, and it symbolizes sexuality - but where should I put it?

The soy milk for torture was in reference to something she posted about on her blog. I do think it has a terrible taste.

Won't be getting any tonight... either sex or sleep it seems. The One blew me off earlier today, as we had initially planned to get together...

Jay Cam said...

ouch! you are getting barbed wire wrapped around you!!

i gots a question..

how much times have you been punched in the face?

Anonymous said...

Um, yeah, I'd say you did open yourself up there. This was awesome...and odd...O_o

Beautifully Profound said...

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC REH. Seriously bravo!

Jo said...

I loved it! That was a ride worth taking. Aw, I wouldn't threaten you with a cigar cutter--yuckadoo, way too messy! Here's hoping you get to the moon & find a bunch of slippery Martian chicks :P

Lakota Princess said...

Oh baby, that ROCKED! Lots and lots and lots of women, eh? Mmmm.... I'm sure that could be arranged. Now step closer so I can check you over, inch by careful inch to ensure there was no lasting damage from the inquisition. I'll use my lips, shall I?

tt said...

Awww, you showed us some more of you. Actually a lot of you. I'm impressed. I don't get the low self esteem part. only because you "seem" to have it together. Of course, we all do on a blog right?
You rock.
Will you be my friend?

Anonymous said...

You've never tried Skittles?

Dude, taste the rainbow!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

crap, i guessed i missed the boat on this one. i'll ask you one anyway, do you have any tattoos, and if not, can i get my name tattooed on your butt?

Anonymous said...

What a creative way to answer questions! I would have just done it the boring way. Haha. So good job. You deserve a long break now. (You can use it to read my latest post!) :)


R.E.H. said...

Jay Cam: That was an odd question... well - not that many times, actually. I'm a pretty fast runner ;)

Pookie Sixx: Guess I'm beginning to be more and more comfortable sharing stuff in this blog... where'll this end?

Beautifully Profound: Thank You!

Jo: Maybe Martian chicks are slippery by default... no baby oil needed? That would be awesome!

Lakota Princess: Let me know when you've got that all set up for me, and I'll just dive right in!

And... it still hurts a little... right here.

R.E.H. said...

TT: A blog is great, because you can be who you want to be, or who you whish you were, but maybe can't be IRL because of different reasons.

Butterfly Girl: I better put my shoes on and go get some of them Skittles!

Tequila Mockingbird: TT covered the tattoo question... After 15+ years of trying to figure out what it should be of... here you are! Tequila Mockingbird on my butt! Brilliant!

Emmeline: Thanks, I did need a break after that one. And I will read up on your new post ASAP!

fiwa said...

DAMN! R.E.H., how could you do this while I was gone?! Though I will admit, I'd be hard pressed to come up with a question that someone else didn't ask.

I was HOWLING at the soymilk part. You are such a creative person, I like to think all this blogging is just helping you grease the wheels to get out there and do what you are REALLY meant to do - write. Screen plays or whatever. Just don't forget us, kay?


R.E.H. said...

Fiwa: I would've enjoyed you torturing me, so I'm sorry this all went down when you were away. I didn't get anyone to use my personal favorite - skinning me with a potato peeler!

Thank you, you really lifted my spirits with this comment.