November 8, 2007

Intersection Of Love/Hate

In my November 5 post, I briefly mentioned I may write a blog about a conversation me and my co-worker had at the company party. It is actually something I initially wrote for that day, but decided against posting then for a couple of reasons.

1) I had promised to write about how much fun I had during the weekend.

2) I wasn't sure I wanted to post it at all.

3) I didn't want to bore you with stories about The One all the time.

But... now I decided I should post it. Partly because I want to hear your reactions to it, and partly because this is why I started a blog in the first place - to vent some frustration and feelings and get some answers to questions I cannot answer myself.

Ok... from here on - this is (mostly) stuff I wrote on November 5th. The final part of it has been finished today, as I stopped writing once I realized I wasn't going to post it that day.

Here goes...


"You're driving the wrong fucking way... we passed that intersection already".

There's resentment in her voice as The One informs me of what I already know. The intersection I was looking for was simply nowhere to be found, and I had almost driven straight through the town we were in.

"I'm looking for a gas station. We'll get directions from there", I tell her, sounding all calm and relaxed.

I wasn't really noticing how she sounded, but later that night someone said something that made me remember this tiny incident on our way to the hotel.

"Why do you put up with it?", one of my co-workers asks me late at night (early morning in fact) when we are both well beyond sobriety. We were talking about The One, and I had asked him what he thought of her... you know, once you're drunk those questions that one shouldn't ask have a way of finding their way out of one's mouth quite easily.

"What?", I say... honestly not knowing what he meant.

"Like in the car this morning. When we got lost. Damn was she being a bitch about it, as if it was your fucking fault the damn intersection wasn't there".

"Oh, that... well, I'm sort of used to her acting up on me", and I kind of shrugged and dismissed the whole thing again.

And... yes that is a fact. I've always thought that her stingy comments were always directed at me, on account of her having difficulties dealing with the fact I have these strong feelings for her.

Now, that may sound to you people like it should be enough for me to tell her to piss off, and not ever give her the time of my day again. But, I know this kind of behaviour - I've seen it before. It's not who they are or what they really want. I've spoken to her about it, and she's told me she's sorry to have been such a bitch - and that it's only because she doesn't know how to be around me. That time, I told her I didn't buy into that behaviour, and that I knew she wasn't like that. Hence... I have developed a way of completely ignoring it when it happens.

"Well, if you want my honest opinion... you should forget about her because she's an attention seeking bitch, who doesn't care about anyone else but herself".

That remark shocked me to the point I almost fell down as my knees buckled.

Now... I was under the impression that her "bitchyness" was something I was the sole beneficiary of, but apparently according to this co-worker of mine it is something others have noted about her as well. That was a revelation to me... big-time!

It is her... not me. It is not about my feelings for her. It is all about her...

But. What happened? Because she was definitely not like that a few months ago. Not to me, not to anyone else.

[ed. Note: This is where I picked up today to continue this post]

She really was the most adorable girl I ever knew. She was caring, she shared with me her thoughts on just about everything, she would call me for no reason just to talk, she laughed and she joked. She would also say positive things about me, and comment me on a lot of things...

That is when I fell in love with her. That is the girl I am still in love with. Not the girl she has become - the one who refuses to answer the phone when I call (something that co-worker I talked to that night has also been the victim of), the one who takes every opportunity to knock me down and hurt my feelings. The one who only gets in touch with me these days to ask a favor, or when she needs me to do something.

I miss the girl I once knew. I miss The One I fell in love with.

I am hoping this is just a phase she's going through. I wish I could help her, because I can only assume that something is wrong, and that she's not feeling good or isn't happy for some reason.

She still occasionally re-surfaces - the sweet and loving side of her, and the cute and funny, and the simply adorable The One. She did the morning after the party, when she came knocking on my door at 9:45AM, waking me up. She came in and sat down, offered a joke or two, and wanted to make sure I was ok. She was smiling, and didn't look at me as if she wished she were someplace else.

At least... now I know it isn't just me. I am not the only one to see these changes in her. If only I could tell her how much I miss the girl I got to know and fell in love with. That is the girl I want to be with every minute of every day.


Jay said...

Dude, I don't know. Sounds like she can't decide what she really wants. Maybe she's seeing how much you will put up with. We all say we wouldn't put up with as much as you have, but we haven't been in the same situation and all that.

But, when she is being bitchy and is tearing you down and stuff like that you should stop her. Tell her if there is something she wants to talk about you'll be there, but otherwise you're not gonna put up with it.

You know, drop the always subtle and sweet "What's your f@%&*!g problem?" on her. LOL ;-)

R.E.H. said...

Jay: I'm getting to the point where that might actually be what I'll say. I've asked her a couple times if everything is alright, if there's something she wants to talk about, but she clearly isn't comfortable with that.

Nicole said...

You can't hold on to the person that you fell in love with, the person that she was before. You need to leave the person that she has become and she is now, because that is the person who is hurting you and knocking you down. You should never stay with someone in the hopes that they are going to change into what you want. You might be missing out on someone is already is...

Newt said...

Dude, I'm just going to say it: You deserve better. And you shouldn't settle for the horrible way she treats you because of what you want or hope someone can be, cause people don't change. And if she really deserved you she wouldn't use you like she does. YOU DESERVE BETTER! WAY WAY BETTER. She's out there, somewhere, I promise.

Ok, I'm sorry, but I had to say it. You're too good for that sort of stuff. Love shouldn't be hard, it shouldn't be work. It should come naturally, mutually, and easily. Love, relationships, they are work, but the foundation, the foundation is strong, and it should be easily built.

Beautifully Profound said...

Maybe, she was a "thrill of the chase" sort of girl. She was all wonderful when you were chasing her and then when you actually fell in love with her she lost interest.

Who knows, you can't settle for glimpses of happiness. I mean I know relationships aren't peachy keen 24/7. But she doesn't need to be mean to you either.

You, like Newt says, deserve better.

Guilty Secret said...

Oh dear, I do feel for her. From my own experience (of being that bitchy girl and dealing with them too) is that people will do whatever you let them get away with. If you pull her up on it, hopefully she'll check herself more and she'll end up happier in the process.

R.E.H. said...

Nicole: Thanks for stopping by.

I know you are right. Why I continue to allow myself being hurt by her I don't even know myself. But, it is like I said - who she is now is not who I believe she really is. And, if and when, when her old self returns - I want to be there.

BTW. Can't get to your profile, as I meant to check out your blog.

Newt: Thank you. I deserve better... I must remind myself :)

Beautifully Profound: I doubt she's a thrill of the chase girl. She is however, as my observant co-worker said, a bit of an attention seeking...

Guilty Secret: Yes, I've let her get away with a lot lately. That will have to change.

I've been afraid to tell her off, because the way she is now that could mean I wouldn't see or speak to her in a long time. That's why I've chosen to ignore the bad things she does instead.