January 24, 2008

Desperate Ramblings

My cellphone started ringing while at work today. I looked at the display and saw it was The One who was calling, so I answer.

"Hi. What are you doing?", she says.

There was something in her voice. Something I haven't heard in a long time. She sounded happy and excited. I haven't told you before about how I've sort of had the idea she wasn't so happy these days. Now, that wonderful tone was back in her voice, and I noticed it instantly.

"I'm at work", I tell her.

She tells me she's going to the gym, and wonders if I'll show up after work. I told her I'll be there, as I'd already decided to go there with my cousin Andy.

When I get there, I can see that she really seems vibrant today. She looks genuinely happy. I'm pleased to see her like that - at the same time I'm devastated... because I'm pretty sure, already, of what's going on.

She walks up to me in gym with that smile of hers. That smile that knocks me out every time... the one smile that always reaches into the deepest part of my soul and sends shivers of pleasure through it.

"I'm quitting my job", she says.

My heart sinks.

"So you've decided to leave?"

"Yeah! I'm leaving in two-three weeks"

She's leaving the country. She's going to Asia for the next 3-4 months... and I can't help but worry that I will never see her again after that.

But, she seemed so happy. That something which she had lost was back inside of her - it showed in her eyes. I should be happy for her, right? It is something that she really wants to do, and she's even throwing a potential career down the toilet to do this thing. I am being a selfish bastard, am I not?

I should've told her. Sounds great! You're gonna have a great time over there!... Instead. I chose to mutter, desperately and trying to make it sound funny.

"You can't just leave me here. All alone."

That was not a joke. I meant every word. And, she knows I did.

So... now I've got two or three weeks to convince her not to go, right? Of course, I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do that would make her stay... unless I kidnap her and lock her up in some wooden shed deep in the forest. I doubt that is they way to her heart, though.

Now... I'm thinking that my best option here is to make her feel good and happy about leaving too. I should be supportive and involve myself in conversations with her of how much fun she's going to have. She would appreciate talking about these things, right? And, by doing so - I do not put myself in a position where I would make her uncomfortable. If I try to convince her to stay, because I'm so desperately in love with her - that is one sure fire way of pushing her further away from me.

But, then again. It will be extremely difficult for me to maintain a happy looking face when talking about not seeing her for at least 3 or 4 months (which really isn't that long). But, that feeling that we will never see each other after she comes back is overwhelming.

Another thing, though. Maybe it will be a good thing for her to do. Maybe this is what she needs in her life right now, and maybe when she returns... I am a better fit for her plans and desires. But, I'm grasping at straws here... or I'm trying to find that one needle in the worlds largest haystack.

Then, I'm thinking. Maybe it's a good thing - for me! Maybe this is what I need. Not seeing her for a while, so I can turn my attention on other women for a change. As long as she's around, there just isn't anyone who will capture my attention... certainly not when she's with me. Perhaps this is what I need to allow myself to try my luck with other women... wasn't that one of my New Year's Resolutions, anyway? Yes it was!

Perhaps we both need some time apart. And if, when she comes back, we want to pick up where we left off - then maybe things will be better between us... regardless of how we will spend that time together.

But... right now. I'm just confused and desperate. I don't want to lose her. She really makes me feel so good, deep inside my heart, whenever she wants to. But, as you all know, she also has a way of making me feel miserable and sad and lonely.

Give it to me, people. Tell me I'm an idiot. Tell me to forget about her - move on! Or, tell me how I can make her stay here with me and love me until the end of our days...

Because, honestly! I don't have a clue... about anything, right now. The only thing I'm certain of...

The next two or three weeks are critical to the future of our friendship.


Dana said...

Let me offer you a "seasoned" female perspective.

I would have nothing but loving and kind thoughts for a man who supported me in a decision that was VERY difficult for him - especially if I were aware of his challenge (and I think she is).

I would feel little more than annimosity for a man who I felt was more concerned about how my actions impacted him, than he was with the opportunity the actions were giving me.

Being supportive of her is the most difficult thing for you to do, but it is the right thing to do (in my seasoned and oh-so-humble opinion).

Anonymous said...

Maybe the best thing you could do is to be supportive and make her feel good about the trip. You could also plan about staying in touch with the modest way of communication( emails, texts) and tell her how much you miss her when she is back

Time apart is in fact the test of relationship, true one's win it :)

Jay said...

Well, you could show up at her place holding a boom box over your head with "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel blasting away, but that's been done, I guess. ;-)

Seriously dude, sorry about your situation here. I know how difficult it is to deal with. I guess the only thing you can do is be supportive of her trip.

