January 19, 2008

Irritable Ramblings

Rubicon Heart Update:
Did you ever feel like you were out jogging one beautiful morning, and everything was just perfect. Each step feeling light, and the scenery around you breathtakingly beautiful... and then suddenly you trip and fall face first into Poison Ivy?

Well... that's pretty much what's happened to me on the "Rubicon Heart" story. I'm trying really hard to finish that next installment for you all, and I promise to have it out there soon. I'm planning on posting Chapter One on Monday. Let's hope I can find the strength and energy to complete it by then.

The One Update:
I was convincing myself that things were better there for a while. That we were getting along just fine, and that maybe - somehow - I would be able to get close to her once again. The way things used to be before the big L-O-V-E issue came between us.

I think now I may have been fooling myself on that one. I'm starting to realize that I am the one who's doing everything for her, and not getting a damn thing in return. I'm starting to feel like she doesn't really give a rats ass about me, my needs or my feelings. I am only there for her whenever she needs me to be... and if I were to ask something of her - well, she'll probably have other things that require her attention.

Because I've started to think of our friendship like this, I've been very irritable the last few days. This is probably one of the reasons I'm having a hard time with the Rubicon Heart story, because it was aimed to address the whole thing between me and The One, which I am now beginning to realize is not a story which will either have a happy ending, nor an open ending which would allow for a sequel. I'm beginning to worry that me and The One is nothing more than a closed chapter.

Maybe I could come to terms with the fact that she doesn't love me like I love her, but I don't know if I can keep seeing her when I don't feel like she cares about me as a friend either. I need her to love me one way or the other - romantically or simply as a friend.

It took me fifteen years to truly fall in love again... how long before I'm ready to open myself to those feelings again?

Fuck My Job:
Irritable doesn't even begin to explain how I feel at work these days. I came very close to just walking out the door once again today. I was aimlessly wandering the warehouse all alone, looking at the mess around me and I thought:

What if I'd just walk out the door right now? What if I just went home, packed my belongings and bought a one-way ticket to Hollywood? I'm not a young dude anymore - this is what I should have done 15 years ago... but as you will find out in Rubicon Heart, other things were happening in my life back then. I simply cannot do this crap for much longer, or I'll end up in a padded cell at the Institution for the Savagely Insane.

When you add the above negatives together, the end result is a severe case of insomnia. I've not slept well for at least two weeks now - so that part of my New Year's Resolutions is going straight to the frying pan.

It's even worse than I've experienced for a very long time. It's keeping me awake until 3AM at night, and I'm currently operating on 3 hours worth of sleep on average. That's no way to keep those creative brain cells in good condition.

Poker Annoyance:
Another result of all of this is that I'm now having a minor dispute with one of my best friends. One of my most dependable poker buddies, who will always show up when a game of Texas Hold'Em is on the table.

He sent me a text at work today, as we'd planned to play tonight - but we were a couple bodies short. So, he asks if I'd recruited any more players. I couldn't answer immediately, because I was working, right? So a couple of hours later he texts me again, letting me know that he is giving up on the idea of poker tonight because he's tired of waiting 'til the last minute every Saturday. I sent the following text back to him:


I've not heard a word from him since... no poker tonight - as you might've guessed.

Advice from the Subconscious:
I need to get some sleep and have some serious fun. Cheer up! Get your shit together! What good comes from sulking anyway?

Tomorrow is "Funday Sunday":
That concludes my depressive ramblings for today... tomorrow I'll be funny again - because I've scheduled Sunday's to be funny... Hardy-har!


Dana said...

You know you are good when your depressive ramblings are funny, and yours are!

tt said...

I second everything you said! I do hope your weekend is better. I'll send you some snuggly warm thoughts to keep you company in your journey.:)
( so are you really in Sweden?)

Karen said...

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I have had those moments where you feel like everything in your life sucks. You might just need a good nights sleep for a new perspective. Maybe you need to have a few cocktails and go to bed early. And just remember we all love you!

fiwa said...

R.E.H., you need a good night's sleep, my dear. How about a dose of benadryl? That knocks me out even when my mind won't shut down.

