January 10, 2008

Reflecting on "Rubicon Heart"

I had meant to post this yesterday, but I've been working really hard the last few days, and trying to go to the gym after work. This has resulted in me leaving for work at 8 AM and returning home after 10PM the last 3 days. Add to that reading up on some of your blogs out there, posting the WWC on Tuesday... well, I've simply not had the time to sit down and write this thing.

Well... the good thing is that I've really had some time to reflect on the whole thing.

Like I mentioned in the WWC post, after I had clicked the "PUBLISH POST" button to fast forward what I had written into the blogosphere, where you all could read it, I got a little frightened. I think that is just one of many words that could describe how I felt. Frightened, nervous, panicked, terrified, worried and... and Fucking Great!

I didn't quite know how you people would react to it, so sitting there - waiting for comments to start appearing was a very anxious time. Then, I saw you people giving me positive feedback and kind words... and I started to think it really was the right decision.

Again... Thank You all very much for commenting on that one (and all other posts too of course).

I think I need to explain once more. Although I did say so in that Introduction, I think it does require a small reminder.

The "Rubicon Heart" story is not going to be about that part of my life. It will focus on my love life only, and the reason I started it off like that was because I believe many of the decisions I have made in my relationships are direct results of this life I've had.

So... while the opening installment was very dark and depressive - not all of "Rubicon Heart" is going to be like that. Some parts will even be quite comical (believe me, I've had some strange girlfriends in my days).

Another thing that I thought I might mention is that the introduction was very personal, and written with me being a very real and present person - like a letter. This is because it was meant very much as an introduction to any novel. The actual "Rubicon Heart" story, will be written a little more with a fictional prose to it - a story-telling mode. This is because I believe I should actually try to step outside of myself and have a look at what happened from... sort of... an out-of-body-experience perspective (isn't that one of the strangest explanations you ever heard?)

What do you people think of that? (Not that it matters much - I'll write it as I want to anyway, but still nice to know)

Finally, I want to not only thank you for your concern and support. I found that many of you commented on my writing style, and that the read was compelling and moving and gripping. That means a lot to me too. Because, as I have mentioned here before - not only do I want to pour my heart onto my blog, I also want you The Readers to be entertained while reading what I've written.

Some of you even hinted at this being published. Those are big words, and I very much appreciate them - however, I would rather this thing stay hidden here on this blog where only my blog-friends will read it. If it were to be published, I don't think I'd be entirely comfortable with it.

I will probably post new installments on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. It all depends on how much time I have, and what my mood tells me to do. I scrapped the idea of having any form of deadline, as I thought it was in the best interest of the story that it be developed in its own time.

The next installment (can't leave you without an appetizer, can I?) will tell the story of when I met whom I've been referring to as My First Love. I think for story telling purposes I will give her an actual name in the story (though not her real name, of course).

Apart from this - everything will continue as usual here on Ramblings of a Madman - with a dark sense of humor and whatever else interesting I come up with to post.

Thank You all for tuning in!


Loving Annie said...

Enjoy it, R.E.H. - I know that I'm going to. Being real here about it as you see it and it moves you will be a wonderful thing. Being able to tell, to decribe, to see from now where and how and why...

Beautifully Profound said...

I'm excited for you REH. I love that I've seen your journey from new blogger to the wonderfully captivating blogger you've become. Can't wait to see your next installment of "Rubicon heart". Seriously I don't know how you find the time. Take care. Have a good Friday!!!


Jen said...

You have great things ahead of you, r.e.h. You really do.

Looking forward to the next words in Rubicon Heart.

fiwa said...

I'll put myself in your hands and take the story in whatever way you're most comfortable in writing it - I think I like first person better - but if you think you'd write better in fictional prose mode, then go for it.

I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment.

Karen said...

I find it hard to write in fictional prose when I am writing something personal. But I have half of the talent you have. So...I will be riveted no matter what you present.

Alli said...

I'm looking forward to the first chapter! :)

R.E.H. said...

Loving Annie: Yes, being able to tell this story will be helpful. Most of my Vicinity World friends would not want to hear it, but often the need to express it has been there.

Beautifully Profound: Thank You. It is nice to have you sticking around too. It's like we go way back ;)

Jen: Thank You very much. I can't wait to see what those things might be ;)

Fiwa: It will be first person. Just not like a letter - more like a traditional fictional story with the structure of a novel in first person view.

Karen: I'm sure it will be difficult - never tried it myself (when it's personal).

Though there is this movie script I wrote which was very inspired by my questioning the purpose of life... but that was all fictional - only the mood of the thing was personal.

Alli: I hope to have that ready for you early next week (or maybe mid-week).

Jay said...

The biggest surprise I've found on blogs is how accepting people are. I expected to get lots of negative feedback a few times and it never really happened. People are pretty supportive around here and it makes me feel better about people in general.

Maybe part of it is cause we all put a part of ourselves out there every once in a while and had those same feelings you did. So, no fear dude. Just put it all out there!

Sparkling Red said...

A lot has been written on the healing power of story-telling. This is quite a journey you're embarking upon. I feel honoured to share it with you.

RockDog said...

I'm excited for this adventure that you are about to take us on! For better or for worse this is gonna rock!

Lakota Princess said...

Exposing the deep internal places within yourself is never ever easy and it never gets any easier. But it's only by following through with that kind of courage that we can grow creatively and in new experiences. It is the path to adventure and fullfillment my friend!