Maybe sit down with her and lay it all out there one more time. Not to get her to stay, but to let her know that you want her to come back and give you a real chance when she does come home.

Also, tell her you want updates on her trip so you know where she is and that she's safe. Is she traveling alone? Maybe help her look up some fun things to see and do at some of the places she is going to be visiting. Supportive stuff like that.

Loving Annie said...

She's happy about leaving for her new job. And unfortunately, that means you, as well. Not a good sign.

You want to salvage something...

What you can salvage is her feeling good about you.

You told her that you didn't want her to leave you all alone, so that is out there now. She knows how you feel...Then DROP IT. And this would be my 2 cents for how to do so...

You can send her a dozen beautiful long-stemmed roses or a beautiful orchid plant with a note telling her that you are sad for you, but happy for her, and that you genuinely wish her the best.

That IF when she returns she KNOWS she wants you in her life, you'll be happy to talk, but for now you cheerfully wish her the best and goodbye.

And stick to it.

You'll be left with your dignity intact, you've behaved with self-respect, had healthy boundaries, and she will respect you and that matters. Big time. She'll remember that.

The fact that she is so happy about leaving means she isn't making you a priority. And you deserve to be one with someone who does.

So unless she plans on calling you every day that she is gone - and offically being your significant other now and in the meantime, WALK AWAY, R.E.H.... You be the one to do it - not her...

I'm assuming that you love her. And assuming that being honest about what you want is important to you, more than playing the game of putting her needs first so she knows she can always walk on you..

There is a balance that is good - she isn't showing it. Your needs and hers should both be met. I think she isn't thinking of yours, and here is where I disagree with Dana.

It is selfish to think her dreams should be supported - and yours ignored. RED FLAG... Where is the give and take from her ?

Maybe there's more to the story and I just don't know it...

The again, I'm single and always have tried to put the other person's life first only to havr them act like they were never into me from the get-go and the signs should have been obvious becasue of the actions they took...What the heck do I know ???

R.E.H. said...

Dana: Yeah, I know that is the way to go... and that is the way I will attempt to go. Didn't do too well today, but I guess shock (!) had something to do with that ;)

Will see her Saturday again - so I'll have to make sure I'm doing everything right then.

Joel: Yeah, I hope that she does want to stay in touch during this time. I'm just not 100% sure that is something she will do... which would be a definitive indicator that she doesn't really care about me at all.

Jay: Yeah... I really need to put some battieries in one of those old boom boxes ;)

She's leaving alone... but meeting up with some people over there - one of whom may (or may not) be a love interest... I didn't say that in my ramblings... how could that slip my mind as I wrote?


R.E.H. said...

Loving Annie: Thank You. That was a lot of good advice... some of which unfortunately (for me) was spot on.

We are not a couple, have never been a couple - so I have no right to expect her to take my feelings into account in making such decisions. She wants to be friends... so I've been trying real hard to be a friend. Yet, my feelings for her cannot be ignored. I am hooked, and I cannot seem to let go.

I was just on the verge of deciding it is all up to her now - our friendship or whatever will be... I was going to go aloof, and let her do the calling and the asking to see me...

...and she decides to leave like this. That's not what I was secretly hoping for, was it? No.

BTW. She's not leaving for a job. She's leaving to simply enjoy life, and travel around for a few months.

Beautifully Profound said...

I have no idea what to advise you to do. I know how shitty it is to have the person you love far far FAR away from you. I guess you should be supportive. Maybe this is the break YOU need to get over her. Everything happens for a reason too, so maybe this will help you get over her.

Anyways monster hugs to you REH, you're going to need them.

Karen said...

I think you have to pretend to happy for her. I know it sucks, but part of love is being happy for someone just because they are happy.

BUT - before she goes you can take ONE opportunity to lay your heart out on the line - because the few months apart will be enough time for that awarkwardness to pass.

Tookie Tail said...

R.E.H. This is a tough situation. But you have, more or less, let her know how you feel. If it's meant to be, she will stay in touch. If I were you I'd go out and have fun with others. You can't put your life on hold while she's off enjoying life. You have a life to enjoy as well.
Hang in there!

tt said...

Geesh, that's a tuff one!
Sorry guy. It sucks.period.
I completely agree with loving annie and Dana. There it is. Take it, and process it. Hope for the best. It is what it is, right?
I felt your sadness. Love hurts sometimes.

fiwa said...