I don't want to say anything negative about "The One", because I'm sure she's a very nice person, but from things you've said in the past I always thought it sounded like she doesn't treat you right. You are such a great person, you need to find someone who appreciates you for who you are and doesn't take you for granted. If things with "The One" don't work out, don't close yourself off to love. Sorry, I'll get down off my Dr. Phil-amena soap box now. It's just that I want everyone to be as happy as I am with my spouse.

I hope your weekend gets better. Hang in there.

Jen said...

I was afraid of this happening with The One. It, unfortunately, is usually the way of things in situations like this. However, someone can tell you this 50-million times, but until you realize it yourself, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do. I'm sorry.

I say find a job you love - leave this one. It doesn't seem to be good for you.

Finally, re: your best bud; he'll come around. Guys have a way of telling each other to phoock off & then go grab a beer together. It's why I love men. If I did that to my best friend she'd divorce me forever.

Some days are just suckholes of shee-eet.

Jay said...

I think you should text your buddy back and tell him to meet you at the strip club tonight. A good time at the strip club always makes things better!

R.E.H. said...

Dana: Thanks. I don't think I consciously made it funny though - but a blog is a blog, and I don't believe in boring you all just because I'm in a bad mood.

TT: Warm thoughts much appreciated. Forgot to add to my ramblings that I was freezing my ass off at work too. It's windy as hell (storm a brewing), and close to freezing. And I had to be outside (without a jacket, which if I had any brains I would have worn) half the day.

(Yes... I am, btw)

Karen: Thanks, that's heartwarming. Right now - yes, I'm really in that place where I feel everything sucks.

Sometimes, a guy just wants to get away from it all and start a-new.

Fiwa: I'm against the use of sleeping pills, but if this keeps up, I might take you up on that offer.

I can see where you're coming from about The One, but I'll remind you all that I started blogging after the shit hit the fan. Because of that, I was never around to tell the stories of when things were great between us...

Thanks for the chuckle, too. I needed that. What made me chuckle, you ask?

Sorry, I'll get down off my Dr. Phil-amena soap box now.

Jen: I've been afraid it would come down to this myself, and I guess I've just been putting it off for as long as possible - because I really don't want it to end this way.

It's up to her now, there's nothing more I can do.

My friend, on the other hand... yeah, no worries there - he'll be around next Saturday for a game of poker. I've known the guy for (Wow!) 25 years... we've had our differences before - quite a few times.

R.E.H. said...

Jay: The strip club! Now that would actually cheer me up tonight ;)

I'm afraid, however, that I'm too damn tired to enjoy it, and might actually fall asleep during a lap-dance... if that doesn't explain just how tired I am - nothing will!

Anonymous said...

Remember when my Grandma came to my dream and I asked her what she thought?
She said, "There are a lot of fish in the sea." She was always a wise woman and I think you should heed her advice.
This girl makes you miserable!

Jay Cam said...

sounds like you are having a hard time!

i would reccomend trying eggs at people's cars as you hide behind a bush on a highway.

the fun will truly help you out!

and if you get in jail, at least you have a reason to skip work and get some sleep!

Beautifully Profound said...

Wait...what? You live in Sweden? Where the eff have I been? I thought you lived in New Jersey.

As far as "The One" goes you need to bring it down to ultimatum time again I think. You're just hurting yourself if you don't.

The job thing...well, just keep your eyes open, I mean you seem to be a hard worker. There has to be other job prospects out there for you. What's that saying, work to live not live to work...No idea if that pertains to the situation, but hell it sounded good!

The sleep thing, Tylenol PM. It'll have you sleeping like a baby, not up with your brain going millions of miles per hour.

Anyways REH I love yah! I have faith in yah. You're handling things fairly well for the stress you're under at the moment. Just cut loose and don't worry about pleasing anyone but yourself right now. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish to keep your sanity.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Yep, benadryl does the job for me, too. Give it a shot. It's legal and you'll feel much better in the morning.

Here's a big ol' lesbian hug for ya!



Feel better, mkay?

Newt said...

Wait, huh? Sweden? My internet valentine is in Sweden?

And, love, I gotta say it, you are WAY too good for her.

I like Jay's suggestion, get the poker guys together and go to a club.

Or, go buy shoes. That always works for me.

Jo said...