R.E.H. said...

Jay: I've noticed the same about people in Blogville. Maybe we are special kind of people - us bloggers. We all did choose to start a blog, and to write stuff about ourselves and all - and maybe because of that we have something in common...

Sparkling Red: Writing stuff down is indeed a very powerful source for healing. Makes you think about stuff objectively, and not just fall into the depression.

RockDog: I hope it will Rock your socks off! ;)

Lakota Princess: You are so right. And it will be a pleasure to have your company as I take a walk down that path.

Dana said...

I think it's your story and you should write it in whatever way your story needs to be told! I have no doubt that some chapters will be dark, and some will have me peeing my pants - kind of like life in general.

tt said...

I'm hooked. No matter how it's written I'll read it.
It is nice to know that ppl in the blogworld are ( at least those who respond regularly) so great to help us 'champion' our musings.
Can I keep you?

Leighann said...

I think you should write it however you're comfortable writing. It's a personal experience and that alone is going to compell the words to flow just the way you want them to.

Good luck and I can't wait to read more!

Elle said...

Yay! Go! Fire it up! Other encouraging words I can't come up with without more coffee!

Samantha_K said...

You fishing for compliments, sugar?

Kidding, kidding. We all love you, so keep writing already. We're accepting but impatient ;)

R.E.H. said...

Dana: Well, I sure hope I don't cause you to lose control of your bladder ;)

TT: Yes, my blogfriends have been really friendly - so far. It's really great with all the support.

Leighann: I'm glad that seems to be the general consensus here - that I write it as I see fit. On the other hand... why would anyone think differently?

Elle: Sufficient encouraging ;) More coffee and you'll sound like you're on a caffeine high ;)

BTW - Link to your blog works just fine here; Forget previous reply.

Samantha K: I might be fishing for your love and affection, sweetie ;)

Patience is a virtue, my dear.

Anonymous said...

My roommate in college suggested I compile my letters to The Sports Fan and turn them into a story of some kind. I started to, back then, but it is still on my computer, unfinished. If I ever finish it I will look into publishing it. But it's different from the way I've been telling the story on the blog. The blog version of the story is much more raw. The version I have written out on the computer reads like a novel. We'll see if it ever goes any further. I don't know if I'll need it to, after doing the blog posts. This whole process has been really cathartic for me. I hope yours will be the same way for you!


Tequila Mockingbird said...

i cant wait for the next installment.

so lets see, you are telling the story of your first love, there's probably a second love somewhere, sooooo that means i'll be like # 3 right?

R.E.H. said...

Emmeline: In that way you are lucky... you have written documents to fall back on to remind you of the events.

I'll have to dig my story up from memory alone, mostly. This will make it very hard to create that dramatic flow and plot that I want for the story, so some of it may not be 100% accurate, but it will be in accordance with my memory of how it all went down.

i.e. A conversation between two people will be written in dialogue as in a novel, whereas the lines spoken may not be accurate - the general consensus of the conversation will amount to the same.

Tequila Mockingbird: Well... #3 is my lucky number... ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...


seriously though, kudos for putting your personal self out there like that. i dont have the balls to do that. ive did it here and there, but i make an effort to close off my personal life from my blog. i totally heart what youre doing here.

R.E.H. said...

Tequila Mockingbird: Thank You. It's a challenge, what I'm doing. But I believe (and hope) it will all be worth it.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i totally think it will be worth it. like, if i had serious balls, i would be writing about my parents divorce right now. it's been going on for almost 2 years now, and granted i'm long out of the house, but since i'm an only child, they drag me into it, and it seriously headfucks me. it just needs to be done. like right now, i'm drunk before 5 because i started talking to my dad on the phone and ugh. i wont get into it. my point is, you have the balls to put painful aspects of your life out there on your blog, which is amazing. dont stop.

Jo said...

This caught me in your response to Emmeline: ...some of it may not be 100% accurate, but it will be in accordance with my memory of how it all went down.

I think that's a beautiful part of what you're doing here. One part is living it, the other part is living with it...what you give to your memories is also a form of creation, seeing the poetry, discovering what you got from a moment in time. It's fascinating, I'm glad you're sticking with it!

R.E.H. said...

Tequila Mockingbird: Sorry to hear about your parents. It's not right of them to drag you into it... you should just up and say something like:

"The divorce is your own problem, I will just keep on lovin' the both of you seperately"... but then, of course, I have little to no knowledge of the situation. I hope it all works out ok though.

Thanks for sharing. And, thanks for your encouragement.

Jo: Thank You. I've also found that it is a lot harder than I thought it would be... putting all the fragments of my memory together... sometimes I'm not sure which happened first - and to make a narrative that is supposed to be linear is difficult.

The first chapter, I thought I had it all planned out - but now I've realized that I'm missing a lot of the pieces of the puzzle... I might have to rethink and merge the first two intended chapters into one.

g-man said...

Looking forward to it.

R.E.H. said...

G-Man: Thanks, [G-]Man.

Guilty Secret said...

I have so enjoyed catching up on what you have posted so far. I really can't wait to read on and I'm really pleased for you that you're feeling good about sharing it with us :)

R.E.H. said...

Guilty Secret: Thanks. That good feeling has a way of fluctuating though ;) Sometimes I worry about what I will write in the future... but, as I said in the introduction - the dice is cast - the rubicon is crossed - there is no turning back ;)