Hey love, I think loving Annie said it best. I would usually hesitate to give advice in a situation like this, but I think you said yourself what needs to be done. You said "Then, I'm thinking. Maybe it's a good thing - for me! Maybe this is what I need. Not seeing her for a while, so I can turn my attention on other women for a change. As long as she's around, there just isn't anyone who will capture my attention... certainly not when she's with me. Perhaps this is what I need to allow myself to try my luck with other women... wasn't that one of my New Year's Resolutions, anyway? Yes it was!"

Maybe she'll come back a different person with different priorities, but what I know is, you can't force love. I'm sorry as hell that she doesn't seem to be there for you the way you would like her to be, because I think you are a really great person, and I think she must be blind. Why don't you take this time to look around and leave yourself open to other opportunities? I know you think she is THE ONE, but give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who gives back to you 100%, because that is what you deserve.

I'm not advocating anything radical. Stay in touch with her, be supportive. But look out for yourself at the same time.


Jo said...

I'm so sorry your heart is breaking, R.E.H., and I'm sorry for the weeks ahead. A few days ago you sounded like you were getting some clarity & realizing you only had so much more to give to this relationship b/c of the pain it's causing you & how one-sided the "giving" is...and I think maybe if that were allowed to continue its course, you would have grown stronger in advocating yourself & the type of love you absolutely deserve.

Now that she's made this decision, in addition to the prospect of losing her, there's also the loss of control & the hurt that goes with what didn't factor into her choice...that's a whole lot for you to get slammed with in one day.

You're a very insightful person, and have reflected so much on this relationship...I think you already know how she feels. The problem is living with it, navigating it, figuring out your own place in it.

Instead of spending the next few weeks knocking yourself out trying to be happy for her, I think you should leave some room for yourself in this...you already know your heart is breaking, this is your chance to find some resolution before she's gone, get yourself to the place where you're okay saying goodbye for now instead of feeling like she forced those words out of you. Only you really know your situation, but I would say, go with what is good to you, what respects both your love for this woman and your own heart. The best love doesn't ask us to lie, or be less of ourselves.

Lakota Princess said...


g-man said...

You can tell her that you will miss her horribly, as she may well know, but you are her friend and you will support her in what ever decisions she makes. Honest and direct, but not easy. Good luck with that my friend.

Anonymous said...

If she is meant to come back, she will. If you make it awful she won't.

Leighann said...

I think you've given yourself the best advice. I think you need to take this time FOR YOU.

You're worth someones time, you're worth being someones priority, and as much as I hate to say this, obviously you're not on her list. Why should you sit around and wait for her?

You shouldn't. You may think she's "the one" but what about THE ONE who wants to be with you, wants to make you happy, wants everything you want.... she's out there, and this is your opportunity to find her.

Blogget Jones said...

You have lots of good advice here. I know all of this smarts. I've felt that desperate fear and ache, too, that something I really want might fall through.

The best I can say is this -- she'll respect your friendship more if she knows you're supporting her in something that's not easy for you. Let her know she means a lot to you and you'll miss her every moment she's gone.

But also let her know you wish you could be part of her adventure and you want to hear all about it while she's gone. Figure out a way to communicate while she's gone -- even if you just give her a stack of pre-addressed postcards and some dough for postage.

That way, she knows you're thinking of her while she's gone and wanting to share this with her as much as you can. However, don't close off your heart while she's gone. Take a look around, see what there is to see where you are. This might be one of those "time will tell" things.

Sucks. Don't it?

:o) BJ

Real Live Lesbian said...

Ahhh...I think we're taken back to the cocoon on the album cover!

Use this time for you. You deserve so much better.

When you finally find the ONE who loves you as you love her...you'll be surprised that you ever considered settling for something less.


Anonymous said...

Aww that is SO tough..
I am sure we all have been there at one point or other in our lives.
You KNOW that if that light in her eye is "back" then it is important that she go, but I agree with blogget Jones(great name by the way) that maybe you can somehow communicate with her while she is away?
BUT as YOU say maybe it will be a good time for you to date other women, maybe finding one who WON'T leave and WANTS to live her life with you..
It sounds trite to say, but things DO happen for a reason..
Take care..

Farmer*swife said...

I just stumbled upon this site via Pickled Beef. When I first read your post I thought it was from a novel -- very expressive. I "felt" the words you were writing.

It made me thankful that I am married. It reminded me of how it feels to feel what you are going through. Whew. Tough.

As far as the whole, "she wants to keep it friends" thing...it kinda' sounds like she knows how you feel and you are her ego boost? And, I don't mean that in a "mean" way.