You're in Sweden??? I'm half Swedish, say hi to my peeps! Sorry you're in a bad way, R.E.H. You know Hollywood will take you whenever you feel like heading over. As for The One, you're on a journey, you'll know when you're done & the trick is listening to yourself when you get there. I've been desperate for sleep lately myself--going without gives everything a brittle edge; hope you get some ZZZs & get your groove back after :)

Sparkling Red said...

My heart goes out to you. It's the worst situation when you have ten million worries on your mind and you can't even get the relief of sleep.

I hope it helps knowing how many of us bloglins are rooting for you and wishing you well.

R.E.H. said...

Butterfly Girl: There may be a lot of fish in the sea, but I must be using a bad bait - because they scurry the heck away pretty fast when I come a-fishin' ;)

Jay Cam: I very much doubt I would sleep much in jail. I'd lay with my butt pressed up against a wall, protecting myself from becoming someone's girlfriend!

Beautifully Profound: New Jersey? Where'd you get that from? I'm pretty sure I've never even mentioned New Jersey in my blogging...

The One is currently given an ultimatum - though she doesn't know it yet. It is time she does the calling and asking me to come hang with her. I will not be crawling after her no more!

Jobs are really hard to come by around here, as we currently have about a 20% unemployment rate in Sweden (I'd think it's even higher, but they don't like to admit that). So, when one has a job - one better hang on to it with all that one's got!

Real Live Lesbian: Lesbian hugs... mmmm ;)

Not my first, but they're sweet - they don't try to grope me... wait - I like being groped! ;)

Newt: I hope that doesn't complicate things between us?

Shoes... I, for one, hate buying shoes. I buy about one pair a year, if that. I wear one pair of shoes until my toes are sticking out, and the soles are worn down so that water leaks in on a rainy day - that's my sign that I need new shoes ;)

R.E.H. said...

Jo: Then you and I have something in common - being half Swedish! Awesome! ;)

I'm starting to wonder if it may be time to take the next exit off The One Hiway. I'm starting to believe it doesn't lead to paradise like I thought it would.

Hollywood better welcome me with open arms when I get there ;)

Sparkling Red: Thank You. It sure helps to know that you Bloglins (funny word ;)) are there for me. It means a lot!

cardiogirl said...

Oh dude, as you know I have been in the padded cell and it ain't too bad.

But you should talk with your doctor about getting a sleeping pill just to get you back on track. Normally you take it for a week or so to get you into a sleep pattern again and then you stop.

You might find that helpful. Also, it sounds like you might be coming to the conclusion that The One is not really The One. Is there any other woman out there who tickles your fancy? Someone who might be interested back?

It just sounds like you are spending a lot of time on her and I am certain there has to be another woman out there who would love to have your full attention.

Just curious. I'll be quiet now.

R.E.H. said...

Cardiogirl: No need to be quiet - opinions of all sorts are welcome.

There really isn't another woman out there who draws my attention. Not in a romantic way anyway... I'm a dude - I'm cursed with thinking sexual thoughts on most attractive women my eyes come across, it's just the way us guys were intended to be, in a primal way.

Seriously - The One has caught my sole attention in that respect, and I've been blind to any other possibilities for quite some time. But, yes - I may be forced to open myself to that possibility after all.

Nice to see you here too, Cardio!

Jill said...

Come here, and I'll tuck you in! It might help you sleeping!!

And am I like the only person that Benadryl doesn't make her sleepy?

Anonymous said...

Hmm sounds like a rough weekend. I didn't have the best one myself. Hoping things get better (for the both of us) this next week!


R.E.H. said...

Jill: Thank You. That's sweet of you.

Emmeline: Yeah, I sure hope so myself. I have a killer work schedule this coming week, so the work part is going to be torture, but hopefully I'll sleep better and be able to cope with it.

Samantha_K said...

Love is hard enough when two people are committed. Make it a one-way street and it's damned near impossible to be happy.

Take it from a pro.

Hoping you've pulled out of the slump.

If you need anything, you know where to find me. I'm a very effective therapist via-email.


R.E.H. said...

Samantha K: Yeah, I'm sorta hangin' in there. It's better now.

Not great! But, I'm getting there... baby steps. I must remember that... baby steps ;)