Cell Phone Blues...

I keep hoping for a message on my cell. I can't help it, but I still keep hoping for that to happen.

We kind of got into a fight the other day. It wasn't something I wanted to happen, but there comes a time when a guy simply cannot keep his mouth shut any longer. And that time was the other day.

There is this other thing I've been suspecting... you know - the thing I haven't told you about yet. The thing I cannot yet write about, because I am not so sure about it... whether it is or is not - if I'm just being paranoid or adding 1 plus 1 and coming up with 3. I felt though, the other day, as if she was trying to get me to talk about that thing.

I had a particularly bad day at work. I hate my job so much these days it really takes all my willpower just to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. Every single day I'm feeling like I should call in sick, or maybe just walk out the door and deal with the financial implications of that later. When The One came in to work that day I tried to small talk with her. My suspicions about her, and my general irritation of being at work was apparent, and maybe I wasn't much fun or pleasant to speak with.

I was having lunch, and she was sitting in the break-room when I came in there.

"Tell me what's on your mind", she says to me. "What's bothering you?"

"You know. The usual. I hate this job", I tell her. Of course, I leave out the part that something about her is bothering me as well.

"Get it all out. Say what you feel and get it over with".

This is when I start to get the feeling she's not interested in hearing about how much I hate my job... but rather she is aiming to get me to talk about that other thing. If what I think I know is a fact - she does know that I know. If what I think is not a fact - she does know that I think it may be so. Get it?

"Well... not much to say. I hate the hours, the organization, the fucking place is a mess. I just hate being here is all", I say.

She gets up from her chair.

"No use talking to you", she says, sounding surprisingly angry. She walks out of the break room, into the office. There are no doors between us, just a small kitchen area, so I can still see her as she sits down in front of the computer.

"Why don't you sit here? Keep me company?"

"You're not talking. Why should I sit there?"

I am getting angry with her. I keep my mouth shut, and eat my lunch in silence all alone. After I have finished, I felt like I should go talk to her. See if there is anything she wants to tell me.

I walk out into the office and sit down next to her. She's aimlessly browsing the computer - it doesn't take much brain capacity to see that she's not looking at anything in particular, and that she's consumed by it only to ignore me. I try to talk to her, asking how her day has been and other completely useless things like that. Just to break the ice. She would mumble something in response sometimes, but mostly not say anything.

Now, I am angry. I get up from my chair.

"Not much use coming out here for company. Who's the one not talking now?"

"I have nothing to say to you", she says.

I start to walk out of the office.

"You don't want to talk about what's bothering you", she's complaining.

This is when I decide for myself that she is indeed fishing for me to talk about that thing. And, I'm beginning to feel that I have really had enough of this bullshit. If that thing is to be brought up... it is her damn responsibility to do so.

"Got something you want to tell me?", I ask her.

She ignores me. This whole time her face has not left the screen of the computer. She's being the ace bitch she knows too damn well how to be. I turn to walk away, but something stops me. It is anger that stops me... this is it! Now, I've had enough, and it is time to tell her so... that enough is enough.

"What the hell is your god damn problem anyway?". I say it loud and clear to her.

Now she turns around to look at me. She manages to look surprised and angry at the same time.

"What do you mean by that?"

"This! Your fucking attitude against me. I've been keeping my mouth shut about it for way too long now. I'm sick and tired of you treating me like shit".

"What do I do that's so wrong?"

Excuse me? You don't know? Yes, you do! You're just not woman enough to face it are you? That's what I wanted to say right then.

"Just about everything lately. You don't answer my calls. You ignore me when I text to you. You have an attitude against me when we meet."

"Was I not nice to you at the company party last week?"

Oh... this girl is not so stupid after all, you know. Maybe that is why she was so friendly that weekend... so she could use it as an argument should we get into a fight about her attitude.

"Apart from being a bitch about me getting lost when we got there you were a doll all weekend. I was surprised at how friendly you were. Is that the way things should be? That I should be surprised that you are treating me nice?"

Got her!

She continued to defend her right to be a bitch towards me. Explaining once again what she's told me before... that she doesn't want me to think she's in love with me. Come on, girl! I just need to know that she's my friend right now... fuck the love business for a while, ok?

And then, someone walks into the office. We both become very quiet. The person who entered started talking to The One, and I just stood there cursing this person in my thoughts. I said The One's name after a while... I wasn't finished - but this talk is one we should have when others are not listening.

"You gonna be here a while?", I say. I am surprised at how at ease I sounded asking her that.

"I don't know. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes", she says.

"Come see me before you leave, ok?", and then I walked out of the office.

I didn't expect her to look me up before she left the building. I thought this was really it - the end of our friendship as well. She did though, and no one else was near.

"I don't want to argue with you, you know. But you really can't expect me to tolerate the way you've been treating me lately. And if you say you don't think you've treated me badly, you're lying".

"Well, I... You know...", she doesn't quite know what to say.

"It has to end. Right now". And then I said the thing I've wanted to say to her for so long lately. "I only ask one thing of you. All I want is for the old you to return. The One I once got to know. The friendly, sweet and funny girl you used to be. That's really all that I want from you".

"I know", she says.

"So, can you do that for me? Can you try?"

"But, you know why I've been acting like that, and..."- I stop her right there.

"That's what I'm talking about. There you go again, ignoring my question".

She just walks out on me. Head down, not looking back at me.

I spent the rest of the day thinking what I could do to salvage things. I didn't want things to end like that between us. After work, I did something maybe I shouldn't have done. I gave her a call - expecting of course she would not answer. She did though. I made an effort not to sound angry, not to sound hurt - but simply to sound... reasonable.

"You know what I want? I want you and me to get together and talk things through. We'll both say exactly what's on our minds and get it out of our systems. There are things I haven't told you, that maybe I should. And I am sure there are things you haven't told me. We talk things over, and then we'll take it from there. I'm pretty sure you don't like the way things are between us any more than I do".

"Maybe... yes".

"Ok... so, whenever you want to. Just let me know. That is... if you want to".

"Maybe Monday. I think I have the day off from work", she says - this is Saturday. "I'll call you Sunday night, ok?"

I am actually relieved. This is something I feel we would both benefit from - either way it goes. If it goes badly - we could both agree to not be friends anymore (and I wouldn't have to keep trying so damn hard), and if it goes well, we could leave all the crap behind us and start to enjoy each others company once again.

After that call, I thought maybe I had tapped into a good thing. She texted me a couple of times during that evening... just to stay in touch - nothing important, nothing she needed me to do, and she even said thank you for something I had forgotten I'd done for her... a long time ago.

I felt good Saturday night. I felt as if we were finally on our way to resolve the issues between us.

Didn't hear from her Sunday. At around 10PM I got tired of waiting, and texted to her.

'DID YOU HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW?'

The response I got came a couple of hours later. Just around midnight.

'YES... I HAVE SOME THINGS PLANNED FOR MY ONLY DAY OFF THIS WEEK...'

I texted this back to her:

'SO, WE WON'T GET TOGETHER TOMORROW?'

I haven't heard from her since.

Today, I sent her another message. The store she's been transferred to had their grand opening today - it's a new store. Opening day's are always fun and hectic. I am genuinely interested in how things went over there today. I have no one else to get that information from. I simply asked her how things went with the opening. That is now more than 3 hours ago... and I haven't even got a response to that.

I know. I have to move on now... but, I still want that talk. Right now... all I want is to have that good friend she once was back.