I've only read today's post so I don't know much about the "much of it" -- but, that's what came at me out of this.

I'll be checking back to see how it goes. Hang in there.

Samantha_K said...

You know what I'm going to say before I even type a word, don't you?

So I won't waste my time. Instead I will say this:

She is young. Let her be young, let her enjoy her trip. Keep in touch with her, let her know you care what's going on, etc...

Keep in mind that I've become emotionally anorexic over the last year, but I just don't think she's healthy for you. I know I only have half the story, but when you write about her, the tone of your writing changes. Go back and read for yourself.

I want you to be happy. Like, completely happy. I want you to feel lighthearted and free.

Imagine she's out of the picture.
What will it take to get you to "Happy"?

Good thing I didn't become a therapist. My patients would hate me and my hard ass attitude, lol.

I'm sorry you're sad and hurting over this, I know it's hard. But you're a survivor.
Love you!

Sparkling Red said...

You are not a "selfish bastard"; you are a normal human being. Most other people in your situation would feel the same way.

I'm thinking that you might need to begin to keep more distance between you and her already, in order to
1) remind yourself that you are your own centre, and
2)to prevent yourself from blurting out things that you might later regret.

I am rooting for you to find courage in the face of whatever comes next. :-)

Anonymous said...

Well I didn't want to repeat what someone else had already said, but I got really bored/tired of reading through all their comments. Plus, the ignorance of some of them (won't say whose) was pissing me off. So I scrolled down here to add my own two cents of ignorance. :)

You have to let ger go. And peacefully. Cheerfully, even. Yeah I understand that it's hard. (Believe me, I do.) But if you're really in love with her, you'll be able to move past your own hurt, or at least put it aside, and be happy just because she is happy.

The only chance you have of being friends when she returns is to be happy for her now, and to let her see that you're happy for her.

She has acted pretty immaturely in the past, and so it is quite possible that she wants you to act sad and mopey about her leaving. If that is the case, don't play into it. She should know by now that you'll miss her, and mopey-ness will only add unnecessary drama.

If you want to be friends when she gets back, I would also suggest keeping in touch while she's gone. Excited as she is, foreign countries are scary, and getting on a computer and reading an email from a friend back home can be the most comforting thing in the world (trust me, I would know).

So . . . there's my 23-year-old, ignorant, inexperienced advice. Do with it what you will. :)


R.E.H. said...

Beautifully Profound: Thanks. But, you do have a better situation going for you. You know that the person so far away loves you back. I envy you for that.

Karen: I think I will try the pretending part, but I doubt I will lay my heart out for her before she goes. The way I see it, that may be the worst thing I can do.

Tookie Tail: Yes, I will try to have as much fun while she's away as possible. Until she leaves, I hope to spend some time with her though... so I can work on making her not forget about me while she's gone ;)

TT: Thank You. Yes they both had some good advice... and process I will.

Fiwa: Maybe she'll come back a different person with different priorities, but what I know is, you can't force love.

I think you are spot on with that comment. And, I also hope that the first part of that will come true - but I mustn't let myself live by that hope.

R.E.H. said...

Jo: Excuse me? Did you just find the door to my soul?

You're a very insightful person, and have reflected so much on this relationship...I think you already know how she feels. The problem is living with it, navigating it, figuring out your own place in it.

That has just got to be the most accurate analysis I've heard about this whole situation.

Lakota Princess: Hugs back.

G-Man: The words "I'll miss you" have already passed these lips. But, I will do my best to stay supportive until she leaves.

Butterfly Girl: You are so right about that. I must remind myself not to make her leaving a difficult thing. I should help her feel good and excited about it.

Leighann: as much as I hate to say this, obviously you're not on her list. Why should you sit around and wait for her?

As much as I hate to admit it... I think you are 100% right about that.

R.E.H. said...

Blogget Jones: Welcome.

I do want to keep in touch with her while she's gone, but I'm worried that if I tell her not to be a stranger, and she says "yeah". Then, if I don't hear from her that would just be a painful reminder that I'm just not one who's on her mind.

Real Live Lesbian: Yeah, that album cover is coming back to haunt me ;)

Me time... yeah, I'll try to keep that in mind.

MerriMerri: Yeah, I'm hoping that I can find someone else that I like. I cannot put my own life on hold any longer, waiting for her. I'm just not young enough for that anymore ;)

Farmer's Wife: Nice to see you!

Yes, she certainly knows how I feel. Not sure about the confidence boost part, but then maybe I'm just not seeing it. I am more inclined to believe she is a little uncomfortable by it, because she only wants to be friends.

Samantha K: Of course, I know (and respect) your opinion in this matter ;)

About her being young and needing to go on this trip - yes. Absolutely right. This is probably the first time that I actually feel the age difference between us... but, on the other hand - if I'd have the oportunity to go on a trip like that myself, I would not hesitate one second. So I do understand her decision.

What does it take to make me happy if she's out of the picture? Simple, though. Someone as lovely as her who would love me back... which may be very difficult to find, however.

R.E.H. said...

Sparkling Red: Well, I don't think I should distance myself from her already. I still do love her, and so I still need to be there in such a way that maybe she will see what a great guy I could be for her. But, I really need to focus during this time that is left so I don't say something stupid. That I don't go blurting out how much I love her and all that - because that is not what she wants to hear right now.

I need to make her feel that love, but not to hear it in words. And, I need to make her feel good about this trip, and looking forward to seeing me when she comes back.

If things have changed while she's gone - that we can deal with at that time.

Emmeline: I think your 23-year old ignorant, inexperienced advice sounds pretty good.

While I can't genuinely be happy for her... I can, however, pretend to be that. I know I can't let her leave thinking she's hurt my feelings. That would put her off wanting to keep in touch, as well as see me when she returns.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i'll say it again... rebound poon. it's not classy, but whatev.

R.E.H. said...

Tequila Mockingbird: I hear ya! I'm game! ;)

liv said...

hey--new here, go easy on me. what i can tell you from my own experience is that once i had to leave for europe for my own betterment and left my boyfriend behind. we sort of made the decision that if we pined for each other while i was gone, then it was meant to be. and if we both found something else, well, it wasn't. there are no easy answers here, my friend.

cardiogirl said...

Oh REH, this is so brutal from the outside looking in. I think it is better that she is leaving, to give you some space and distance. I know you don't want to hear that and I only know what you have offered.

I do believe that you are giving a truthful account. But it just seems she is naive and that you can and will find another woman who really appreciates your attention, time and love.

Keep looking, REH.

Jay Cam said...

you know what you should do? take a step on the wild side and go to asia too!!

that's what i would do. imagine, you would get exposed to lots of culture, things would probably be cheaper over there, and who knows, you may better a cool job!

go for it!

Aunt Jackie said...

Everyone seems to have pretty long explanations or advice here, and I tend to get long winded myself.

But I'll just say that everything in life happens for a reason, and we only know for sure that we have TODAY, right now, this moment. The past is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed.

You must live in the moment, live and let live and let things fall as they may. You're exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment, and so is everyone else. Let it flow, she'll be back and yes she'll appreciate all your support. Just show your love, and your good soul.

Ok, that was longer than I meant it to be. Hang in there and let it flow, for real.

Aunt Jackie said...

Plus, whatever has her shining brightly with that light, you want her to keep it. But you also want her to be able to share it with you, so don't stifle that light.

R.E.H. said...

Liv: Hello, and welcome to my corner of the blogosphere!

Yeah, I've been trying to console myself with those kind of thoughts. If it is meant to be, it will happen, right? If not... well, then I need to start looking elsewhere.

Cardiogirl: It feels pretty brutal from the inside looking out too, I tell you ;) Thanks.

And, no one wants to hear that - that's just the way us humans deal with things... but, we all know that it is the truth none the less.

So, why is it so hard for me to move on? To believe there is someone out there who would care as much about me as I care about her?

Jay Cam: I would love to do just that. It is one of my dreams in fact. But, I know for a fact that she would not want me to go with her... so that means I would go on my own - not such a good idea right now.

Aunt Jackie: Now, I've heard the sentiment of "live in the moment" before, but never quite heard it put as elegantly and descriptive as this:

The past is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed.

That is one sentence I will try to remember. Thank You.

And, yes, I love to see that light in her eyes. That alone makes me happy.

Jill said...

Darling, you are not an idiot, just a romantic!
But like you said, this might crush your heart, but the way you are talking about her lately, it is time you move one! This might be just the good oportunity.

R.E.H. said...

Jill: Yeah... I just hate to admit to defeat. When I want something really, really bad - I am not one to give up lightly.

Guilty Secret said...

To quote my mother, "everything happens for a reason."

So, my advice would be to try to enjoy yourself as much as possible while she is away. You will find out soon enough whether this trip is supposed to help you move on from her or bring you back closer together.

R.E.H. said...

Guilty Secret: Yeah, I know. Thanks. I've already started to believe that it sure isn't going to bring us any closer together though... so, hopefully I am able to move on.